Saturday, December 10, 2005

Just Shut Up!

Every morning when I get home from work, I make it a point to watch the Mike & Mike show on ESPN News. It's on from 3am-7am out here in the Pacific Time Zone, so I'm usually wide awake and can catch most of the show (granted, in that four hour slot, there's maybe an hour and a half of actual content, due to all the commercials, promos, and 'highlights' repeated three times an hour, but that's a rant for another time...)

One of their weekly running features is the 'Just Shut Up' awards where they nominate the most vocal buffoons in the sports world for the dubius distinction of having said the dumbest thing of the week. It's mildly entertaining, but usually it's got that 'manufactured controversy' feel to it that Mike Greenberg so enthusiastically makes a living on, so I don't pay it much attention.

Anyhow, one of the topics getting kicked around this week by all of the talking heads in the sports world is the absolute dominance of the USC football team. Which always leads to those with their heads planted deepest in their asses to suggest that USC could compete with some of the worst teams in the NFL--maybe even beat them. Sure--USC would give the Jets, Niners, or Texans a run for their money, if not outright win.

My response could be distilled to five simple words:

Give me a farking break.

There is no way on God's green earth that any college team could ever compete with an NFL team, even on their best day. An old friend of mine back in Phoenix was a Nebraska alum, and in their salad days of the late nineties he insisted that they could beat the Bengals (the NFL whipping boy at the time). What a load of huskershiat. Not a chance.

First of all... As bad as the Niners, Texans, or Jets are, if you put them on a neutral field against a team comprised entirely of rookies, the Niners, Texans, or Jets win every day and twice on Sunday. And last time I checked, as good as USC is--none of them are even rookies yet!!! Not one player on that team has two minutes of NFL experience. Sorry case closed, don't even bother trying to argue that point.

If you're still not satisfied and wish to engage in the mental masturbation of your favorite college team mixing it up with the big boys, remember this--it takes a very talented athlete to make it to the NFL. A tiny percentage--only the very best of the best--ever get out of the college ranks to play on Sunday. As good as the Trojans are, not all of them are going to be getting to the next level. But I believe that every player on the Jets, Niners, Texans was good enough to make the leap. So talent wise, even the most dominant collegiate team can't stack up to the most inept NFL team.

It's such a ridiculous stretch to imagine otherwise that it's laughable to consider.

So when I saw Ronnie Lott on ESPN this morning talking about how his Trojans could give his Niners a run for their money, it irritated me so much that for a brief moment I felt like Elvis that time he pulled the trigger and busted a cap in his TV set.

So Greenberg, Ronnie Lott, or anyone else suggesting that it wouldn't be an ass-kicking of the highest magnitude just needs to shut the hell up and find something else to talk about.

But speaking of ass-kickings of the highest magnitude, one almost feels sorry for the Longhorns as they make their way to Pasadena. It's gonna be a wipeout on the scale of Texans/Trojans...


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