Casino Asshats

Working in a casino certainly has it's fair share of ups and downs. I see some truly amazing stuff that one would never experience while working in a cubicle, and I bear witness to the entire spectrum of human drama on display every night. Some of it is pretty cool, a lot of it is funny, and a bunch of it is just a pain in the ass.

Today I want to discuss the pain in the ass aspect of dealing (literally) with the public.

There are a lot of different types of people who come to the casino, and those that are there to just have a good time, and know their limits with both alcohol and bankroll, are what makes the job enjoyable. But on the other hand, there are some real douchebags I see on a regular basis that I'd love to see get kicked in the nuts, just because it would make my day. Let me describe a few for you:

1) The Stroker

The Stroker is normally found at the dice table, and for whatever reason, they usually prefer to stand in the #8 spot, right next to the base dealer. A stroker is a player who has to have action on every roll, which in and of itself isn't a bad thing, but they seem to pride themselves on having difficult, complicated action. The words 'Same Bet' do not exist anywhere in the stroker's vocabulary--after each and every roll, their bets are pressed up in some unorthodox fashion, taken down a unit or two, or taken down completely.

For example, I had this guy the other night--He had a $24 place bet on the SIX. A six was rolled. The normal press move is to go to $30. Not this dipshiat--he told me to press it three units. So instead of the easy move of going to thirty bucks, like 99% of all other dice players in the universe, I had to take his bet from $24 to $42, which involves cutting out $28 (the payoff), handing him the $4 cap from his original bet, and then setting up a six-chip three-color place bet that is just begging to get knocked over on every throw of the dice. And of course a $42 place bet pays $49, and the Stroker won't have a single dollar check in his rack so you can give him two green for a buck when it hits again. Nope, the stroker immediately makes some stupid ass prop bet with any dollar checks you give him. So when the six hits again, as it inevitably will, you have to cut out three colors of chips (one green, four red, and four white). But the Stroker won't take his $49 payoff. He'll press it ONE unit this time, so that it now becomes a $48 flat bet with a $56 payoff (again, three colors). He will then take his remaining three white checks and make yet another prop bet. This goes on and on, and pretty much guarantees that the dealers are rooting for a seven-out every time, if only to keep him from pressing.

Dealing to a stroker at the dice table isn't too bad, as long as he's the only player on your end. But it gets really bad once some other dipshiat wanders over and decides that he's gonna play the same way. And if the table heats up, god help you--it'll be the longest 40 minutes of your life.

Another thing strokers love to do when the point has been established as either a six or an eight is to put a farked up amount of odds behind their line bet. Most $5 players will put $25 in odds back there so that it's an easy two-handed payoff, but not our strokers. We offer 10x odds, so they all take either $30 or $40 in odds, necessitating a three-color payout when the point hits, slowing the game down because the dealer has to go back to their stacks and set up their payout separately, instead of just going around the layout smoothly.

Oh, and it's generally against the Stroker Code to tip. But complaining seems to be a priority.

2) The Blackjack Pussy

This particular type of asshat is probably my favorite, because they are so easy to bust. This is the guy (it's always a guy) who refuses to play basic strategy. He won't hit a 15 or a 16 against a dealer's seven or higher, he always takes even money if he gets a blackjack and the dealer is showing an Ace, and he won't double a soft hand against a dealer's stiff upcard. Basically, he's playing scared.

The even-money taker is my favorite, especially if they're playing at only five or ten bucks a hand. Seriously, nothing screams "I have a small peener" more than taking even money for five bucks. Whenever somebody takes even money, it's an 'alert call' for the floor, so I have to announce it. So I announce it LOUD. And a lot of times when I pay it, I'll say something like Enjoy your five bucks, Nancy... which usually gets everyone else at the table laughing at them.

But it's even more fun when the blackjack pussy is trying to give other players his own brand of wrong advice. You should stand! You should take even money!, etc. Most of the time, the guy has the low stack at the table, and when he does, I like to say to the player who's receiving the advice Oh yeah, take gambling advice from the guy with no money--good idea... Yes, I am a total smartass sometimes, but I can pull it off.

The beauty of the blackjack pussy is that they're never around long, unless they get incredibly lucky.

3) The Pai Gow Flea

I deal with these more often than anything else, but not as much as some unfortunate dealers on my shift. We have a $5 game, but I'm usually dealing the $10 and $20 pai gow tables. But the $5 table is Hell on Earth for a dealer just because it's the same fleas that come in every night and play five bucks a hand and then bitch and moan all night long that they can't make any money. What's even worse is that we give away these stupid raffle tickets every time somebody is 'clocked in' with their player's card and gets a straight or better, and a couple of these morons just won't shut up about getting their tickets. And the tickets are crappy--I think they're giving away a turkey dinner on Christmas day for the current prize. But these asshats just cry and beg for tickets all day long. They make themselves look like even bigger dumbasses because they'll also ask for the tickets that somebody else at the table wins, but isn't interested in being in the drawing. Can I have his ticket? Can I have his ticket? all night long. Of course I tell them not only no, but Hell NO! They don't tip anyways, so they get no consideration from the dealers. The worst thing about Pai Gow fleas is that the game is so slow that you can't bust them. They're gonna be at the table all night.

In addition to the regular fleas, I really hate the 'experts' that comment about every hand, always tell you what they have as soon as they set their hand, and then insist on telling you how to set the house hand as soon as it's turned over. I know the rules to the game better than any other dealer on my shift, and much better than most of the floor people, so I find it especially irritating. Those are the people I love to see lose close hands.

4) The Deuce Bags

This is a group of old ladies that come in and play Deuces Wild several times a week. If they go three hands without seeing a Deuce, they go into broken record mode and let you know every hand. I still didn't get a deuce Mikey, are you sure that there are any twos in the deck??? Luckily, they are decent tippers if they catch a hand, and as soon as they do, they tend to shut up for a few minutes.

5) The 'Great Expectations' Player

This is the blackjack-playing doofus that wanders from table to table with a stack of chips, popping in and out of shoe games and loses pretty much every hand. He'll show up at an empty seat, changing the flow of the cards on a good shoe, messing up the vibe at the table. If he loses his first hand, he always pounds the table, curses, and walks off. If he wins, he inevitably doubles his bet, and then he loses the second hand, so he's behind anyways. Of course he throws a minor hissy fit, whining about how he can't catch any cards. But then he wanders off, only to come back again a few minutes later and repeat the cycle. This is the kind of dipshiat that thinks he should win every hand, and the rest of the table just hates 'em.

6) The Degenerate

These are the people that just won't leave, no matter how bad of a beating you put on them. Some nights, as a dealer, I am just unbeatable. If you sit down at my table, I will clean you out. But some people don't get it. They can't imagine losing twenty hands in a row--they think it's impossible. I'm here to tell you that not only is it possible, it's not all that rare. But the degenerate is so far in the hole that they feel losing is inevitable, and when they win, they bitch that that they didn't bet enough. So then they press, and I beat them again. A degenerate will not leave with money--they will play until they are absolutely broke, and then ask for cab fare and a pack of smokes.

7) The Lonely Guy

This is probably the worst of all the people to deal to, especially on my shift. This is the player who has no family, no friends, no girlfriend, no social life, no place to go, nothing to do. So they come and sit at the table all night and tell you their pathetic life story. And since they have no outside distractions, they always seem to have plenty of disposable income, so they never leave. It's even worse when you're dealing to a good table, maybe an attractive girl is playing by herself, or you have a fun couple, and the lonely guy shows up. He then kills all of your action, and you're stuck there dealing to him.

8) The Random Weirdo

Sometimes, especially late at night, when I'm sitting on a dead table at the far end of the pit, some random freak from the street will wander in and start talking to you. They always start with a question about the game or asking directions to the cage/bathroom/etc., but that's just their 'in'. Once they've got you, they just want to stand there and talk about random freaky shiat like how their grandmother was reincarnated or how the casinos are conspiring against them. Of course, my way out of that is to call the floor over and tell them that the Shufflemaster machine is messing up or it's time to change the cards or something like that and I start ignoring the freak. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. If I get really lucky, a player will come and sit down and the weirdo will shuffle off to bother somebody else.

Anyhow... Eight categories isn't really enough to cover all of the morons I see on a regular basis, but it's a pretty good overview. I could've probably written ten pages about the strokers at the dice table alone, but I think you get the idea. Because working in a casino may not always be fun and games, but it's certainly interesting.

Mikey