After that last cruise post I made earlier today, I guess it lit a bit of a fire under other people too--it seems that I'm not the only one to be excited about having a cruise planned.
But I want to answer the biggest question, from Jay, who asked if a cruise was all-inclusive. Well, the short answer is, yes and no.
The big things are included--lodging, food, entertainment, shows, and activities on board, and the 'cruise' itself--moving that big damn floating hotel all over the Caribbean. However, if you have never cruised before and are taken in by the splashy ads offering cruises for $599, well, you're in for a big surprise.
Six hundred bucks is an absolute bargain for a vacation, and yeah, it includes almost everything. But lets talk about the stuff it doesn't cover.
- Airfare. Unless you plan on driving to the departure port, you'll have to buy a plane ticket. And there ain't no way I'm driving to Florida, New Orleans, or Galveston. Maybe San Diego or L.A. But then, if you drive, you'll have to park your car somewhere for a week. Long term parking at the cruise terminals runs anywhere from $12-20 per day.
- Hotel. If you live on the west coast, like I do, and wish to take a cruise out of Miami, Tampa, or Ft. Lauderdale, most flights don't arrive until mid-afternoon at the earliest. No time for delays or missed connections. So you'll have to fly in a day before and get a hotel room. And don't forget meals, either.
- Airport transfers. If you fly in on the morning of your cruise, you still have to get you and all your luggage to the cruise ship terminal. There ain't no free ride. You can ride the bus, like most other passengers do, but that's a clusterfuck. It's much better just to get a limo or taxi. And if your cruise leaves out of Galveston or Port Canaveral, where the nearest major airport is 40 miles away, you're talking about a significant expense.
- Tips. Actually, this is actually quite reasonable. Most cruise lines suggest $10 per person, per day, total, which on a week-long cruise in only $70, which goes to your room steward, your waiter, and your assistant waiter. Not bad, especially considering all the hard work they do to please your demanding ass. In the old days, you'd just put the money in an envelope and hand it to them on the last night of the cruise. Nowadays, you can just add it to your onboard Sail & Sign account and have it added to your other shipboard charges.
- Drinks. This is the biggie for a lot of people. True, stuff like water, juice, milk, coffee, lemonade, and tea are included and there are fountains and outlets all over the ship dispensing these free drinks. But soda pop is not included, nor are cocktails or wine. Hell, they'll even put some icy cold bottled water in your stateroom while you're off sweating your ass off in the jungle in Belize, and when you come back exhausted, sweaty and sunburned, you don't care that it costs $6 for a bottle of Dasani. You'll crack it open and pour the entire liter down your throat in one long pull. Cha-ching! The price for wine is actually pretty reasonable on board, and you can even buy it by the bottle or the glass in the dining room. I usually buy a couple of bottles for myself and anyone I wish to share with during the course of the week. But where I get stroked is buying fruity drinks at the pool. They generally cost between $5 and $6 apiece, and they add an automatic 15% gratuity on each drink. All you do is show your room key/sail & sign card and a few minutes later, you're signing a little white slip for $6.85 each time. By the end of the week, they really add up. When I went on my first cruise, I think I paid about $500 for the cruise itself, but then I spent over $700 more on alcohol. Didn't matter to me, but some people may experience sticker shock.
- Onboard Spending Money. There are lots of things to spend money on while you're on a cruise ship. You can't escape the constant hawking of jewelry, art, and duty-free booze and cigarettes while onboard. And don't forget the stops by the sundries shops for stuff like a cold bottle of Coke, or maybe a bag of chips or a candy bar. Or sunscreen, chapstick, shaving cream, a new toothbrush, etc. If you want to use the computers to get online and check email, there's a charge for that, too.
- Gambling. Every cruise ship that's ever sailed has a casino onboard. And since there is no competition for your gambling dollar, most of the action is worse than anything in Bill Harrah's most erotic wet dream. But if you can put up with a single-odds dice table or a double-zero roulette wheel, it's not a bad place to spend a couple of hours.
- Shore excursions. Some folks load up on these, some people don't touch 'em at all. I've been on enough cruises to know which ones to avoid and which ones I'd do. I steer completely away from anything that has more than about 20 people going at once. I hate crowds and standing in line behind stupid people. I'd rather just do my own thing. But there are some great things to do out there, like taking a small sailboat out to a reef for an afternoon of snorkeling. Some folks love to take organized tours and stuff like that, but I hate it. Some of my fondest memories have been just hiring a taxi to take us around the island and do random stuff not listed in Fodor's or the Lonely Planet guide. And remember, if you go on a shore excursion that's offered onboard, about half of the price you pay goes right back into the cruise line's pocket--a cost of doing business the locals have to pay in order to have access to the market of rich, fat, American tourists.
- Shoreside spending money. This is another expense that I sometimes go a little crazy on. Hell, if you saw the duty-free booze prices in St. Martin, you'd immediately try to round up a couple of buddies and try to split the cost of a freighter to ship it all home for you. It's easy to go a little crazy when the bottle of Stoli Vanilla you pay $19 for back home only costs six bucks on the island. Or when a large bottle of Captain Morgan only costs five bucks. I always go waaaay over my US Customs declared allotment, so I guess by definition I'm a smuggler or bootlegger. But hey, sometimes we all want to stick it to The Man. Besides duty-free booze, there are plenty of other things to buy down in the islands. I have a stack of those woven Mexican blankets that are great for sleeping under while lounging on the couch watching football, and I don't think I've ever paid more than five bucks for any of them. But there's stuff like taxis, restaurants, drinks, Cuban cigars, trinkets, t-shirts, and even laundry service (there's a place in Cozumel that'll do a hefty bag full of dirty laundry for you--have it all cleaned, folded, and pressed, and waiting for you on the dock three hours later for like fifteen bucks). Beats the hell out of paying the laundry service on the boat $30 to clean six pieces of clothing, or wasting a couple of hours on your sea-day doing laundry at the self-service shop onboard. I've also spend $$$ on scooter and jet-ski rental, too.
- Pictures. That's one thing you cannot escape. While on a cruise, you are constantly having your picture taken, and you begin to feel like Brad and Angelina dodging the clowns from US Weekly whenever they take out the garbage. But some of the pictures are actually worth buying, and it's another thing to account for.
- Formal wear. On a weeklong cruise, there are two formal nights. Usually, I'll rent a tux and take it with me. I believe the last time I did it, it cost me about $150 for the week. But most formal-wear stores have a 'cruise package' where you get a tux with one jacket, one pair of pants, and a pair of shoes, but two shirts and two tie/cummerbund combos. Chicks--you're on your own there. A Little Black Dress will do, I suppose, but I'm the last person you'd come to for that kind of info.
So you can see how a $600 vacation could easily end up costing $2000 or more per person. And that $600 bargain price isn't for a balcony suite with floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the ocean as it rolls by. Six hundred bucks will get you an inside cabin with no windows on one of the lowest decks, down with the pigs, chickens, and immigrants, during hurricane season. If you want a window, it's another couple hundy, and if you want a balcony, it's about a grand during the off-season.
But even if you think $2000+ is a bit steep for a cruise vacation, well, there's an obvious reason for it.
It's worth it.
Mikey
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