Why Is All the Rum Gone?

Word around the campfire is that today is national Talk Like a Pirate Day, although for me, it began as national Sleep Like a Lazy Cat day.

But eventually I woke up, and fortunately it's my day off, so folks playing at my table will be spared my poor Jack Sparrow imitation. But if only Forrest Gump were a pirate--then they'd be experiencing some pure comedy gold!

Even so, days like today give me a chance to tell me favorite pirate joke.

A pirate walks into a bar, but he's got a steering wheel attached to the front of his pants. He walks up and orders a tot of rum from the bartender. The bartender says Sure thing, mate--but did you know you have a steering wheel attached to the front of your pants?

And the pirate said Yarrr--it drives me nuts!

There ya go.

Long before I'd ever heard of Talk Like a Pirate Day, I got to experience a little pirate-style buffoonery on the high seas. One day, down in St. Thomas, my sisters and I were on a daysail out to the reef at Buck Island. There were about six or eight of us on a forty-foot sailboat, and we'd spent the day enjoying the sun, tropical seas, and a little bit of the grog, if you get my drift. Well, we were racing another sailboat back to the marina, and doing a fair job of catching up.

As we pulled alongside upwind of them, stealing their breeze and slowing them down, one of the guys on our boat stood up on deck, one hand on the spreaders, one foot on the lifelines like Captain Morgan, waving an imaginary cutlass. He yelled out to the other boat, in his best pirate voice, Avast! Prepare to be boarded--we demand your women and your rum!

Without the slightest hesitation, a male voice with an imitation British accent yelled back from the other boat, You may have our women, sir--but our rum, NEVER!

That got a huge laugh, but then a couple of the women on the other boat stood up, turned around and waved to us. Attractive is not the word we'd use to describe them.

Without missing a beat, our new buccaneer friend turned to the rest of us, and still in character, put his hand on his hip and said Arrr, mates, lets leave these lads be, for they be far worse off than we...

Funniest pirate ever.

After returning to the marina, we did our fair share of pillagin' at the duty-free shops, where we made an afternoon of hitting up about a half-dozen liquor stores for their free rum tastings.

T'was no buried treasure lads, but a darn sight better than the bosun's lash...

Mikey