And The Eagle Flies With The Dove

I swear, I'm not trying to turn this blog into an estrogen-fest, but I can't help but write the things I'm thinking about.

And lately, I've been thinking about women. Well, actually, one woman in particular. But I think that's about to come to a screeching halt. In an earlier post, I mentioned, half-jokingly, that maybe I'd go out with another one of the other cocktail waitresses this next weekend, just because it felt like the thing to do. Not that I can just get any of them to go out with me whenever I snap my fingers, but the truth is, I've been hanging out with them more often than I do with my fellow dealers.

And there I was at my 9:00 pm break last night, and I saw the consensus hottest waitress in the casino, who I'd gone out with before, sitting alone eating her dinner. So of course I had to ditch my buddies and go sit with her. We had a fun conversation, and made tentative plans for her to give me a manicure sometime in the near future--a nice luxury that I used to do on a regular basis, but haven't had done in months. But grooming issues aside, it's just an excuse to hang out with her.

Of course, nothing is gonna happen, she is so far outta my league that whenever we're together, people gawk and think I must have Bill Gates type of money. And I have learned my lesson well. I'm not gonna expend any more emotional ammo until I know for sure a chick is into me. But there is nothing at all wrong with spending your free time with an attractive female. Especially when the one you really want is out of the picture.

But that brings us to last night. After making sure we were cool the other night, last night seemed almost too normal. I didn't have the floor people bring the empty glasses to my table so that Kimmy would come by, and although we chit-chatted like we always do, I didn't feel like I had to sigh whenever she walked away. In fact, I felt nothing at all.

I caught myself looking at her, shaking my head and thinking--She's right--she's not worth it. That was kind of unsettling to me, because I really liked the way she made me feel. But now, suddenly, I got nothin'. I still think she's awesome and given half a chance, I'd be with her if I could. But that knot in my stomach has disappeared, and I didn't find myself walking back to the dining room hoping she was there every time I went on break, either.

Acceptance seems to be here a few weeks ahead of schedule.

It's like somebody flipped a switch and turned it off. I'm glad too, because I pictured myself being an emotional wreck this next weekend, and now, I don't even feel emptiness. I just don't feel anything at all. Maybe, as a defense mechanism, I'm just numb to the situation.

I dunno. But what I do know is that Ali's visit and her enthusiastic participation in helping me take my mind off of my troubles was just what I needed. It was a wonderful week that pulled me from the depths of my despair. For that I am most grateful.

And now, life goes on. And I probably won't mention Kimmy again, unless it's just to talk about stuff we do together outside of work. Like I said, we're still friends...

Mikey