Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Life's Lessons

A few of Life's Lessons, sometimes learned the hard way:
  1. Don't set a drink on the sliding keyboard-tray part of your desk.
  2. If you ignore lesson number one, make sure that you don't have every towel you own in the washing machine at the same time.
  3. Make sure the cocktail waitress doesn't have a husband and kids before you start hitting on her.
  4. Orange soda is not a good substitute for orange juice when making cocktails.
  5. Don't buy meat from the 'Clearance' bin.
  6. Remember to write down the amount of the check before licking the envelope.
  7. Don't leave the top on the cocktail shaker for prolonged periods of time.
  8. Read the instructions.
  9. Save the manuals.
  10. Write down passwords. Even if you think you'll never use them again.
  11. Don't open attachments. Especially if they come from some guy named Terry Hargreaves and you're at work.
  12. Problems with iPod, cellphone, or digital camera? Ask a kid.
  13. Make sure you have your wallet before the grocery cart is full.
  14. Don't trust Mapquest.
  15. Don't hang out with people who have a bail-bondsman on speed dial in their cell phone.
  16. You don't want free show tickets.
  17. Never make eye contact with somebody in a parking lot who obviously doesn't have a car.
  18. Fold Ace-Queen offsuit as soon as you get reraised.
  19. Don't argue with cops.
  20. The tunnel is faster for anything north of Tropicana and west of The Strip.
  21. Overtip the waitress at breakfast time.
  22. Learn a little Spanish.
  23. Free drinks are always more expensive.
  24. Make sure you have every piece of paperwork known to man with you before getting in line at the DMV.
  25. Older women always cost less and know when to stop talking.
  26. Don't date vegetarians. The freaky sex ain't worth the hassle.
  27. Remove the bong from the coffee table before she brings her parents over.
  28. Just because it's expensive, it doesn't mean that the coffee is any good.
  29. Change the oil.
  30. You can never have too many ziplock bags.
  31. Keep a supply of new toothbrushes on hand. And small t-shirts. Your impromptu overnight guests will deem you thoughtful.
  32. Leave your car keys in the same place every time you come home.
  33. Don't look at porn on public computers. Seriously, if you need to go to Kinkos to get your fix, you may have a problem.
  34. Bananas go bad all at once.
  35. If you can't find your sunglasses, check your head. If they're not there, then you'll always find them lodged in the gap between the passengers seat and the door.
  36. Buy your toiletries on Amazon. No sales tax, free shipping.
  37. The cheese is cheaper if you grate it yourself.
  38. Get the big bottle of rum.
  39. Wait until the absolute last possible minute to show up for the lifeboat drill.
  40. Get a passport before you lose your wallet.
  41. Empty the pockets before it goes in the hamper.
  42. Beer. You get what you pay for. Except at the high end.
  43. Don't forget the sunscreen.
  44. Don't eat any snack food from a dish at the bar. Half those f*ckers in there didn't wash their hands after they went to the bathroom.
  45. When renting a car in Vegas, hang something from the rear-view mirror. Makes it much easier to find in a sea of look-a-likes.
  46. Turkey jerky is better than beef jerky.
  47. Buy a toolbox. And fill it with good-quality tools.
  48. Cheap Vegas Entertainment: A room full of drunk girls and a pack of multi-colored Sharpies.
  49. Make sure you know the rules before you argue with the dealer.
  50. String bets only happen in the movies. If you try it at a real poker table, you'll only look like a retard.
  51. A real martini is gin/vermouth/3 olives. That's all. Bombay Sapphire is preferred.
  52. Always carry a pen. And a Zippo. And a few singles. And a digital camera. Just in case.
  53. If your car is covered in asshat-lefty bumper stickers, don't be surprised when nobody lets you cut in line during heavy traffic.
  54. Only use one hand to hold the dice. Or cards.
  55. Don't be an obnoxious football fan. In other words, if you're from Buffalo, Denver, or Dallas, find a new favorite team. Or just shut the hell up.
  56. There is no sex in the Champagne Room.
  57. Keep your receipts. And the original packing materials.
  58. Except for when you buy a house, you don't need the extended warranty. Just going back and raising hell in the store usually works pretty well.
  59. The kind of people that would pre-approve me for credit aren't the kind of people I want to do business with.
  60. If you go out of your way to look like a muslim nutbag, complete with the skull cap and weird-beard, don't be surprised when everyone looks at you with the jaundiced eye of suspicion. We don't trust you bastards.
  61. Pants before shoes, unless you really need to make a quick exit.
  62. Real butter makes a difference.
  63. You'll never get a warning from a motorcycle cop. Or a female cop. If it's a female motorcycle cop, better pop some Melissa Etheridge in the cd player before she approaches the window, or you're going straight to the can.
  64. Dogs will hump anything. Remember that before using a throw pillow at your friend's house.
  65. The punk goes in your mouth, the firecracker goes in your hand. Not the other way around.
  66. Shake the ketchup bottle before squirting it on the hotdog.
  67. A spare key does you no good if it's locked inside the car, too.
  68. If you're packing a toothbrush, you'll probably need to pack the cellphone charger, also.
  69. If a female asks you a question, never answer with the first thing that pops in your head. Trust me on this one.
  70. Dark chocolate makes for better smores.
  71. If you have a gas stove, never leave the kitchen when it's on. Gas can be as unforgiving as the cruel gray sea.
  72. Ignore # 71 if you need to test your smoke detector.
  73. The perfect ice cream scooper has yet to be invented.
  74. Trialware sucks.
  75. Buy the best bed you can afford. Actually, go up one level from the best one you can afford.
  76. Never announce your workplace on the internet.
  77. Getting a tattoo of somebody's name is never a good idea. Love can fade, but ink is forever.
  78. If you do it right the first time, she will eventually come back for seconds, and she'll tell her friends about it, too.
  79. Don't donate to a political campaign until they actually *announce* the fact that they're running for President. (I'm talkin' to YOU, Fred. Get off your ass and just do it already!)
  80. Make sure you have a nicer pair of black pants on hand than the usual ghetto stuff you wear to work, because you never know when that other job you applied for is going to call and want an audition.
  81. Carry breath mints.
  82. Remember where you put the valet ticket.
  83. Don't order the seafood special on Monday. It's made out of the weekend's leftovers.
  84. The better the tequila, the better the margarita.
  85. If you feel like you need to wash your face after a visit to the strip club, you probably got your money's worth.
  86. Fat white guys who wear throwback NBA jerseys look like complete retards. Stick to the NFL, Homeys.
  87. The only thing that sticks to Teflon is dishwasher soap.
  88. If I ask somebody 'How are you doing tonight?' when they come to my table, they always answer. And I usually regret doing it.
  89. Old showgirls never die. They become dealers. Or real estate agents.
  90. Just because somebody pays you to sing, it doesn't mean you're any good. Lots of people are getting paid to do jobs they suck at.
  91. The tag still goes in the back.
  92. Sourdough English muffins never go bad.
  93. The line always moves, usually against you.
  94. Parlays are a sucker bet, yet strangely addictive.
  95. A shoe is not a hammer, nor are pliers a wrench.
  96. Take your apron off before you unzip.
  97. The IRS is the world's most effective collection agency.
  98. Pretty much anything can be made to taste better if you add bacon or cinnamon.
  99. Fountain Coke tastes better than bottled Coke, which tastes better than canned Coke, which tastes better than raw sewage, which tastes better than Pepsi.
  100. The gub-mint creates more problems than it solves.


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