Christmas cards? Who needs 'em. I'm sending a few letters out this year, instead. Here's what I've got so far:Dear Cox Cable--
I do not want digital home telephone service. I don't care what it costs, how much you say it saves, or how great it is. I don't want it, and I will never buy it. Please quit trying to sell it to me. You're wasting your breath, and you're killing too many trees with all that shiat you put in my bill every month trying to get me to buy it (and I just send it back to you, anyways). And your stupid 'bundle-eaze' commercials are not only annoying as hell, but I can't imagine anyone wanting to sign up for your service after seeing one. Please, just stop. Take all that energy and expend it on making my TV service more reliable.
Sincerely,
Mikey
Dear Best Buy, Casual Male, and other retailers of your ilk--
Please stop asking me for my phone number, zip code, or email address whenever I make a purchase at one of your stores. If I say 'unlisted', leave it at that. I'm not giving it to you, and you're never gonna get it. BTW, if you haven't figured out that 60613 is the zip code for Wrigley Field and not Henderson, Nevada, well then, what does it matter where I live, anyways? Do you really believe that I'm road-tripping out here from Chicago every time I shop at one of your stores? Besides, if I'm paying cash, I want you to treat me like you're a hooker and my name is 'John'. I want to get in, get out, and get on my way as quickly as possible. You don't need any of my personal info.
Sincerely,
Mikey
Dear Amazon.com--
I love your service and prefer to do most, if not all, of my shopping with you. However, please stop trying to sell me a Kindle. I don't want one, I don't need one, and I certainly don't travel enough to recognize the utility of such a device. I will probably never buy one. I prefer to do most of my reading curled up on the couch, or in my bed, with the soft glow of an incandescent bulb providing the illumination, enjoying the tactile experience of a real book. Perhaps the next generation enjoys staring at a computer screen all of their daily interactions, but I'm over 40 years old and do not. Please direct your marketing efforts to a more receptive demographic. However, if the graphics technology exists sometime in the future where one could discreetly download, say, certain magazines of an adult nature, we may do some business at that point. I'm just sayin'.
Thank you,
Mikey
Dear McDonalds--
I haven't been a regular customer of yours since whatever animal that you make the McRib out of went extinct. But just so you know, whenever I *do* make the occasional visit, NO--I don't want fries with that. Or a pie, now that I think of it. If I wanted fries, I'd order them. It's not like I'd forget to order a side with my double cheeseburger. I know that most of the population of the world just loves your French fries, but I'm not one of them--I'm just not a fry guy. However, rest assured, that if I ever do decide to order a side of French fries with my meal, I will happily purchase them from one of your fine establishments. But on that matter, I, however, will be the one to initiate contact, if you don't mind.
Thank you,
Mikey
Dear 'Dex'--
There's this thing called the 'internet' now, and on this internet, they have this thing called 'Google'. If I want to find something, I think I'm just gonna use that from now on. You can stop leaving phone books on my front porch. They're just gonna end up in the dumpster anyways. If you insist on passing them out, might I suggest partnering with the fine folks at Cox Communications. Maybe the people who buy their digital telephone service may find the need for a phone book at some point, but I haven't used one since I needed to find somebody willing to sell me flashcubes. Or maybe talk to the people at Amazon and see if they'd be willing to put it on their Kindle device. Then it wouldn't sit in that little cabinet above the fridge, unused, for years on end. It would probably save a few trees, too.
Sincerely,
Mikey
Dear Manhattan Pizza--
Your pies are not good. Please quit leaving menus on my doorknob. Take some of that marketing budget and order something from Villa Pizza instead, so that maybe you'll get a better idea of what a delivery pizza is supposed to taste like.
Thanks,
Mikey
Dear John Barr, Geico, and Progressive--
Your commercials are so stupid and annoying that you're probably losing more business than you attract. Because of your advertising efforts, I will never use your products, and I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who feels this way. Please, just fire your entire marketing department and start all over from scratch. Trust me, it won't hurt your business. Or at least take an entire fiscal quarter off from advertising and put all that money back against your bottom line, pleasing your shareholders and giving the rest of us a break. That's a win-win right there. Also, could you please forward this letter to your colleagues at Kay Jewelers, too? Thanks!
Sincerely,
Mikey
Dear WalMart--
If you're going to present yourself as a 24-hour super-center, please make sure the entire store is accessible 24 hours a day. Roping off the dairy section so you can buff the floors every morning between 3:00 and 4:00 am isn't helpful to those of us who choose to do our shopping at that time of day. Creatures of the night need milk too.
Thanks,
Mikey
PS--Sorry about the footprints.
Dear John Mayer--
Just stop. Seriously. Please--just stop. We're begging you.
Sincerely,
Mikey
Dear Lee's Discount Liquors, Costco, Fausto's Mexican Food, Home Depot, M Resort, and Spearmint Rhino--
Y'all are doing a fine job. Keep up the good work.
Happy Holidays!
Mikey
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