People That Need to be Kicked In the Nuts, Volume I

--Anyone who rides around on an electric scooter that doesn't need to. If you can walk, pick your ass up and walk.

--People who insist on whistling while riding the elevator. Yeah thanks man, glad you're in a fine mood. Now shut the fark up.

--People who have those new miniature cellphones that they clip to their ear and wear around constantly, even when they're not talking on it. Yeah, we know you think you look cool and all Borg-like and futuristic, but to the rest of us, you just look like a huge dork that still lives in your parent's basement.

--Paul McCartney, for crimes against music since the Beatles broke up. Seriously, the man has released some of the worst songs in existence that would never have seen the light of day had he not been a former Beatle. Silly Love Songs? Are you kidding me? And that whole Uncle Albert song. Good God. Just how bad were the drugs he was taking at the time? The worst, however, has to be that Christmas song Simply, having a wonderful... oh God, make it stop! My ears are bleeding! I don't care if the man was Knighted by the Queen Mother--He rides through my village, he's getting pelted with rocks and garbage.

--Greta Van Susteren. I wonder, Greta, how many other people in the U.S. have disappeared under mysterious circumstances over the course of the past three months have you reported on? I'm guessing that if Natalee Halloway were black and plain-looking, you wouldn't have spent the majority of your summer down in Aruba...

--People that walk up to the table bet the Dark Side in the middle of my roll.

--At least one person at the table from every televised poker tournament.

--Ashton Kutcher, just on general principle.

That's all for now. My foot is getting tired just thinking about it.

Mikey