But I'll take a 60% winning percentage every day. At least until I get my hands on Marty McFly's sports almanac.
Until then, these are the best I can do:
BUFFALO -3 over Oakland. I can't believe that Vegas has these two teams rated as even. Of course, they did both beat pretty shiatty AFC west teams last weekend, so it's hard to tell. But if I were still wearing an ugly brown polyester shirt to work and trying to score with cocktail waitresses every night, I'd wander a few feet away from my office and bet this one heavy.
PITTSBURGH -14 over Seattle. Man, this game is just screaming to be part of a three-team teaser. I don't know if this line could be high enough. Seriously--even if it were -21, you'd still take the Steelers, right? I mean, coming off of that epic beatdown that the Ravens laid on 'em last week, you don't think they're the least bit angry and aren't going to take it out on the hapless Seahawks at home? Like Mr. T said, My prediction? Pain... I'm guessing Tavaris Jackson gets taken off the field on a stretcher, and James Harrison collects at least $75,000 in new fines. This game is going to be like that scene in Inception--the Seahawks are the parked cars, the Steelers are the freight train.
Tampa Bay +3 over MINNESOTA. I had to take a road dog at some point, and this is the best possible choice. According to Vegas, these teams are dead even? I don't know about that. I'm guessing that the Bucs not only cover, but win outright. And McNabb won't even be able to keep his soup-selling job once this season ends.
Houston -3 over MIAMI. When I hear all these professional media people talking up the Texans, some of them even picking them to go to the Super Bowl, I get this Huh? What? look on my face, kinda like when your dog first wakes up and doesn't quite know what's going on. Have they ever even been to the playoffs? No? Alrighty then. But they're certainly better than the Dolphins, at least at this point of the season. My only hesitation in picking them this week is because of the Mojo. Like the Ravens, I wonder if they didn't spend it all last weekend beating down a long-time nemesis.
Green Bay -10 over CAROLINA. Lotta chalk in this one, and I'm guessing this game has the most squares betting it this week, too. But if that makes me a square, so be it. And as much praise as was heaped on Cam Newton in his opening-day debut (still a loss, by the way), he was, however, going up against the Arizona Cardinals defense--not exactly the '85 Bears. And as many points the Packers gave up to the Saints last Thursday night, well, the Pack was up against Drew Breeeeeeeees! Like Dan Quayle was no Jack Kennedy, Cam Newton is no Drew Brees. And Aaron Rodgers has had ten days to get ready for this one. Newton comes crashing back to earth like Skylab this weekend.
Normally, I'm going to stick to just five picks per week, but I've got a bonus one where you can make your money back:
NEW ENGLAND -7 over San Diego. San Diego has the longest road trip in the league besides a Miami/Seattle game. The Chargers are historically bad in September every season. And coaching? Norv Turner versus Bill Belichick--easily the most one-sided match-up this side of Floyd Mayweather versus an asthmatic junior-high kid in a wheelchair. And even though I'm not a huge fan of Tom Brady and never root for the guy, Phillip Rivers is kind of a dick.
I haven't even really looked at the college games yet, except of course for the Oklahoma-Florida State game tomorrow night. Unfortunately, I have a family function to go to, so I won't be able to watch it. However, on Sunday, I'm parking my ass in my favorite chair and doing the Vulcan mind-meld with the NFL Red Zone channel for seven hours straight. Since there are no commercials for pee breaks, I'm thinking of investing in an astronaut suit.