But I'm all about debt retirement and killing the Interest monster, so I'll probably pay a little extra and be poor again. Oh well, I've got no particular place to go, and all Vegas-style buffoonery is on hold until Doc Al gets here next month.
Damn, if I only had a time machine, I'd go back to 1989 and tell myself that those student loans would be better spent buying stock from all those nerds in Seattle and their new Microsoft outfit, instead of going to Jackson Hole every weekend and canoeing, camping, and river-rafting with my buddies. Oh yeah, and I'd also tell myself to never even consider going to Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University for three semesters. Easily the worst decision I've ever made. I'm *still* paying that shiat off.
Ugh. It's depressing to think about, so we'll move on to a more interesting subject.
I see a lot of interesting things while working in a casino, and the people watching is usually a highlight. This past weekend was no different. I saw a Beach Crazy-wannabe and her friend getting liquored up and needing help up off the floor a few times. I saw a guy hit a slot machine for a $40,000+ win, then come to my table where I promptly relieved him of over a thousand of it in less than ten minutes. I saw a fellow dancing to the beat of his own, and obviously different, drummer all night long to the music being played in the bar, which was entertaining for everyone who had the pleasure of witnessing it.
I also saw my fair share of degenerate gamblers.
It always amazes me that people will gamble until their last dollar is gone. It's like it's against the law to walk away with $50. Why not take the money and go home, instead of insisting on going home broke? I'll never understand it. I mean, gambling should be fun, but damn, it's amazing to watch somebody literally insist on losing their money.
Last night I was dealing to a guy who'd made probably about $500 playing Pai Gow at $25 per hand, but he stayed at the table for hours grinding away, giving it all back. Finally, around 1:00 in the morning, he put his last $50 in the circle and said he was going home after he lost that last bit of money.
Hey genius, why not pocket the green chips and salvage a little dignity at the same time?
Of course, a case bet never loses, and he doubled his money. So what did he do? He let it ride, insisting that he'd go home after that hand. So I dealt him a full house. After paying him off on his winning hand and his bonus, he had almost $250. Did he color up and walk with two bills and change? No. He piled it all up, telling me that if he lost that hand, then he'd go home.
To him, going home broke was better than pocketing $250. I'll never understand that mindset. Of course, the next hand I dealt myself three pairs and he finally got his wish and left, broke.
I'm telling you, moments like that remind me that owning a casino is a license to print money! Luckily my 401k is about 20% gaming stocks, so I directly benefit from people who refuse to walk away with money in their pockets.
It gets even better... While I absolutely detest dealing $5 games, the potential for unintended comedy from watching people who lack common sense is treeeee-mendous. Our casino manager decided that instead of all Pai Gow games having $10 minimums or higher, we'd always have one $5 game available to 'create interest in the game'. I can see the reasoning for that, but in reality, as someone who deals at that table for two hours per night, I can tell you that it hasn't created any new interest at all--it's the same low-stakes players that we always have, now just trying to stretch their bankroll twice as long.
But here is the beauty of it. Most of the people that play the $5 game also play the Fortune bonus at $5 per hand also, chasing that once-in-a-lifetime hand, or hoping to get a piece of it with their Envy Bonus if somebody else at the table has a monster. But those hands are rare, and most of the time, the hand results in a push, so they lose the $5 they had on the bonus. But what makes me laugh on the inside is when they win the hand, they still lose their five dollar chip that was sitting on the bonus circle, but then I give it right back to them for their winning hand. In their mind, they think it's a 'push'.
But they don't consider the commission. So for almost every winning hand at a $5 table, it costs them a quarter.
So lets see here...
- If they get no bonus and lose the hand, they lose ten bucks.
- If they get no bonus and push the hand, they lose five bucks.
- If they get no bonus and win the hand, they still lose a quarter.
- If they get a bonus and win the hand (which happens about, I dunno, 5% of the time), they'll average about $17 (rough guesstimate).
Amazing, huh? The actual house edge on Pai Gow is miniscule, but the way people play it in real life gives the casino a HUGE edge.
The lesson here--go long on the gaming sector!
And in an earlier post I talked about how folks should play their regular bet for $15 minimum if they're playing the bonus for $5. Well, the folks in charge are aware of this, and I suppose that's why we *never* have a $15 minimum Pai Gow table--it takes too long to break somebody that way. I've been dealing the game long enough to know that if somebody buys in for $100, and plays the ten dollar minimum with a five-dollar fortune bonus, they won't last an hour unless their luck runs to the statistical anomaly side of the equation.
And no amount of preaching this information can change behavior--gamblers, by definition are irrational--I tried telling my favorite players this "secret" on several occasions, but most people are just too stubborn to figure it out for themselves. They'd rather go broke. So I usually just shut-up and deal. Every now and then I see somebody who obviously gets it, so it's a pleasure to deal to them. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't also derive a wee bit of pleasure from seeing somebody go broke who's playing 'dumb'.
Seriously--there is already a house edge built into every game. Why give your money away faster? True, some would say the difference doesn't matter--but if you're gonna go broke, why not go broke in three hours instead of just one? Because, kiddies, as far as Pai Gow is concerned, the longer you sit at the table, the better your chances of catching that monster 5-Aces or 7-Card Straight hand with it's huge payoff. And like I said earlier--you don't have to leave broke, but unfortunately, most people behave like they don't have that choice.
And the casinos laugh all the way to the bank.
Comedy? Yep. Tragedy? Absolutely. I guess that's why it's such good Drama. And I've got a front-row seat for it every night.
Mikey
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