An Open Response To 'Chris'

Apparently, my blogging has cut a little too close to the bone with a couple of readers lately, as evidenced by the recent posts in my comments section. 'Sipote' tells me that this blog has sucked ass lately (in not so many words). My only response to him is, If you don't like it... Well, you can figure out the rest. I invite you to give it a shot, Mr. Critic Man, and tell me how well you do. It's not so easy to write compelling and creative posts at all times, which you'd soon figure out if you ever tried it. But several hundred unique hits a day and a quarter million page views in the last year tells me that somebody out there finds this site interesting. If you're not one of them, nobody is forcing you to stay.

Don't let the door hit ya, as they say...

Another delightful comment came from some basement-dwelling, World-of-Warcraft-playing toolbox named Chris, and I feel I must respond. Here are his words in their entirety:

At some point you are gonna have to tell the world that you are gay. Dont worry, I am sure it will not stop you flow of cash into your tip jar that you are always hinting about. Dude you need to get a handle on your manhood. If by chance you are not batting from the other side you need to think about your posts and think about what you are telling your readers. I have been a reader for a long time and recently I really have begun to wonder about it. Fess up and come out of the closet....

Wow.

I guess my first response should be a great big Effue.

But lets dig into this a little deeper, shall we?

Yep, the more I think about it, smoking cigars and drinking beer is totally teh ghey, as you net-savvy youngsters like to say, don't you think? Would you be happier if we spent our time discussing the WNBA or the latest moronitude to fall from the gaping maw of Rosie Rottencrotch on The View?

And I guess if grilling steaks and hanging out by the campfire with your buddies makes you want to dress up like a lumberjack and make sweet sweet love to a brawny fellow with a ticklish beard and matching flannel sheets, by all means, knock yourself out. But don't go projecting your homo-erotic tendencies in my direction, because I'm all about the coochie, brotha. Always have been, always will be.

Buttsecks is not for me, but you seem to be trying to identify potential partners. You really have been 'wondering about it' lately? Why is that, do you think? (Could it be because it makes it easier for you to hide your shame if they "fess up", maybe so you don't have to, hmmm???) If that is the case, good for you--I wish you the best, and unlike you, I wouldn't call you out in a public forum. First of all, it's poor manners, and second of all, Like we give a toss about who you're buggerin'!

As far as the topics that I post go, most of my readers seem to *love* it when I talk about food/cooking/recipes. Those are the topics that generate the most responses and comments. It's called "knowing your audience". Clearly, you don't know yours. Or mine, for that matter. But the bottom line is, I'll write about whatever I damn well please. If it makes you uncomfortable, the issue is with you, not me.

Wine with dinner? Does that bother you? It's one of the finer things, dude. Everyone knows this.

But feeding your chronic acne problem with delivery pizza and Code Red while you sit in your parent's basement/dorm room/IT cubicle and download anime tentacle porn all day, you probably have yet to acquire the taste for anything that doesn't come with a screw-on top. That's ok--start with white Zin like everyone else does and go from there. In a few years you might actually be able to carry on a moderately sophisticated conversation instead of telling somebody they are gay just because you don't have anything to add to the discussion.

And let me remind you of another piece of advice that's over 200 year old, but somehow you must've missed it. It goes something like this:

Never pick a fight with a man who buys printer ink by the barrel.

But this is the 21st century, and this is my site. And all of it's far-flung readers read what *I* decide to devote the "printer ink" to. My voice reaches thousands of people--you just had one shot in my comments section and blew it by being a snarky little dumbass cursed with sexual frustration. That is your legacy.

Now your IP address is banned and can't respond to anything I say about you. I could spend the entire next week roasting you over the coals like a chubby little marshmallow and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Everybody that visits this site will hear what I have to say. Not one of them will be able to hear your flaccid response.

Nice move, Junior. I guess you didn't think that one out very well, did ya?

Oh.. and thanks for the tip jar reminder. As always, all donations are appreciated, and it's especially helpful right now, seein's how The Man wants a piece of my ass even more than our friend Chris does.

That is all.

Mikey