Isaac Newton Can Kiss My Ass

I'm having a slight problem today. I don't know if my equilibrium is off, or if they set off a whole bunch of nuclear bombs over in China and altered the earth's rotation angle, or if my ass has just turned into a huge magnet. But gravity has not been kind to me today.

It started early this morning when I was putting my socks on--I slipped and fell out of my chair. Then once I went to put my shoes on, while standing up, I lost my balance and almost face-planted right into my bedroom door. But I managed to catch myself before I did any damage to my face or my door. I left the house without incident, but then I tripped over the sidewalk on my way across the parking lot at school this morning. I didn't detect a pattern until I knocked a stack of twenty gaming chips off of the poker table and all over the floor, making it necessary for me to crawl under the table and fetch them all.

I should've just stayed down.

After school was over, which by the way, is on the second floor (foreshadowing!), I was headed back out to my truck and about halfway down the stairs, I overstepped, just catching the edge of a step with my heel, causing me to stumble. Luckily I didn't go all the way down the flight and land in a crumpled heap at the bottom, but managed to grab a rail so all that happened was that I landed directly on my ass. That one actually hurt a little.

But I'm a trooper, so I got up, dusted myself off, and made it home without further incident.

Of course, I was hungry, having not eaten anything all day except for a handful of peanuts the hottie in my poker class shared with me. So I decided to make some lunch. It was a simple affair--a can of ravioli in the microwave, and some garlic/cheese bread in the toaster oven. Long-time readers know of my previous problems with canned pasta products and I thought I'd put that episode behind me. The can of Chef Boyardee ravioli opened with no problem, but when I went to put the sauce-covered tear-off lid into the empty can before tossing the whole thing in the garbage can, I missed, and it hit the counter and the floor, leaving a small red gooey mess. No problem--I have paper towels and a bottle of 409 handy.

So the main course was put in the microwave, and before I hit the start button, I buttered the bread, sprinkled on some garlic salt, and tossed a pinch of shredded cheese on top. As I picked it up, I fumbled, and the bread landed on the kitchen floor, butter side down. So did the dirty butter knife that was sitting on the edge of the counter...

Damn. Another mess.

I finally got the whole thing cleaned up, a new piece of toast made, and my lunch prepared.

As I sat down to watch Around the Horn, the first piece of ravioli fell off the spoon and landed directly on my shirt.

That's about the moment I snapped and let out a screaming stream of blue expletives that continued all the way through the first commercial break.

I just cannot get it together today. I've either dropped my shiat or fallen on my ass all day long today and I'm getting sick of it, so I've decided to fight back. First of all, I'm sitting on the floor and don't plan on moving for the rest of the day.

And I don't care if all my shit is stuck to the ceiling next week when I get home from work in the middle of the night, but I'll be DAMNED if I pay the gravity bill this month. They can turn that shiat off for all I care. I'm tired of dropping stuff and falling down.

Mikey