Saturday, January 14, 2006

Man Hands

Sometimes, when I'm just kickin' around on my day off, I think back to some of the great times I've had over the past years, and every now and then a memory gets triggered that makes me giggle for a few minutes.

That happened today.

I met one of my all-time best buddies, Eddie B, on my first day of work at Schwab back in 1997, but I didn't meet my other buddy (and former roommate) Derek until sometime in late 1999. He started with a large group of recent college grads, and after they all had passed their Series 7 licensing, they had to spend a month in what was called 'Trades Training'. Part of that month was a four-day option trading class that was taught by yours truly. Back in the heady market days of 1999, we had a new crop of new brokers coming through every month. (Incidentally, that's when I met the last member of our foursome, Ed W--he was in charge of 'babysitting' the classes all the way through trades training while we 'subject' instructors rotated in and out every week).

Anyhow, I loved teaching the option classes. Not only was it a break from dealing with clients, but I love to teach and the subject matter was the most interesting of all the topics that the new brokers had to master. Also, it gave me a chance to scout the new 'talent' joining the company every month. And since I was always everyone's favorite teacher, it was a piece of cake to arrange a happy-hour get-together on Friday nights after my classes ended. Derek and Eddie were always amazed to show up at the bar on Friday night and see me surrounded by 8-10 new hotties every week holding court. Of course they didn't mind when introductions were made, either.

But Derek's class was especially well-stocked. There was one girl in particular that Eddie and I were both enamored with named Lisa. She was an olive-skinned beauty, six feet tall-most of it legs-and built like a statue of a Roman Goddess. She also had a great personality and wore that Victoria's Secret perfume that turned me into a stuttering fool whenever I caught a whiff. Sometimes, once her class ended and it was a slow day, she'd come down to my desk and plug in with me for some one-on-one teaching time. My boss would poke his head over the cube, shake it, and give me the look like "Man, I don't know how you do it..." but he didn't mind because she classed up our team area with her presence.

That summer Derek threw a 4th of July pool party (which was epic for the simple fact that he managed to recruit a bunch of Southwest flight attendants to join us, in addition to all the gals from work) and she showed up too, looking especially hot in her blue bikini. We sat in the pool talking, drinking beer, and just having a great time. It was one of the best parties ever. Not only was I smitten, Eddie was too. We both raved about her hotness on several occasions all summer long.

Unfortunately, we had no shot. Turns out, she was really just interested in hooking up with Derek. But Derek suffers from some affliction where he won't hook up with a girl unless she's tall, skinny, blonde, and has big tits. Lisa was brunette, and although perfectly proportioned, not skinny enough for our boy Derek. Since she didn't meet his criteria, forget it--he wasn't interested.

Once we realized that we had no shot and that she was hot for Derek, Eddie and I did all we could to convince him to get with her, just so we could live vicariously through the experience. Nope--he wouldn't budge. Every weekend the subject came up, and every time he dismissed the idea.

Finally, we asked him what the problem was.

She has man-hands, said Derek. I just can't get with a girl who has man-hands.

I could certainly overlook that, but Eddie's response was classic:

That's ok--my peepa's used to man hands!

We still laugh about that. Even today.


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