1) You know that Julie chick? Loves you. You want her? Gotta play it cool, you know. You can't let her know how much you like her, cause if she knows, she'll dump you like that. Believe me. Like, if she asks you if you want a ride, you say, "No, I've got my own ride, but *maybe* I'll see you later." Sounds stupid, doesn't it? It works.
Dawson's timeless advice to Mitch at the Emporium is something that I seem to have forgotton when I've made my homey picks with Georgia these past several weeks. I really like those Dawgs, and I keep picking them, and they keep letting me down. I gotta play it a little more aloof this week and maybe they'll come around.
Mississippi State +18 over Georgia. The Dawgs will win, but only by 17 points.
2) I only came here to do two things, kick some ass and drink some beer. And it looks like we're almost out of beer.
I should've been riding the Wisconsin bandwagon earlier in the year--if I had been, I'd probably be in a more respectable position than 13th place in this pool. I'm guessing that the Badgers will toss the plastic cups, stumble away from the keg, and beat down the Boilermakers like a shirtless Clint when he pounded on that guy who played Chandler's roommate that time Joey moved out.
Wisconsin -6 over Purdue. *Pick of the Week*
3) Mitchy. Mitchy, mitchy, mitchy... Mitch Kramer! We're lookin' for you pal. Your ass will be purple before the day is over!
Ok, so Vanderbilt got lucky and beat Georgia in Athens last week. But it looks like a below-average team is set up perfectly for a let-down game, to the benefit of the Ol' Ball Coach. I see the Gamecocks running it up on the Commies, with the extra bonus of twisting the knife in Georgia's back.
South Carolina -3 over Vanderbilt.
4) Let me tell you what ol' Melba Toast is packin' right here. All right, we got 4:11 Positrac outback, 750 double pumper, Edelbrock intake, bored over 30, 11 to 1 pop-up pistons, turbo-jet 390 horsepower. We're talkin' fuckin' muscle.
Both Texas and Nebraska are the gridiron equivalent of old-school muscle cars, although the Longhorns are stronger off the line and have breakaway speed. The Huskers lose their pink slip this weekend, and Wooderson couldn't be happier.
Texas -6.5 over Nebraska.
5) We're not in Junior High any more. We're freshmen. We're in the big time now... where the girls will be puttin' out all the time.
A completely overmatched Indiana team has to travel to the Big Horseshoe and spend four quarters getting kicked around by a superior Ohio State team that's gonna score more often than Randy 'Pink' Floyd at a moontower keg party with a bunch of drunk cheerleaders. Welcome to the Big Time, Hoosiers. If it weren't for the football game, you'd just be spending the day sporting a monster wedgie and being stuffed in a locker.
Ohio State -30.5 over Indiana
6) Slater: This place used to be off limits, man, 'cause some drunk freshman fell off. He went right down the middle, smacking his head on every beam, man. I hear it doesn't hurt after the first couple though. Autopsy said he had one beer, how many did you have?
Mitch: Four.
Slater: You're dead, man, you're so dead. Look at the blood stains right there.
One has to pity Tulane, going into Auburn for an SEC smackdown. Auburn wants to climb the BCS rankings pretty badly, so they'll take it out on the Green Wave and run it up. I hear it doesn't hurt after the first couple of touchdowns, though.
Auburn -32 over Tulane.
I'm hoping to do a little better than 3-4 this weekend. If not, than you can just bust out the Soul Pole and call me O'Bannion.
Dawson: Did you hear that O'Bannion flunked?
Randy: Yeah, what a dumbshit.
Randy: Yeah, what a dumbshit.
Mikey
No comments:
Post a Comment