Rat Bastard

Is there nothing better than the smack talk that goes on at a poker table among friends? Maybe the smack talk that goes with bagging on your buddy's choice of professional/college team favorites, especially after a humiliating loss (Notre Dame and Ohio State fans, please pick up the white courtesy phone...) but for good old-fashioned banter, nothing generates better zingers than laying a beat down on one of your friends at the poker table.

I think my boy LV Terry had the all-time greatest poker smack, after taking a pile of money off of his friends at the poker table, they attacked his most famous weak spot--his love for the Raiders.

Yeah, a Raider fan needs that money to pay off his bookie...

Since a die hard member of The Nation has nothing to fall back on (and they never seem to depend on past glories like obnoxious Cowboys fans always do), Terry had to get 'em where in hurt and remind them of all the money he just took from them.

I'm sorry, does this wallet make my ass look fat?

Absolutely brilliant. There is no comeback to that line. I heard it a month ago and it still makes me chuckle.

When you're on the recieving end of good smack like that, there's nothing you can do but take it. No comeback will suffice, and by the time you think of one, the moment has long passed.

But even worse than taking a ration of shiat from one of your fellow players is when one sucks out with a trash hand and lays down a bad beat on you. And then won't let you forget about it.

For instance:

We had a good group at the table, no real sharks, no real rubes, and it was a fun run of cards. At one point, I looked down and saw Ace-Four of spades, so I called to see a flop. Bam! I flopped the wheel when 2-3-5 rainbow came up. I was in early position, so I led off the betting with an “Oh yeah, I got the wheel” knowing nobody would believe me. My boy Dougie decided to be one of the callers, and I was a little ticked off when a four came on the turn, sabotaging my hand. I called it all the way down at that point, giving Dougie a large ration of smack talk for staying in with 10-6 and claiming my pot. I believe the term ‘Rat Bastard’ actually made an appearance and everybody at the table got a laugh at my expense. I guess Doug felt a little guilty about it, and offered to buy my breakfast later (Of course, it was with MY chips…).

Yep, that happened in March of 2004, during the Original March Madness gathering of degenerates. And ever since then, the 10-6 has worked it's way into my consciousness in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.

March Madness IV is just over the horizon and getting closer, and nobody is more excited about it than Dougie. And he's going all-out to remind me of that 10-6 beatdown from three years back.

For instance, a few weeks ago, some enterprising soul hit my Amazon tip jar to the tune of $6.10.
Hmmm... Wonder who that could be. It's totally anonymous, so I have no idea who would've done that...

And then just today as I retrieved the mail, there was an envelope from a PO Box in Idaho. There was no note inside, only a picture of the Imperial Palace (site of this year's March Madness poker tournament), and two playing cards--a six of hearts and a ten of clubs.

Sounds like somebody is trying to send an early message.

So here is my response:

I don't need no wallet to make MY ass look fat! Go ahead and play that trash, Dougie! Not only do I have better poker Kung Fu these days, but I have a ringer in my corner, goes by the name of Sticky, and she's gunning for you, too. You're going down, O'Doyle! (But not today...)

I'm thinking we need to have some sort of side bet action, as in, whoever goes out first has to do something appropriately costly and/or humiliating.

Any suggestions, gang?

Mikey