Wow, this Cruise Week thing seems to be more popular than Cole Slaw Week ever was, so I'm just running with it. It's generated tons of traffic, three hits to the tip jar, and a boatload (pardon the pun) of email.
Most of that email is from folks who've never been on a cruise before, so I've been getting lots of questions. Instead of answering them all individually, I figured that since I now have a nice round number of them, I'd make a post of it instead. Here we go, in no particular order:
1) Which cruise lines do you prefer and why? I've only cruised on Carnival and Royal Caribbean so far. I give an edge to Royal Caribbean though. I like their ships better, the food is slightly better, and there's just that subjective intangible something that makes me prefer them. The cabins on Carnival are slightly larger, and I've always had a great time aboard Carnival ships, but I think I prefer the overall experience of Royal Caribbean. It's hard to say exactly why, though. Maybe because I think that RC is slightly classier than Carnival. I'm pretty sure that our next cruise, however, will be on a Carnival ship.
2) Where are the best cabins? Wow, talk about subjective, that's a tough question. Well, to tell you the truth, I've never been anywhere near the best cabins. I can't afford that neighborhood. I'm usually holed up down on the Immigrant Deck in an inside cabin across from the un-deloused Irishmen. Just kidding. Me? I prefer to be someplace close to the elevator at the same end of the ship as the cafe. On Royal Caribbean, that's mostly up front. On Carnival, that's mostly aft. It's just easier to get my coffee in the morning that way. Of course, I could call room service, but the ladies are usually still sleeping. If you're prone to seasickness, it's better to be near the center of the ship, as close to the center of gravity as possible, to alleviate most of the motion. And higher up is better. If you're down low, you'll be awakened every morning by the bow and stern thrusters as they maneuver the ship into port.
3) What is 'duty-free' booze? It's liquor that doesn't have any import/export taxes, excise taxes, or sales taxes attached to the price. In other words, it's dirt cheap. Every time I think of paying just $5 for a bottle of Captain Morgan, I get a faraway look in my eyes. But it's not just booze that's duty free--cigarettes are dirt cheap too, as is jewelry and perfume, too. In fact, one time I got me a very cool Citizen watch down in St. Thomas for just $60, but the exact same one back in Nashville was over $200 at the jewelry store near my office. Best watch I've ever owned, but I lost in on New Years Eve a few years ago. I'm gonna buy another one next time I get down there.
4) You said that Cozumel was your favorite port of call. Any others? Any ports you don't like? Well, besides Cozumel, I really love St. Thomas and St. Martin. I swear, I could live pretty well in St Martin if I ever have to go witness protection or something. I think my least favorite spot I've visited so far would be Grand Cayman. Overpriced, overhyped, crowded, and trading on it's name instead of offering anything unique. Now, before you get the wrong idea, choosing my least favorite Caribbean island is a lot like picking my least favorite Playboy bunny. It may not be my favorite, but damn, it'll sure do in a pinch. A lot of people don't particularly care for San Juan Puerto Rico, but I liked it a lot. But I bet if you polled a bunch of cruisers, asking for their least favorite ports, they'd either say Belize or Progreso, Mexico.
5) You said that you didn't like buffets and would rather eat in the dining room. I thought the dining room was all you can eat. What's the difference? Well, the dining room is technically 'all you can eat', but you have a wait staff and you order from a set menu. The cafe is a buffet for all three meals where you serve yourself like at a traditional buffet. Here is a typical dinner menu for the dining room on a Carnival cruise, and here is a dessert menu. And they change daily. But if you're so inclined, you can try as many appetizers, entrees, and desserts as you want. If you find you really like something, they'll be happy to bring you another serving. For whatever reason, I've never had good lobster on a cruise ship, although most everything else is very good to excellent.
6) Assuming I don't spend $700 on booze or gambling, how much spending money can I get away with for a week? Well, that depends. If you don't pay for shore excursions or photos, then it can be pretty cheap. With just a few souvenirs here and there and not much shopping while onshore, you could easily go all week without spending $250. But me, I like to go a little crazy when I'm on vacation, so a large bar tab and a few hundy worth of Cuban cigars stashed in my luggage is well within my planned budget.
7) Clearly, you love going on cruises. But there has to be some downside. What are the 'cons' of cruising that nobody talks about? Well, the lifeboat drill on embarkation day sucks like crap on a stick. It's hot as hell, humid, and it's a complete pain in the ass, especially if you're on a lower deck and have to hike your ass up ten flights of steps (they shut off the elevators for the drill) while wearing that ridiculous life jacket. We've learned not to go as soon as they announce the drill, but to wait until the absolute last possible minute when your room steward finds you hiding out in your room. Then, it's over in less than five minutes. Also, I don't much care for all of the ways the cruise lines try to sell you stuff once you're onboard. You can't get a massage without a sales pitch for some overpriced products. Or a haircut. All of their 'recommended' merchants on shore have a cruise-line markup. And I get tired of having my picture taken twenty times a day, too. But the absolute worst thing is the cruise director's constant announcements on the PA system. I swear, they all love the sound of their own voice. Oh, and European guys wearing Speedos. Seriously, what the f*ck? Nobody wants to see that.
8) How are the casinos on the ships? Is it like an entire deck? If you're used to Vegas, you might be disappointed. Usually, there's just one craps table and one roulette wheel. Maybe four or five blackjack tables and several dozen slot machines. And no, it's not an entire deck. The casino on a cruise ship is maybe two or three thousand square feet, not very big at all--about the same size as a tract home. But the casinos on Royal Caribbean are definitely much nicer than the ones on Carnival. And no free drinks, either, except with a few notable exceptions.
9) You never mention topless sunbathing on cruise ships. Is it allowed or is just a European thing? It's allowed, but only on the very top-most Sun Deck or Sports Deck. I went up once to check it out, and turned around and went back down about thirty seconds later. It was a bunch of large foreign women who you don't wanna see anyways, and one of my sisters. Never went back.
10) Do they have poker tables in the casino? They didn't on any of the cruises I've been on, but then again, I haven't been since 2004, right when the poker boom started. However, in 2003 when my sister Nancy got married and there were about 30 of us, I brought along my own set of poker chips and we played in the card room a few times. Won't do that again--those things weigh a ton. Word around the campfire is that they now have those electronic poker tables like they have at the Excalibur, but one of the guys I talked to said that they took up to a $20 rake on the cruise he took earlier this summer. F*ck that shiat. I'd never play that!
11) I heard you can't bring booze on board, but then other people said you can. Which is it? Well, you're not supposed to bring liquor on board, only wine. But then they'll charge you a corkage fee in the dining room anyways. But I've managed to sneak a bottle of rum in my checked luggage to keep in the cabin to mix with Coke. If it's in your carry-on luggage when you embark, they'll confiscate it. Also, all that duty-free booze I buy onshore--they take that from you when you get back on the boat, and they hold it all week, delivering it back to your stateroom the last night of the cruise. They want you to pay their prices for booze. As far as the wine goes, I don't think it's worth the hassle to bring my own, so I'll just pay for what I want onboard. But one of my sisters insists on bringing her own every time. To me, it's just a pain in the ass.
12) What do I pack versus a normal vacation? Any cruise-specific clothes I should have? What's the old cliche? Bring half as many clothes and twice as much money as you think you'll need... Actually, that's kind of true. I remember on our first cruise, we all waaaaaay overpacked. I think my sister Sherry actually brought 18 pairs of shoes. Hell, I even packed two pairs of jeans that I didn't wear once. And I'm surprised and how few socks I went through. Of course I went through seven pairs of dark socks, dressing for dinner, but I didn't use one pair of athletic socks all week, nor did I ever wear my tennis shoes. All I wore was sandals or topsiders during the day, otherwise I went barefoot. So I never pack tennis shoes or jeans. But I took three pairs of swimming trunks, lots of underwear and t-shirts, several polo shirts, cargo shorts, and two pairs of Dockers. And of course, I pack a tuxedo for formal nights. If I ever go to Belize again, I'm bringing a big damn floppy hat, too.
13) Are cruise ships like casinos when it comes to smoking? I mean, they're offshore, not subject to state law, right? Well, it's true they're not subject to state law, but since they operate in US ports and territorial waters, they have to comply with all US Coast Guard safety regulations. So you can't smoke just anywhere--not in most public areas at all except the bars and casino, and never in the dining room or restaurants. And a lot of cruise ships only allow smoking one one side of the deck, even when outdoors. The first ship I ever cruised on was the Carnival Paradise, and at the time, it was completely non-smoking. No cigarettes or tobacco of any kind was even allowed on board. You even had to sign a waiver saying that if they found you with cigarettes, tobacco, cigars, or even a lighter, they would put you off at the next port, and then you were on your own. I don't think that's their policy anymore, though.
14) What's that extra-fee dining you mentioned? I thought all the food was free. A lot of ships are going upscale now, and offering supper-club alternatives for an additional fee (usually around $25 each). Usually it's a steakhouse and also nicer Italian restaurant too. It's definitely worth doing once or twice, but not something to do every night. Also, while almost all the food on board is free, some ships have stuff like sushi bars, Starbucks, or Ben & Jerry's outlets where you can get some high-end grub for a modest fee, I mean, not even retail. I got a serving of yellowtail sashimi for like five bucks, and the ice cream was like a buck. I believe there are some Johnnie Rockets hamburger stands on some Royal Caribbean ships now, and they charge around five bucks for a full-on meal. But everything else is still free--the pizza joint, the burger grill, the buffets, the dining room, room service, etc. And I love love love the cheese pizza they have on Carnival ships. Great crust!
15) So, uh, how easy is it to hook-up on a cruise? It's a lot easier than you'd think. While most of the people on cruises go as couples, the single folk always seem to find each other. I met a gal on my first cruise, and we stayed in contact for months afterwards, even planning a trip to Hawaii together. But it fizzled, of course. There have been a couple of other brief shipboard
16) Have you ever dined at the Captain's table, like on Love Boat? Hell, I've never even seen the Captain's table. But since most cruise ships have two dining rooms and two main seatings, well, I only had a 25% chance of spotting it. But I've never been one of the chosen ones. However, I have been invited a couple of times to cocktails with the captain before dinner, but it's not really exclusive--there must have been 300 other people there too, and all we did was wander through a reception line like at a wedding. But it gave me a chance to dress up, sip champagne, and act like an upper-crust gentleman for an hour or so.
17) Do people get seasick? Oh hell yeah they do. A few years back during Hurricane Ivan, we were out at the edge of it, and the boat was rolling like a sumbitch the first night or two. Even with the stabilizers, it was pretty rocky. It's never affected me much, but there are lots and lots of people all over the ship wearing those dramamine patches behind their left ears at the beginning of each week.
18) You mentioned a newsletter. What's that about? Can I get one before the cruise? I don't know about getting one before a cruise--don't think it would do much good. It's basically the daily ship's newspaper that they put in your cabin each night, outlining the next day's schedule of activities. It's usually about eight pages long, most of it is ads for trinkets and junk and "sales" they're having on board, but there is a lot of useful stuff on there--maps of the next day's port, a list of all the activities on board, arrival and departure times, stuff like that. I can't remember what the one on Royal Caribbean is called, but on Carnival, it's called the Carnival Capers.
19) Do they throw confetti when the boat leaves port? Uh, no, never seen that happen. Besides, there's nobody down on the dock to throw it to. And the hippies nowadays would just shiat. I saw a kid throw his life jacket over the side after the lifeboat drill, and they tossed him and his entire family off the boat, no refund. Dumbass.
20) Are the pools and hot tubs open 24 hours? Usually not--most of them are drained around 10pm and they throw a big net over the top of them to keep the drunks out. A lot of times, however, the hot tubs are open till midnight or later. On Royal Caribbean, I've been out in the 'adults only' hot tubs until pretty late at night. By the way, some ships have fresh water pools, but most cruise ships fill up their swimming pool with ocean water. But there are plenty of freshwater showers on deck to rinse off with afterwards.
21) Everything I know about cruise ships comes from reading your site and watching Titanic. Can you stand up front on the bow and do the King of the World thing? Nope, you can't even get close to the bow--the front part of the main deck is blocked off for crew access only--it's covered in mooring and anchoring equipment anyways, no place for tourists who would only hurt themselves. But if you wanna do the whole Titanic thing, there's nothing stopping you from hopping over the stern rail and bidding adieu to that endless parade of parties and cotillions, yachts and polo matches.
I think that about covers it.
Mikey
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