Friday always seems to be a slow news day. Is it just the newspeople slacking, getting ready for the weekend, or is there truly not that much going on in the world? I've already hit all of my internet bookmarks a couple times today, and I've yet to find anything really interesting.
In that spirit, I'm going to post a few of my favorite headlines from the past several months from FARK.com, one of the best websites in the world for wasting time at the office. As many political nimrods as there are on that site, those folks sure can write some funny headlines.
So here we go--these headlines were linked to actual news stories. However, I think these Fark versions are much better than the original sources.
Without further adieu:
Country stars launch their own brands of food. Dolly Parton's melons sure to be a big seller
Israel identifies new secret Hamas leader, give him a 10-minute head start
Satellite photo reveals possible Noah's ark on Mt. Ararat. Next step: Acquire headpiece, Staff of Ra, Abner Ravenwood, U.S.
Miller drops test of fruit-flavored beer. No word on when they'll stop distributing the urine-flavored variety
New Da Vinci drawing discovered. Hidden code says, "Be sure to drink your Ovaltine"
Afghanistan holds first post-Taliban execution. Texans score it an 8.5 out of possible 10
Saddam still thinks he's president of Iraq. Al Gore being flown in to help with therapy
Suspicious powder that shut down Houston ER for three hours was simply a prescription drug. In other news, you can now get prescription drugs in suspicious powder form
Ricardo Montalban Theatre to open in LA, all seats to be fine Corinthian leather
A virus ate my term paper. Dogs everywhere finally off the hook
Weirdos cutting off their own perfectly healthy limbs with a chainsaw. Shrinks, weirdos both stumped
Tornado reveals child pornography in Maryland man's home, sending him to OZ
If you lost a glove at the Frisbee Golf Park in Columbus, Ohio, a dog just found it with your hand still inside
Church of England unveils first online "i-church" and new web pastor. Bootleg sermons already showing up on Kazaa
Middle school food fight gets out of control. Senator Blutarsky unavailable for comment
The good news: It wasn't a bomb. The bad news: It's not a typewriter anymore either
Researchers find chemosignal that encourages women's sexual desire. Said to smell like fresh cash
Hurricanes cut Florida orange crop by 27 percent. Winthorpe and Valentine unavailable for comment
New Zealanders to put human DNA in cows, this time for scientific reasons
Lightning strike in Israel kills 10,000 chickens. Colonel Sanders and Doc Brown call emergency joint meeting
Church of England debating whether to allow female bishops. Critics say move won't help women to move forward, only diagonally
"Queer beer" hits the shelves. Available in bottles or in the can
Man-made blue ice sculpture reaches 111 feet, 7 inches. Airline officials unavailable for comment
Friends of James Dean disagree on what led to his death, but all agree that the man knew how to make one hell of a sausage
Thousands of gallons of pork grease spills onto highway. Route 460 is no longer kosher
15-year-old surfer who lost arm to shark in 2003 will singlehandedly launch own fragrance line
Europe offers Iran incentives not to develop atomic weapons. Hopes to sign agreement in Munich, declare "peace in our time"
MICHIGAN SCHOOL FOR THE DEAF CELEBRATES 150TH ANNIVERSARY