We both believed that we each had the worse car, and being brothers, of course we argued about it whenever the subject came up. But we thought maybe the readers should decide, so we'll both plead our case. First up, The Good Reverend describes 'Red':
As most of you know, Hurricane Mikey and I (the good Reverend Dave) are brothers. I guess we are fairly typical brothers; you know we have to one up each other, sometimes fight with each other but just generally we get along pretty well. The only problem is both of us believe we have the biggest POS (piece of shiat) car there is. Hurricane Mikey asked me to write about my POS, and I assume he will write about his.
Now, I don’t have the “luxury” vehicle that Mikey does, so I may not have as many options on it that could go wrong, but I believe my POS is probably in worse shape than his sled; I’ve ridden in both.
My POS is 1991 Pontiac Grand Prix. This car came with the wife when we got married and somehow she has the nice vehicle and I ended up with Red. We call it red for obvious reasons, it is bright fire engine-arrest me-I’m speeding while sitting still-Go Dale Jr. go-red, or at least it was and some parts of it still are. I keep on telling my wife that I want to paint a white number 8 on the side and drive it to the next race at Talladega, but I don’t know if it’d make it there, must less back.
We can start with Red’s exterior. As I mentioned above, some of it is still red, while the other parts are red without the clear coat on it. It literally flakes off just like dead skin when you have a really bad sunburn. It’s almost as much fun to peel it off (my favorite pastime while filling up with gas). Of course Red came with a spoiler that is so faded out now I’m not sure if it’s burnt orange. There are the numerous dings and scratches along with the front air dam that we’ve managed to crack on both sides, so that it just doesn’t catch when you pull to close to those parking curbs, but it completely folds over. That might explain why the fog lights don’t work. The windshield doesn’t have any of those long cracks in the glass, it has two spots where it looks like someone threw a baseball at it, and those both came from dump trucks driving down the road.
My favorite parts of Red’s exterior are the two door handles. I believe I’ve replaced the driver’s side handle at least 5 times in the past couple of years; it always breaks. Just recently I’ve been fortunate enough that the passenger side broke. I have replaced the driver’s side handle within the past couple of months and for some reason it doesn’t quite work right. You have to push in the trim while pulling out on the handle to get the door open (kind of like jiggling the toilet handle to get the commode to stop running).
You can lock the door from the inside manually; the automatic locks will only lock the passenger side door. The key will not unlock the door from the outside and with the passenger side handle that is broken you have to be a little careful. The real fun with the door handles is when for some reason the door decides to lock itself. When that happens, I have to climb into the trunk of the car (the key still opens that), push the armrest for the seat down and take a five foot long pole and manually push the lock open while someone else is pulling on the door handle. What makes this so much fun is the small trunk with the good Reverend in it, me being 6’3”, 230 pounds. I’m not sure which is harder, trying to unlock the door with pole, or me trying to get my big ass out of the trunk. A couple of times I thought we were going to have to call the fire department and bring some Vaseline.
The interior of the car is about what you’d expect, especially a car that is 15 years old and driven by a couple of smokers. Yep, there are a few cigarette burns in the seat, on the floor, the door trim and headliner. The radio works most of the time, depending on how rough the road is. It seems to want to turn on or off and change the volume over every little bump. It has a power antenna that goes up most of the time, but on those cold mornings it only goes up about 6 inches (the car must be male!).
The dashboard is like watching a video game with all of the lights and things that are on most of the time. The low fuel light is always on along with the check-gauges light. The low coolant light is on all of the time, unless it is flashing and the check engine light comes on going down a hill and turns off only when you gas it. I wish I was making up some of this, but it is all true. Just recently, the trip odometer has stopped working properly; when you reset it, only the last two numbers will reset, and not the first one.
The dome light doesn’t work anymore. I’ve replaced the bulbs a couple of times and still nothing. The only interior lights that work are the ones in the doors, and even though the passenger side handle is broken, when you pull on it, the interior door lights come on. I’m not sure what to think of that. With all of these little electrical gremlins, I wonder if some out-of-work engineer from Jaguar went to work for Pontiac.
While Red has a number of faults, one thing remains constant; it doesn’t matter how many parts on the exhaust system that are replaced, or how much money you spend on it, Red just wants to be heard. It is the loudest car for one with a full exhaust system that I’ve ever heard. We’ve had it worked on so many times and just about everything has been replaced and it still ridiculously loud. There is nothing like the sound of a 3.2 liter, six cylinder, dual exhaust, automatic transmission car running down the road. My only guess is there are some engine pieces rattling around in the catalytic converter.
The engine actually isn’t that bad for a car with 149,000 miles on it. Of course it leaks oil, but it only does it for a week or so after you change the oil. That was a simple fix; I just don’t change the oil anymore. I guess Red thinks he needs to purge like a supermodel after becoming full. Of course belts, alternators, thermostats and other parts like that have been replaced, but it hasn’t been too bad. The transmission doesn’t slip, but you can tell it is a little loose.
Overall, Red has been a good car, but it’s time to part ways. I didn’t trade it in, so it still sits in the driveway, but it will be for sale soon. I doubt there will be any takers, so I’m thinking about donating it and taking a tax deduction on the retail value of the car; I’d probably come out ahead.
Unfortunately, I've never had the pleasure of riding in Red. Whenever I've been visiting, we always drover around in his Mountaineer. But now that you've heard about Dave's car, here's the lowdown on the Ghetto Sled:
I drive a 1994 Lincoln Continental that has about 143,000 miles on it, so it's a bit newer than ol' Red. I will admit that my paint job still looks decent, although it's fading a bit, especially around the trunk. And being twelve years old, it's got it's fair share of dings and scratches, but the only noticeable dent is on the lower half of the front driver's side door acquired when some redneck chick in an uninsured Camaro decided to run a red light and T-boned me one rainy morning back in Nashville.
Mechanically, it's pretty sound, as just before I moved to Vegas I put it in the shop for a week and dropped about a thousand bucks getting things fixed. It's got new brakes all around, new belts and hoses, and a new battery. Due to my misadventures pulling a trailer on the way out here to Vegas, it's got a new $2000 transmission in it, too.
Unfortunately, it's got a few chronic problems. Instead of a normal spring-and-shock suspension, the geniuses at Lincoln decided to give it an air suspension instead. That means I've got an air pump and hoses leading to giant rubber balloons in all four corners that inflate and deflate depending on road conditions, or more likely, just whenever the hell it damn well feels like it. For awhile it was always the highlight of my day to be driving down the freeway normally, then all of the sudden the front end would lower to about an inch off the pavement and the back end would inflate, raising the trunk about four feet off the ground. The front end looked like a Mexican lowrider, while the back end was reminiscent of a cat in heat. Of course, as soon as I'd turn off the engine it would reset back to normal, so occasionally I'd be hoping for a nearby red light. Luckily, somebody that specializes in that sort of repair saw me parked at the Opry Mills Mall one night and left a business card on the windshield.
I called him up a few weeks later, and he actually brought all the parts with him in his truck and replaced the struts while the car was sitting in my driveway. Well worth the $700 repair bill. Unfortunately, one of the new struts failed a few months later out here in Vegas, leaving me with another $700 bill. Because of that failure, when it happened, I shredded a tire on damn near the hottest day of the year. Luckily I made it into the frying-pan parking lot at Albertsons to get it off the road.
But that's where the tragedy turns to comedy, because while lying on my back sizzling like bacon while trying to change the tire the unfortunate realizaton struck that the idiots back at the Sears Auto Center back in Franklin Tennessee never gave me back the key to my wheel locks after they did the brake job. So instead of simply changing the tire and driving the car to the shop to get a new strut installed, I had to hire a flat-bed tow truck to deliver it for me, plus I had to get the locks drilled off of my trendy lace luxury wheels. However, after a mere $1500, I think I've finally got that bug exterminated.
Luckily the Sled doesn't leak oil, but it drinks power steering fluid and antifreeze like a hyperactive kid drinks red Kool-Aid. About once a month, every drop of power steering fluid just falls out of the pump. It drives along just fine, doesn't leak at all (until of course I park in the driveway--then it leaks every time. If I park the car in the gravel turnaround down at the entrance gate, it won't leak a drop), then suddenly after a few weeks, I'll turn on the engine and hear the familiar groaning squeal. But I keep a bottle of power steering fluid in the trunk at all times, so I'll pour some in and everything is fine for a few more weeks. I haven't quite figured out the issue with the radiator yet.
Once last summer I overheated while driving to work at the Golden Gate and had to pull into that same 7-11 where Doc Al and I saw the cops handcuffing perps to the grills of their cars. So I poured some water in, and I keep antifreeze on hand, and just like the power steering fluid, I have to check it every few weeks. But I'm always paranoid that it's going to overheat on me at the worst possible time.
The worst thing wrong with the car, as far as I'm concerned is that the compressor for the air conditioner is shot. I went to have it replaced, but there is another part that needs to be replaced, bringing the total repair bill to something north of $800. Sorry, but that's more than the blue book value of the car, so I refuse to get it fixed. I'm either gonna sweat this summer, or get a new truck.
Having had a black 280 ZX for years in Phoenix with no AC, I was prepared to sweat, but that leads me to the next issue with the sled, the windows. Being a fine luxury car, it's got electric windows all around, plus a sunroof. Unfortunately, the passenger's side window in front is off track and won't go up and down properly. So naturally I keep it in the 'up' position, but it makes a nice whistling noise once you get over about 30 mph. I've had it fixed twice, at $40 each time, but after a few weeks it pops off track again, so I've just stopped getting it fixed. The window on my side won't go up and down unless I use two hands. One to hold the button down and one to either pull the window down or pull it back up. If I pull it up, it won't go all the way closed--it stops about an inch short. If I want it completely closed, I have to get out-with the engine running, push the button with my right hand and reach over the top of the door with my left hand, lay it flat against the glass, and try to force it to the top. That's always fun. On the plus side, I don't visit the drive-thru windows at fast food restaurants anymore.
At least the rear windows and the sunroof still work.
I too have a few of the electrical gremlins that plague Dave's 'Red'. The 'Door Ajar' light never goes off, and the 'Service' light is always on until the engine warms up. But I think my favorite thing is how sometimes I'll be driving down the road and the 'Door Ajar' light starts flashing, the alarm goes off and the electric locks cycle themselves up and down a few times. It only gets annoying when the alarm keeps going off, but luckily that doesn't happen too often.
The thing that baffles the valet parkers in this town, however, is the gear shift lever. It's an automatic transmission, of course, but the shift selector isn't on the column, it's between the seats. But the button that you press with your thumb to move the stick out of Park has a wild spring behind it and keeps shooting the button out of the handle. So I fixed it by putting a black nylon sunglass bag that happens to be the exact width of the handle over the top of it to keep the button in place. Every time I get it back from the valet, however, they've always got the bag taken off and the handle on backwards. For whatever reason they can't figure out to just leave it alone.
Of course, I had a nice stereo/cd player installed before I left Nashville, too. Unfortunately, I had an occasional crackle in the door speaker on the drivers side (I'm guessing this, and the fact that the window doesn't work has something to do with getting T-boned). But that's a moot point now that somebody broke into the car last summer and stole my faceplate while trying to steal the radio. So in addition to having no AC, I have no tunes, either.
But like Jules told the Wolf, other than that, the car is tip-top.
At least I still have my fuzzy dice hanging from the mirror.
I really want to get a new truck pretty soon, and I'm leaning towards a Dodge Durango. Once I get that purchase made, maybe then we can argue about who's got the nicer truck.
Mikey
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