Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Worst. Christmas Package. Ever.

The whole fruitcake thing got me thinking... I know my family is a bunch of practical jokers--what if, heaven forbid, they decided to be cruel this Christmas and send me a box full of stuff that would give them a laugh while managing to piss me off at the same time? Oh no! I swear, I've been a good boy this year! But just in case, this is what I'd expect to find once I opened the package:

  • Bath salts
  • Fruitcake
  • A red and green sweater with reindeer or other shiat on it
  • Any movie on VHS
  • A bottle of Shiraz
  • Domino's Pizza coupons
  • Already-scratched-off lotto tickets
  • Cheap Walgreens-checkout-line cigars
  • Romance novels (except the ones with Fabio on the cover--he's sooo dreamy! I keed, I keed!)
  • A calendar featuring unicorns or teddy bears
  • A Paul McCartney & Wings cd
  • A Bill Clinton Presidential coffee mug
  • Tennessee Titans crap
  • An ice scraper
  • Gay porn
  • A 'Vote for Pedro' t-shirt
  • A doll that wets itself
  • Tightie Whiteys in size 5xl
  • Instant oatmeal packets
  • A decaf coffee sampler
  • Something orange that says 'University of Tennessee' on it

That should just about do it. I'm thinking that if any of those items showed up on my front porch, it would be a Blue Christmas indeed.


No comments: