Because I Love You People

Hey, I know it's tough to go back to work on Monday morning following a week-long vacation. Even if you didn't go anywhere, it's hard to motivate yourself out of bed that first morning back in the real world, and it's twice as bad if you went somewhere sunny and tropical.

So you kind of have to ease back into the routine. You can't just go from Hawaiian-shirt wearing drunken buffoon to buttoned shirt-wearing office drone overnight. It's impossible. So you do little things--like wearing topsiders, so that you don't have to put on socks for another day. Or you still wear a Hawaiian print polo shirt, but at least it's tucked in while at the office. Maybe you keep your sunglasses on your head all day, giving off that I've still got one foot in the ocean vibe.

Whatever you do, I know it's hard to go back and face that pile of paperwork that was growing on your desk the entire time you were gone.

So my gift to you, dear readers, now that Cruise Week is over, is a few pictures I've collected that you can look at and daydream about when nobody's looking. Your body might be confined to a cube, a desk, and a computer monitor, but your mind can be anywhere else you want it to be.

Remember, clicky for full-sized goodness!








Mikey

Random Thoughts on a Sunday Night

Ok, so I busted out of the buffoonathon over on Poker Stars in ninth place, not even close to the money. But while I was folding my crappy cards, I let my mind wander a bit, and had the foresight to write it down.

And do you know who benefits from this? You--my loyal readers! So here we go, the random musings of my totally sober mind...


1) I think the UPS whiteboard guy is a pretentious turd who sits around in his spare time writing his own The way I see it quotes for Starbucks cups.

2) If a couple of preppie guys with sweaters tied around their shoulders are grilling ostrich burgers at a tailgate party, do you really believe for one second that they'd bring a cooler full of Miller High Life with them?

3) I've always thought that global warming was a hoax used to push a social agenda, but if it's going to make all the Reese's melt, I'm willing to listen.

4) I know it'll probably lower my IQ about a dozen points, but I'd kinda like to see that new Max Payne movie. We all have guilty pleasures, like chocolate, trashy novels, or sniffing magic markers. I like Markie Mark movies.

5) How bad do you think Fox Sports is hoping for a Boston/LA World Series? That's why I'm rooting for Tampa. And I didn't know Tim McCarver's corpse was still alive.

6) I was stuck with only ONE early game to watch this morning--Bears at Falcons. What's up with that? I thought it would suck, but damn, what a great game!

7) I noticed that the lady with two faces on the Southwest commercial also has two sets of boobs. I bet she'd be fun to slow dance with.

8) I wonder if OJ will be able to pick up a few extra bucks over the next several years by autographing the license plates he makes.

9) If chicken-fried bacon is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

10) You know it's been far too long since your last meal if a scented candle makes your stomach growl.

11) At what point are you officially too old to wear your cap backwards? How old is Tony Romo?

12) Holy shiat--The Rams actually won today! On the road! Excuse me while I peek out the window to see if the four horsemen are saddling up. If the Apocalypse doesn't happen tonight, I'm proudly wearing my Rams fleece jacket to work all week.

13) I'm really digging Daniel Craig as the new James Bond. Roger Moore was totally ghey, and nobody's afraid of Pierce Brosnan.

14) Do that many people really drink Miller Lite? Every time I have a sip of it, I think to myself Damn, that horse needs to get it's kidneys checked.

15) Jack Bauer is coming back. Oh hell yeah. Time to feel good about killin' some bad guys.

16) Online poker account, Ameritrade account, Intrade account, savings account, 401k account. So far this year, only the poker account has made any money for me.

17) The crust on this Metro Pizza is better than I remember.

18) Trade of the day -- Short Obama '08 contracts at 79.30 per. Money, baby! I figure if I lose that one, cash flow will be the least of my problems.

19) Is there anything more entertaining that seeing somebody beat Phil Helmuth with an inferior hand? Man, what an asshat.

20) I'm beginning to think that everything tastes better when you add either vanilla, cinnamon, coconut, or bacon.

21) Whatever happened to Vinnie on American Chopper after he quit? I figured he'd get his own show or something.

22) That Around the Bend song on the new iPod Touch commercials is quite catchy. It makes me want to roller skate and blow bubbles.

23) I think I've discovered the ultimate combination of pleasure and pain--Getting a paper cut from a pizza box.

24) I've always had a hard time believing that a couple of the sounds that Elton John really likes are the sounds of a switchblade and a motorbike.

25) So now they've got Cialis for daily use. I believe they're test marketing it under the name "Eighth Grade".

26) In about sixty years, all the grannies at the nursing home are gonna have tramp stamps on their backs. That's gonna be weird.


Mikey

My Favorite Season

When I woke up this morning, it was 49 degrees outside--by far the coldest it's been in months! The summer fever has finally broken, and we're getting into the best part of the year, as far as I'm concerned.

I've always preferred autumn. It's football season, of course, and while that is a great thing all by itself, well, it's not the only thing. It's nice to finally get a break from the oppressive heat of the desert. Some people think that spring is the season of renewal, but I disagree. I spent about 20 years of my life going 'back to school', so fall, to me, is the season where the slate is wiped clean.

Autumn is when you get a new set of clothes, a backpack full of new school supplies, and kinda like optimistic Cubs fans in April, this is the year you finally make straight A's. You meet new friends, get new teachers, and start all over again.

Away from the classroom, autumn is the season of apple cider, haunted houses, pumpkin pie, hayrides, family gatherings, crisp air, wood smoke, flannel sheets, chili, the fireplace, tailgating, homecoming, finally shutting off the air conditioner, harvest moons, pumpkin carving, walks in the woods, and best of all, it's the start of the holiday season. The stretch from Halloween-Thanksgiving-Christmas-New Years is the best two months of the year if you as ask me.



Of course, the blessing of living in the southwestern desert comes with sacrifices. We don't really have four seasons out here. Yeah, it gets a little cooler out here, but our mountains aren't covered in stands of golden aspens and cottonwood trees like our neighbors to the north. Back in the days before the casinos owned my ass, I'd occasionally make it back to Tennessee around this time of year to visit with the family. Flying in, my face would be glued to the window on the plane, just taking in all of the unfamiliar sights of hills covered with trees, all ablaze with fall colors. It's almost overwhelming to somebody who only sees the monochromatic browns of the desert landscape day in and day out.

Autumn is the time I miss Tennessee. We don't do hayrides in Nevada. There are no cornfield mazes, and I don't see farmers on the side of the road selling pumpkins out of the back of their pickup trucks. And there aren't enough trees out here to alter the scenery if the leaves ever get around to changing colors before they fall off.

Several years ago I saw the most picture perfect scene back in Tennessee--I wish I would've had my camera with me, but at least I've got the picture burned into my memory. Those of you familiar with the area around Franklin would know where Hillsboro Road is. Well, just out of town, where it starts to get a little more rural, you come around a bend in the road and you'll see a huge red barn sitting in the middle of a field, and hanging from the hayloft is a giant American flag. Just a few hundred yards beyond the barn, the hills are completely covered in trees, and in the fall, it looks like a Norman Rockwell painting come to life. I was driving my sister's Corvette around with my brother-in-law David that day--we were out just driving fast on the back roads outside of town--and I came around the bend and had to hit the brakes just a few yards up the road from that barn because a small herd of deer decided to cross the road right there in front of us.

It was an amazing sight. If I would've had a camera with me, I'm sure that picture would've been every bit as famous by now as the Marines raising the flag on Iwo Jima, or that one of the girl in Afghanistan with the amazing eyes, and I'd have a Pulitzer prize for photography. Yep, it was that kind of scene. An amazing portrait of an autumn afternoon in rural Tennessee. In my mind, that's what I think of when people talk about a perfect fall day.

But I won't be enjoying that kind of scene around here anytime soon. There aren't many barns in Las Vegas, palm trees don't change colors, and Sunrise Mountain is covered in nothing but rocks. But it's a cool crisp fall day outside, and I'm curled up in bed with a cup of coffee and a good book, and I've got my apple spice scented candle providing the atmosphere.

And word on the street is that Starbucks has brought back their pumpkin lattes, too. Bring on the holidays!

Mikey

Random Thoughts on a Saturday Night

I'm quite familiar with all of the seven deadlies, and I'm pretty sure that Lust and Gluttony are my favorites, but today was all about Sloth.

Oh hell yeah.

I was almost sure that I'd be called in to work today, but the phone never rang. So I slept in late. And then when I finally motivated myself to do something, all I did was roll over and hit the button on the coffeemaker, which sits on top of the mini-fridge that sits right next to my bed. Since the fridge is right there, I don't have to get up to get my coconut-flavored creamer, either. And I have two coffee cups sitting next to the coffee maker, too (because you never know when you're gonna have company), so everything I need is right on hand.

Once the coffee finished brewing, I remained in bed drinking the entire pot while I watched college football all morning long. Oh, and before you ask, I had some stellar picks again, like Vanderbilt, Illinois, Northwestern, Kentucky, and Mizzou. All of them lost.

Apparently, I really suck at picking college football games. Ace Rothstein's throne isn't going to be challenged by me anytime soon.

Anyhow, as lazy as my day began, I actually did a few productive things today. I got lots of laundry done. I scrubbed the bathroom. I straightened up my closet and my desk. And I got a bit of reading done, too. But the siren song of the boob tube couldn't keep me away, so I found myself enjoying the Tennessee/Georgia game while trying to avoid seeing the beatdown USC was putting on my pathetic Sun Devils.

In addition to all of the bad news on the college ball scene, I had to face the music in another area today, too. I dug out my quarterly 401k statement that I got back in July. At the time, I just put it in the drawer without looking at it, just because it wasn't a priority. But my next statement comes out this week, and it'll be interesting to compare the two.

In the interest of full disclosure, I'll tell you that I've got 12% of my money in cash, and 88% of it in growth stocks. Unfortunately, they've been growing in the wrong direction all year long, and back in July, my one year rate of return was -10.94% .

Ouch.

And it's gonna be waaaaaay worse this quarter. I'm looking at losses approaching 25-30% for the year. (Update--I cheated. I went online and looked, and right now, YTD, my account value is down about 18%)

But you know what? It's no big deal.

Yep. That's right. I said it. It ain't no thang.

Here's my mini-rant. So many people are, for lack of a better term, completely ignorant about finance and economics. They seriously have no clue. I couldn't even begin to count the number of people I've heard in the past week talking about how they're liquidating everything and getting out of the market until it turns around. Or they're not contributing to their 401k again until next year.

Morons.

First of all, people seem to equate the stock market with the economy. They are not the same, people! The Dow Jones Industrial Average is just an index of 30 common stocks. Yep, thirty stocks, that's it. Now, it's certainly an indicator of the economic mood of the country, a gauge, but it is not The Economy. But all of those companies are still making money, and the dividends are still getting paid, and while it's true things have slowed down a bit, the sky is definitely not falling.

The market sucks, that is true. But the economy is fundamentally sound. People are still going to work every day, producing more goods and services that almost the rest of the world combined. I've been out and about all week long, and in the gloomiest market period in a very long time, there are still lines at the restaurants in town, the casinos are still hopping, and the lights are still on. Just because the economy is growing slower than we'd like, it's still growing!

The old guys that come in and play poker every morning--half of which are true blue lefty socialists--wail about how bad the economy is, yet they're still there spending all of their money at the casino for hours on end every day. My game is full after 8:00 am every day. I did a full eight hours on Friday, and almost had to do overtime. But the economy is bad, according to everyone who is out spending their money the same way they were a few weeks ago when the economy wasn't bad. My favorite illustration of this was just the other day a couple of the old guys were saying, Oh yeah, the economy is in the shitter, people aren't playing anymore--Hank hasn't been here in two months! About a half hour later, like it was on cue, Hank showed up and sat down at the table. One of the old fellers asked him where he'd been and his answer was priceless.

I've been swamped at the shop. I've got more projects than I can handle!

Heh.

I know that the plural of anecdote is not data, but to anybody who says the economy is going bust, I say bullshiat. I've noticed that people just like to repeat what they've heard on TV or the radio. Don't think so? Watch ESPN all weekend, and then talk sports with a group of people on Monday morning. You'll hear the same stuff you heard all weekend, almost verbatim. Why? Because people are social animals and want to participate in the conversation, and they want to sound like they have an informed opinion. But if you've only got one source, and don't do your own 'due diligence', then you may sound informed, but actually, you're just as ignorant as you always were.

And speaking of the current crisis, I, for one, refuse to believe that the credit markets have dried up if somebody like me, with my sub-650 credit score, is still getting weekly offers for credit cards, lines of credit, and new car financing.

Anyhow, before I go off on too many tangents, I'll bring it back to my point. All these trillions of dollars lost in the stock market are mostly paper losses. As I always used to say, it ain't a loss until you take it. Guess what, all that negative movement in your 401k--you've still got the same number of shares, they're just worth less than they were last year. So what? If you're like me, well, I won't be cashing them for another 20+ years. My outlook is simply that stocks are on sale right now.

Another thing--all those shares that people are dumping and selling off? Somebody is buying them. And those somebodies are gonna be dirty rotten filthy stinking rich when the market turns around. And it always does. Although you can't predict when it will turn around like you can predict what time the sun will rise, you absolutely can say that it will eventually rise. So why not take advantage of the buying opportunity when it presents itself?

So I've already contacted the plan administrator for my retirement fund and upped my contribution rate from 5% to 12%, but I'm thinking of going as high as 20% by the end of the year. We'll see how it goes. I also reallocated my account so that the 12% 15% that I have in cash gets used first thing on Monday morning to buy up all the shares of the S&P 500 fund I can afford, and I changed all of my future contributions so that everything I put in goes into that same fund, also.

I am truly putting my money where my mouth is, because when the market comes back to where it was just a year ago, I'm looking at about 30% return. I've got time.

At least I hope this works out better than my football picks, because I'm ridin' this baby all the way down!


Anyhow, enough about that. I'm just tired of listening to people who don't know what they're talking about. My advice to you, dear readers, is that if you're less than 40 years old, it's time to go Blackjack in your retirement accounts and double down. Getting out of the market is the absolute last thing you should do.

So what else is new in the life of Mikey? Well, cruise week took up a boatload of my free time. On Wednesday, when I wrote that sea day post and then followed it up with the 20 questions post, all that writing took over seven hours to do. Hey, once I get going, I let 'er rip. Sometimes I can't stop. So I appreciate the indulgence y'all show me when I've got nuthin' for a few days in a row. But I remember calling Lars on Wednesday afternoon around four or five, and seeing if he could get away for dinner. It was, and I shiat you not, FREE PIZZA DAY at Grimaldi's! It was their one-year anniversary, and VIPs like me got an invite to come down and grub on free pizza and beer all day long. Well, Lars couldn't get away, he had some family coming to town, so I decided I'd just go later, once I made my sea day update. But like I said, once I started writing, answering questions, and organizing pictures, I just couldn't stop. When I realized, sometime around midnight, that I'd missed out on the anniversary party at Grimaldi's, well, I was quite bummed out.

Talk about your missed opportunities... That was almost as bad as missing out on the Bad Beat Jackpot last two weeks ago. Maybe worse. There will be other jackpots, but there may never be another free pizza day at Grimaldi's.

On Tuesday I got to experience a little bit of Vegas. Drew was still in town and he called me up with free tickets to go see Blue Man Group down at the Venetian. I had nothing going on, so I agreed to go.

When we walked into the theatre and gave the usher our tickets, he told us that it was our lucky day--we were getting upgraded. To the very front row! Yep, right smack in the middle of downtown plastic ponchoville. I don't know what we did to deserve it, but there was no way I was going to put on a big plastic body-condom and sit there sweating my ass off. So I just held it in front of me for the entire show.

The show was, shall we say, interesting. Maybe I was expecting more, but the first 45 minutes or so just dragged ass. It was boring as hell. Ok, so I get it, you do a sight gag and then stare at each other wide-eyed for thirty seconds or more. Yeah, that works once, but once was enough. Otherwise there was just a lot of uncomfortable silence while the audience waited for something funny or entertaining to happen. I almost yelled out "DO SOMETHING!" from the front row while they were just sitting there staring at each other trying to be funny with silent facial expressions. Very lame. For awhile there, I thought they should rename the act to the Blue Mime Group.

But after an hour, it picked up a bit, and when they had the entire band going with the strobe lights and whatnot, that was kind of fun. And that whole thing where they drop toilet paper on the audience, well, it all gets pushed up to the front, and I swear at one point I was buried under six feet of asswipe. Yes, it was over my head. It was so thick and so deep that I couldn't see Drew, and he was less than a foot away from me! We were completely covered during the last ten minutes of the show, and trying to root our way out of it was akin to trying to dig ourselves out of an avalanche.

As far as the show goes, we both agreed that we would've been extremely pissed if we'd paid the $90+ face value for the tickets, and even if I got free tickets again, I wouldn't go. I just really didn't enjoy it that much. Some of the stuff was pretty cool, but I guess my expectations were too high. I kept waiting for a payoff that never came. Honestly, I probably would've enjoyed a bunch of drag queens playing classic rock cover tunes on the bagpipes more than I enjoyed the Blue Man Group.

Overall, I give it a thumbs down. Save your money. And the ponchos? A lot of hype. We were about as close as you could possibly get to the performance, and I didn't get hit with a drop of paint. The only thing that came close is when one of the guys spit out a mouth full of marshmallows. I was expecting something good and messy like Gallagher's Sledge-o-Matic bit, but all we got was a bunch of guys beating on upside down garbage cans while they poured paint on them.

Woot.

After the show, however, the evening picked up considerably because we had dinner over at on of my favorite spots--the Grand Lux Cafe. Believe it or not, but I didn't get my usual Asian Nachos this time. The basket of bread they served first took the edge off the hunger, so I went with something I've wanted to eat for three years or so.

Back during March Madness of 2005, a whole bunch of us went there for dinner one night, and we ended up getting about five different appetizers to start the meal with. Well, between that and the bread, by the time the entrees arrived, I think I ate about three bites and gave up--I was full. I found out later why I had no appetite--I was about as sick as I'd ever been that week, but the symptoms didn't manifest themselves for another 24 hours or so.

Anyhow, that night I ordered something called 'Sunday Night Pasta', and it was really good. It was basically a huge tray of spaghetti made with steak, short ribs, mushrooms, cheese, and other assorted veggies.

So that's what I ordered this time around, and I still ended up taking half of it home with me and eating it for lunch the next day. It was damn good, and even better as leftovers.

Other than that, not much else has been going on. I'm on call this whole weekend, but I'd love to pick up another shift. Dougie's coming to town in two weeks for a three-day poker tournament bender, and I need to put together a bankroll. We're gonna do a couple of those Binion's Poker Open tourneys that I did back in May and June, so hopefully I'll have the same luck this time around. I'm sure there will be some side action on who lasts longer, but other than that, I just hope we both do well and have lots of fun. I think we'll be staying down at the Nugget that weekend, so I'm hoping the weather hasn't cooled off too much because it would be nice to be able to use the pool and swim alongside the shark tank during our off-time.

That's about it from here. And now that I've done all this writing, I think I'm just gonna sloth-out here for the rest of the evening watching SportsCenter with my beer and my bacon salt-seasoned popcorn.

Life is good.

Mikey

Cruise Week: Coming Home

One can't stay on vacation forever, which is too bad. Eventually the cruise ends, the vacation time is spent, and it's back to the real world. But the great thing about taking a cruise is that when it's over, you are very relaxed, probably as much as you've ever been. A small dose of 'island time' will do that to you. Stress? What's that? It's all gone.

So after a week of sunshine, salt air, umbrella drinks, and total relaxation, it's time to head back to your home port, wherever that may be.

The last night at sea is always kind of mellow. I'm kind of sad that the trip is ending, but then again, by then I'm looking forward to sleeping in my own bed and working my way through all that duty-free booze. Plus, by that time, I'm usually down to the end of my clean laundry, signaling the official end of the trip.

Debarkation day is the suckiest part of the cruise. You get up early with nothing to look forward to. No more beautiful sunrises at sea. No more coffee on deck first thing in the morning, no more lounging by the pool checking out all the bikinis from behind the anonymity of dark sunglasses, and no more interesting dinner conversations with a group of new friends who just seven short days before you never knew existed.

Instead, you get up, shower, get dressed, and hope that you remembered to keep a belt, clean underwear, and comfy shoes out of your checked baggage that was picked up the night before.

Then there's a somber breakfast in the dining room, and the balance of the morning is spent lounging around in the public areas, waiting for the P.A. system to announce your deck color so you can finally be on your way. The best part of that is listening to the Purser's Desk announcements as they go all collection-agency on people who haven't yet settled their Sail & Sign accounts.

Yeah, don't even think about trying to ditch your bill. You will be publicly humiliated.

Finally the anticipated--yet dreaded--announcement comes and you're free to leave the ship for the last time. Once you exit the gangway, it's off to the baggage claim warehouse to find your luggage amongst about 5000 other suitcases. It's then that you realize that 99% of people in the world also have black luggage.

Once you find your stuff, it's time to run the US Customs gauntlet. I'm always sweating that part, because I'm usually about ten bottles of booze above the legal limit, and I've heard they take a dim view of the several boxes of Cuban cigars I've got stashed between four or five different suitcases, my sisters unwittingly enlisted as my drug mules.

But we don't look like we're up to any nefarious misdeeds, and our declaration forms are always in order, so we've always gotten waved through with hardly a second look.

Then it's off to the airport, and I can tell you, the mood in the limo this time around is certainly more subdued than it was just a week earlier. Once we get through check-in and security, it's time to play the waiting game before flying back to the real world.



I'm sure that after this next cruise, I'll fly back to Nashville with the family, and spend the night there, reliving the adventures of the previous week, cementing the experiences forever in my memory bank.

Who knows, we may even find our way to the Pancake Pantry or Monell's for breakfast that next morning--two of my favorite places to get my brunch grub on.



But as much as I'd love to linger in Nashville for a few days, reality dictates that I get back to Vegas and get back to work as soon as possible. (After breakfast, of course) But the cool thing about that is I'll be on a plane full of people heading off on their own vacation adventures. They'll all be amped up and ready to get their Vegas on, and I'll be the only guy peacefully snoozing away for the entire four-hour flight, my outlook 180 degrees different than everyone else on the flight.

But then, after a week of seeing all the sights I love, topping off the lifeblood tanks of my Caribbean Soul, with the people that mean the most to me, I'll find myself back where I belong. My second-favorite place on earth.


Mikey

Cruise Week: The Bahamas

They say it's better in The Bahamas, and I think they may be right. After spending the week motoring around the western Caribbean, we have to start thinking about getting back to reality and the real world. But not quite yet. How's about we stop in Nassau for the day before going home?

I've been there a couple of times--maybe three--but at this late hour I can't quite remember. But the bottom line is that The Bahamas are a great stop at the beginning or end of any cruise if your embarkation port is in Florida. Yeah, they've got the same duty-free shopping available, with locals trying their darndest to sell you stuff, but there is an island charm that's just a bit different from everywhere else in the Caribbean. The Bahamas have been playing the tourist game ever since the golden age of piracy, and they've become quite good at it.

Most cruise ships stop in Nassau, which is just a hop, skip, and a jump to Paradise Island, home to some really nice beaches, but more importantly, the Atlantis Resort & Casino.

Now, if one is so inclined, they can spend the whole day hanging out at the resort, using their beaches and facilities, gambling in the casino, and playing in their waterpark. That would be cool, because everything there must be seen to be believed. But I've got better casinos in my hometown, and if I want to take a water slide through a shark tank, well, the Golden Nugget is just 20 minutes from my front door.

So instead of hanging out at Atlantis, I'd prefer to hop a boat out to one of the most beautiful and relaxing places I've ever been--Blue Lagoon Island.


I remember the first time I was there, and I was just mesmerized by the color of the water. It was clear, but it was also the most amazing neon green/blue I've ever seen. It was was so bright that it almost looked fake--I couldn't believe that colors like that actually existed in nature. This was in the days before digital cameras, so the only pictures I have that do it justice are prints, and I'm not quite sure exactly where they are, so I can't scan them and load them up right now. But take my word for it--you will never see color like that anywhere else.



What makes it even better than being a treat for the eyes is the temperature of the water. It's just a shade south of tepid bathwater, so on a hot day it feels cool, but you don't get chilled at all--you can swim all day long and you end up not wanting to get out of the ocean. Most people that go out there just hang out at the stingray enclosure, doing their best to avoid being stabbed in the chest, or they go to the dolphin encounter facility there where folks can jump in and swim with Flipper and the gang.

But I'm not really into that so much. Dolphins are awesome, but I prefer seeing them in the wild, like I do every time I sail out to Catalina. So I don't participate in that activity. However, at Blue Lagoon Island, interestingly enough, they have an awesome lagoon right up front that is straight out of a post card or travel poster. It's warm, clear, and the setting is unbelievable. But again, I skip that too.

The island is covered in mostly palm trees, with a bunch of low-lying shrubbery scattered about to give it a wild look. But the ground is all soft white sand, and you can damn near walk the entire length of the island barefoot if you want to. And what makes it so cool is that on the backside of the island, there is a trail that winds along through the palm trees beside the water, with a couple of secluded coves here and there where few people visit. I spent a very enjoyable afternoon back there one day, taking part in a re-enactment of that scene in From Here to Eternity (you know the one I'm talking about), and I swear at the time, I couldn't have imagined a more perfect day, or a more perfect place.

But once you decide to come back to the 'civilized' end of the island by the lagoon, it's got everything you need to feed that tropical island fantasy we all have. There are double-sized rope hammocks strung between the trees, perfect for lounging in the shade with that special someone. There are picnic tables, a bar, and a snack bar where they grill burgers and such. And of course there is a small stage, usually featuring a Calypso band, and dancing barefoot in the sand is highly encouraged.

It's quite the place, and if money were no object, I'd buy that island and keep it for myself. It is exactly what comes to mind when you think of a romantic tropical paradise. When you're lying there in that hammock, smelling the seductive combination of salt air and coconut, sipping on a cold frothy rum drink, feeling the ocean breeze, and listening to the lilting music of a steel drum band in the distance, it's the kind of place that makes you want to quit your job, sell your stuff, and move down to the Caribbean forever.

It's the ultimate battery recharger, especially if you're wired like me.

Mikey

20 Questions, Cruise Week Style

Wow, this Cruise Week thing seems to be more popular than Cole Slaw Week ever was, so I'm just running with it. It's generated tons of traffic, three hits to the tip jar, and a boatload (pardon the pun) of email.

Most of that email is from folks who've never been on a cruise before, so I've been getting lots of questions. Instead of answering them all individually, I figured that since I now have a nice round number of them, I'd make a post of it instead. Here we go, in no particular order:


1) Which cruise lines do you prefer and why? I've only cruised on Carnival and Royal Caribbean so far. I give an edge to Royal Caribbean though. I like their ships better, the food is slightly better, and there's just that subjective intangible something that makes me prefer them. The cabins on Carnival are slightly larger, and I've always had a great time aboard Carnival ships, but I think I prefer the overall experience of Royal Caribbean. It's hard to say exactly why, though. Maybe because I think that RC is slightly classier than Carnival. I'm pretty sure that our next cruise, however, will be on a Carnival ship.

2) Where are the best cabins? Wow, talk about subjective, that's a tough question. Well, to tell you the truth, I've never been anywhere near the best cabins. I can't afford that neighborhood. I'm usually holed up down on the Immigrant Deck in an inside cabin across from the un-deloused Irishmen. Just kidding. Me? I prefer to be someplace close to the elevator at the same end of the ship as the cafe. On Royal Caribbean, that's mostly up front. On Carnival, that's mostly aft. It's just easier to get my coffee in the morning that way. Of course, I could call room service, but the ladies are usually still sleeping. If you're prone to seasickness, it's better to be near the center of the ship, as close to the center of gravity as possible, to alleviate most of the motion. And higher up is better. If you're down low, you'll be awakened every morning by the bow and stern thrusters as they maneuver the ship into port.

3) What is 'duty-free' booze? It's liquor that doesn't have any import/export taxes, excise taxes, or sales taxes attached to the price. In other words, it's dirt cheap. Every time I think of paying just $5 for a bottle of Captain Morgan, I get a faraway look in my eyes. But it's not just booze that's duty free--cigarettes are dirt cheap too, as is jewelry and perfume, too. In fact, one time I got me a very cool Citizen watch down in St. Thomas for just $60, but the exact same one back in Nashville was over $200 at the jewelry store near my office. Best watch I've ever owned, but I lost in on New Years Eve a few years ago. I'm gonna buy another one next time I get down there.

4) You said that Cozumel was your favorite port of call. Any others? Any ports you don't like? Well, besides Cozumel, I really love St. Thomas and St. Martin. I swear, I could live pretty well in St Martin if I ever have to go witness protection or something. I think my least favorite spot I've visited so far would be Grand Cayman. Overpriced, overhyped, crowded, and trading on it's name instead of offering anything unique. Now, before you get the wrong idea, choosing my least favorite Caribbean island is a lot like picking my least favorite Playboy bunny. It may not be my favorite, but damn, it'll sure do in a pinch. A lot of people don't particularly care for San Juan Puerto Rico, but I liked it a lot. But I bet if you polled a bunch of cruisers, asking for their least favorite ports, they'd either say Belize or Progreso, Mexico.

5) You said that you didn't like buffets and would rather eat in the dining room. I thought the dining room was all you can eat. What's the difference? Well, the dining room is technically 'all you can eat', but you have a wait staff and you order from a set menu. The cafe is a buffet for all three meals where you serve yourself like at a traditional buffet. Here is a typical dinner menu for the dining room on a Carnival cruise, and here is a dessert menu. And they change daily. But if you're so inclined, you can try as many appetizers, entrees, and desserts as you want. If you find you really like something, they'll be happy to bring you another serving. For whatever reason, I've never had good lobster on a cruise ship, although most everything else is very good to excellent.

6) Assuming I don't spend $700 on booze or gambling, how much spending money can I get away with for a week? Well, that depends. If you don't pay for shore excursions or photos, then it can be pretty cheap. With just a few souvenirs here and there and not much shopping while onshore, you could easily go all week without spending $250. But me, I like to go a little crazy when I'm on vacation, so a large bar tab and a few hundy worth of Cuban cigars stashed in my luggage is well within my planned budget.

7) Clearly, you love going on cruises. But there has to be some downside. What are the 'cons' of cruising that nobody talks about? Well, the lifeboat drill on embarkation day sucks like crap on a stick. It's hot as hell, humid, and it's a complete pain in the ass, especially if you're on a lower deck and have to hike your ass up ten flights of steps (they shut off the elevators for the drill) while wearing that ridiculous life jacket. We've learned not to go as soon as they announce the drill, but to wait until the absolute last possible minute when your room steward finds you hiding out in your room. Then, it's over in less than five minutes. Also, I don't much care for all of the ways the cruise lines try to sell you stuff once you're onboard. You can't get a massage without a sales pitch for some overpriced products. Or a haircut. All of their 'recommended' merchants on shore have a cruise-line markup. And I get tired of having my picture taken twenty times a day, too. But the absolute worst thing is the cruise director's constant announcements on the PA system. I swear, they all love the sound of their own voice. Oh, and European guys wearing Speedos. Seriously, what the f*ck? Nobody wants to see that.


8) How are the casinos on the ships? Is it like an entire deck? If you're used to Vegas, you might be disappointed. Usually, there's just one craps table and one roulette wheel. Maybe four or five blackjack tables and several dozen slot machines. And no, it's not an entire deck. The casino on a cruise ship is maybe two or three thousand square feet, not very big at all--about the same size as a tract home. But the casinos on Royal Caribbean are definitely much nicer than the ones on Carnival. And no free drinks, either, except with a few notable exceptions.

9) You never mention topless sunbathing on cruise ships. Is it allowed or is just a European thing? It's allowed, but only on the very top-most Sun Deck or Sports Deck. I went up once to check it out, and turned around and went back down about thirty seconds later. It was a bunch of large foreign women who you don't wanna see anyways, and one of my sisters. Never went back.

10) Do they have poker tables in the casino? They didn't on any of the cruises I've been on, but then again, I haven't been since 2004, right when the poker boom started. However, in 2003 when my sister Nancy got married and there were about 30 of us, I brought along my own set of poker chips and we played in the card room a few times. Won't do that again--those things weigh a ton. Word around the campfire is that they now have those electronic poker tables like they have at the Excalibur, but one of the guys I talked to said that they took up to a $20 rake on the cruise he took earlier this summer. F*ck that shiat. I'd never play that!

11) I heard you can't bring booze on board, but then other people said you can. Which is it? Well, you're not supposed to bring liquor on board, only wine. But then they'll charge you a corkage fee in the dining room anyways. But I've managed to sneak a bottle of rum in my checked luggage to keep in the cabin to mix with Coke. If it's in your carry-on luggage when you embark, they'll confiscate it. Also, all that duty-free booze I buy onshore--they take that from you when you get back on the boat, and they hold it all week, delivering it back to your stateroom the last night of the cruise. They want you to pay their prices for booze. As far as the wine goes, I don't think it's worth the hassle to bring my own, so I'll just pay for what I want onboard. But one of my sisters insists on bringing her own every time. To me, it's just a pain in the ass.

12) What do I pack versus a normal vacation? Any cruise-specific clothes I should have? What's the old cliche? Bring half as many clothes and twice as much money as you think you'll need... Actually, that's kind of true. I remember on our first cruise, we all waaaaaay overpacked. I think my sister Sherry actually brought 18 pairs of shoes. Hell, I even packed two pairs of jeans that I didn't wear once. And I'm surprised and how few socks I went through. Of course I went through seven pairs of dark socks, dressing for dinner, but I didn't use one pair of athletic socks all week, nor did I ever wear my tennis shoes. All I wore was sandals or topsiders during the day, otherwise I went barefoot. So I never pack tennis shoes or jeans. But I took three pairs of swimming trunks, lots of underwear and t-shirts, several polo shirts, cargo shorts, and two pairs of Dockers. And of course, I pack a tuxedo for formal nights. If I ever go to Belize again, I'm bringing a big damn floppy hat, too.

13) Are cruise ships like casinos when it comes to smoking? I mean, they're offshore, not subject to state law, right? Well, it's true they're not subject to state law, but since they operate in US ports and territorial waters, they have to comply with all US Coast Guard safety regulations. So you can't smoke just anywhere--not in most public areas at all except the bars and casino, and never in the dining room or restaurants. And a lot of cruise ships only allow smoking one one side of the deck, even when outdoors. The first ship I ever cruised on was the Carnival Paradise, and at the time, it was completely non-smoking. No cigarettes or tobacco of any kind was even allowed on board. You even had to sign a waiver saying that if they found you with cigarettes, tobacco, cigars, or even a lighter, they would put you off at the next port, and then you were on your own. I don't think that's their policy anymore, though.

14) What's that extra-fee dining you mentioned? I thought all the food was free. A lot of ships are going upscale now, and offering supper-club alternatives for an additional fee (usually around $25 each). Usually it's a steakhouse and also nicer Italian restaurant too. It's definitely worth doing once or twice, but not something to do every night. Also, while almost all the food on board is free, some ships have stuff like sushi bars, Starbucks, or Ben & Jerry's outlets where you can get some high-end grub for a modest fee, I mean, not even retail. I got a serving of yellowtail sashimi for like five bucks, and the ice cream was like a buck. I believe there are some Johnnie Rockets hamburger stands on some Royal Caribbean ships now, and they charge around five bucks for a full-on meal. But everything else is still free--the pizza joint, the burger grill, the buffets, the dining room, room service, etc. And I love love love the cheese pizza they have on Carnival ships. Great crust!

15) So, uh, how easy is it to hook-up on a cruise? It's a lot easier than you'd think. While most of the people on cruises go as couples, the single folk always seem to find each other. I met a gal on my first cruise, and we stayed in contact for months afterwards, even planning a trip to Hawaii together. But it fizzled, of course. There have been a couple of other brief shipboard romances interludes, but I'll spare the details because my mom and sisters read this... But to answer your question, yeah, if you're lookin' for love, you'll probably find it. There's something about that salt air and those starry nights...

16) Have you ever dined at the Captain's table, like on Love Boat? Hell, I've never even seen the Captain's table. But since most cruise ships have two dining rooms and two main seatings, well, I only had a 25% chance of spotting it. But I've never been one of the chosen ones. However, I have been invited a couple of times to cocktails with the captain before dinner, but it's not really exclusive--there must have been 300 other people there too, and all we did was wander through a reception line like at a wedding. But it gave me a chance to dress up, sip champagne, and act like an upper-crust gentleman for an hour or so.

17) Do people get seasick? Oh hell yeah they do. A few years back during Hurricane Ivan, we were out at the edge of it, and the boat was rolling like a sumbitch the first night or two. Even with the stabilizers, it was pretty rocky. It's never affected me much, but there are lots and lots of people all over the ship wearing those dramamine patches behind their left ears at the beginning of each week.

18) You mentioned a newsletter. What's that about? Can I get one before the cruise? I don't know about getting one before a cruise--don't think it would do much good. It's basically the daily ship's newspaper that they put in your cabin each night, outlining the next day's schedule of activities. It's usually about eight pages long, most of it is ads for trinkets and junk and "sales" they're having on board, but there is a lot of useful stuff on there--maps of the next day's port, a list of all the activities on board, arrival and departure times, stuff like that. I can't remember what the one on Royal Caribbean is called, but on Carnival, it's called the Carnival Capers.

19) Do they throw confetti when the boat leaves port? Uh, no, never seen that happen. Besides, there's nobody down on the dock to throw it to. And the hippies nowadays would just shiat. I saw a kid throw his life jacket over the side after the lifeboat drill, and they tossed him and his entire family off the boat, no refund. Dumbass.

20) Are the pools and hot tubs open 24 hours? Usually not--most of them are drained around 10pm and they throw a big net over the top of them to keep the drunks out. A lot of times, however, the hot tubs are open till midnight or later. On Royal Caribbean, I've been out in the 'adults only' hot tubs until pretty late at night. By the way, some ships have fresh water pools, but most cruise ships fill up their swimming pool with ocean water. But there are plenty of freshwater showers on deck to rinse off with afterwards.

21) Everything I know about cruise ships comes from reading your site and watching Titanic. Can you stand up front on the bow and do the King of the World thing? Nope, you can't even get close to the bow--the front part of the main deck is blocked off for crew access only--it's covered in mooring and anchoring equipment anyways, no place for tourists who would only hurt themselves. But if you wanna do the whole Titanic thing, there's nothing stopping you from hopping over the stern rail and bidding adieu to that endless parade of parties and cotillions, yachts and polo matches.

I think that about covers it.

Mikey

Sea Day!

Ahhhh... Cruise week at Hurricane Mikey's is rolling along pretty well, but every now and then you need to relax and not worry about getting on and off the boat, going on shore excursions, or duty-free shopping. Sometimes, lazy is good. Sometimes, a sea day is in order.

Today is a sea day on HurricaneMikey.com.

Usually, on sea days, I'm wide awake very early in the morning. Instead of lying in bed, I love to get up, grab a cup of coffee, and have some 'alone' time up on deck, watching the sun rise over the calm ocean.

It's a rare treat, one that is to be savored. And the interesting thing is, there may be 2500 passengers on the ship at any given time, but early in the morning on a sea day, there might be enough up on deck to count on one hand. It's amazing that you can find solitude like that, but it's true, you can. Occasionally, I'm treated to a private showing of dolphins, either swimming alongside the ship, or playing in the bow wave. That always puts me in a good mood, and it's easy to understand why generations of sailors thought they were a good omen.

Unfortunately, the magic doesn't last long. As the morning presses on and the sun gets higher off of the horizon, everyone else starts stirring and the deck gets more crowded, with joggers and sunbathers and such, so it's time to move on.

I like to finish off my coffee and then head down to the cafe for a buffet breakfast. Normally, I don't much care for buffets, but I'm ok with it for breakfast, especially on a cruise ship. And that early in the morning, there are no lines at all, so it's relatively painless to visit the carving stations or have an omelet made-to-order.


Usually, around the time I sit down to enjoy my breakfast, the girls show up and join me. Of course breakfast together is always fun, but then we usually hurry through it so that we can claim some prime upper deck real-estate for our morning sun worshiping. My sister Cyndi always has the beach bag handy, packed with stuff like sunscreen, digital cameras, hard candy, paperback books, etc.--all the stuff we need to hang out on deck for several hours, enjoying the sun and the breeze.


And we're not out there very long before the poolside wait staff comes around offering the special cocktail of the day. It's always some sort of fruit-ice-rum concoction in a special glass and usually a buck or so cheaper than the usual mixed drinks. We'll always try the special first, and if we like it, we'll stick with it. Otherwise, if it's kind of sucky (sometimes they are), we'll go back to pina coladas and dirty bananas for a few hours. This is where the cruise lines get into our wallets, because we generally keep the wait staff pretty damn busy. Sometimes I'll just order a bucket of ice-cold beers and wander around making new friends.

Soon enough, it starts to get hot, so I have to go and jump in the pool for awhile. Once I cool down, I like to go and sit in the hot tub, too.


I may have told this story before, but one time I was on a cruise, sitting in the hot tub all by myself when two bikini-clad sweet young things joined me, and I was feeling like life was about as good as it could possibly get. We were sitting in there talking a bit and just enjoying ourselves, when I said Hmmm, I wonder what the poor people are doing right now... Without missing a beat, one of the gals answered, We're sitting here in this hot tub with you!

Laughs all around.

You don't have to be rich to take a cruise, but maybe that's why I enjoy it so much--just like when you go to Vegas, you live just a little bit larger when you're there than when you're at home.

But as much as I love visiting tropical islands and Getting My Beach On, I love sea days just as much. Time slows down, and I don't have to worry about missing the boat because my sunburned ass is passed out under a palm tree somewhere, drunk on 151 and coconut water. Sea days are where the relaxation part of the vacation really starts to happen, and I'm sure I've embarrassed my sisters on several occasions with my snoring while asleep on a poolside chaise lounge.

Lest you think that there's nothing going on except drinking and sunbathing while at sea, let me tell you what else is happening... There's usually a steel-drum or Calypso band playing. They'll have a limbo contest, a belly-flop contest (which I won while on Rhapsody of the Seas several years ago!), a 'horse race' which is nothing like you imagine. Of course there's food--as soon as breakfast finishes up, they're grilling burgers and hot dogs up on deck, too. Inside, the casino is open, there are dance contests, art auctions, the duty-free shops are open, the card room and library are open for quieter pursuits, and for people so inclined, there are movies and lectures, too. Away from the pool, and depending on the ship, you can hit golf balls, shoot skeet, climb a rock wall, rollerblade, ice skate, play ping-pong, hit the water slide, or if you must, surf the internet.

I remember traveling to Miami for our first cruise, and my sister Amy and I shared our row on the plane with a nice senior citizen lady, and her husband sat across the aisle. She asked us what we were doing in Miami, and we told her that we were going on our first cruise. Her response cracked us up.

Oh you'll just love it! There's so much to do--like bingo, shuffleboard, and square dancing!

Amy and I just looked at each other like Oh good lord, this is gonna suck!, but luckily we were very wrong. We had the time of our lives.

Anyhow--once I've had my fill of pool time and sunbathing, I usually head inside for an hour of blackjack in the casino (they don't open the craps table until later in the evening). Amazingly enough, the gals always seem to find me just about the time I feel like I've had enough.

We'll head back to the room and instead of eating lunch in the dining room or in the cafe, we'll usually just take advantage of the free room service. Sometimes we'll get some sandwiches or whatnot, but most of the time, we just order a tray of cookies and a bunch of cartons of milk. And we just sit around for a couple of hours, shootin' the shiat and eating our cookies and milk. This is one of our traditions that started on our first cruise about ten years ago, and I think that's the point where we all became good friends. We've always been family, but I know this was a turning point--just hanging out together, getting to know each other again. That was the best part of the whole week, and it's spawned a million memories since then.

But the combination of sun, cookies, and laughter conspires to drain the energy from us, and the rest of the afternoon is spent napping on those ridiculously comfortable beds, the air conditioner cranked up as cold as it will go, the room completely engulfed in darkness, and all of us bundled up underneath our newly-purchased woven Mexican throw blankets.



I'm always the first one to wake up from nap-time, and having been raised in a house full of women, I know that if I want to use the bathroom facilities, I better get on it first. So I'll shower and shave, then get dressed in either the business casual dockers and camp shirt combination, or if it's a formal night, I'll put on my Tom Selleck tux. At that point, I get the hell out of the cabin, as the girls are showering, getting dressed, deciding on which shoes to wear, and doing their makeup and hair. Not a place any man with a lick of sense wants to be.

I'll always have a couple of cigars on hand, so I'll find my way up to one of the bars or lounges, or maybe even the casino for a couple of hours to have a martini or two and relax with a fine smoke. Usually I'll run into somebody I've met earlier in the cruise, so I usually don't have to smoke and drink alone. On most ships, there are bars and lounges on the Promenade deck, so I can find a seat next to a huge window and watch the ocean roll by as I indulge and relax.

By the time I finish off my cigar, it's time to head to the dining room for dinner. My gang always opts for a large table so that we can meet new people, and so far we've been lucky--we've only had a few weirdos show up and be clingy. (Here Sherry--let me get a picture of you and James! Heh.) Mostly, everyone has been very cool and are quite interesting dining companions.

I like having dinner in the dining room while on a cruise. Of course there are the extra-fee supper club options, which are nice on formal night, or some people are just cheap and want to eat in the buffet and not have to cough up the $75 in tips at the end of the week, but I'm not one of those people. I like having dinner served in courses by a wait staff that are head-and-shoulders above most restaurant experiences you find here in the States.

And the food is generally pretty good (as long as you avoid the overcooked, rubbery lobster), and their wine recommendations actually work pretty well. I enjoy the dining room experience immensely, and I always want to try something new while there. Hell, the first time I ever ate escargot, steak tartare, sea bass, and intentionally-cold soup were all in cruise-ship dining rooms. And I like the variety, too. If something doesn't taste good to you or isn't quite what you expected, they think nothing of taking it away immediately and replacing it with something more to your liking.

Anyhow, dinner in the cruise ship dining room is something you need to experience, because the food is better than you'd expect, the service is wonderful, the company and conversation is always good, and it's more fun your usual restaurant visit.

We always opt for the late seating at dinner, just because we like to have more time to goof off in the afternoon, and we stay up late anyways. But the other reason is that during the late seating, there are hardly ever any kids in the dining room, especially when dinner is winding down at 10:30 at night. The value of that can't be overstated.

After dinner, there are plenty of activities to choose from--Karaoke, a comedian or magician or such in the showroom, movies, hot-tubbing, the casino, dancing, the piano bar, the champagne bar, sometimes there's a deck party, but most of the time I just go with the flow and just kind of end up where I end up. Sometimes I play craps, sometimes I hang out in a bar, holding court with my new friends, and one time I ended up in the solarium hot-tub with a gal I'd met the day before. As Phil Connors once said, That was a pretty good day...

Once a week, usually on a sea day, they'll have a midnight buffet, which must be seen to be believed. Of course, having finished off dinner less than two hours before, eating again is the very last thing anyone wants to do, but you can't help but stop by to see the cool ice carvings and such, and maybe sample a petit four or chocolate-dipped strawberry off of the dessert station.





By the time I've made my way through that line-up of amazing food creations, I'm good and ready for bed. By then, it's been about a 19-hour day, minus a little time for catnaps. Sunshine, booze, fresh air, rich food, and a whole lot of laughs will eventually catch up to you, and eventually it's time to stumble back to the cabin.

Waiting for us there, a cruise ship tradition. The cabin stewards attack your room again while you're at dinner, and besides leaving mints on the pillow and the daily newsletter on the dresser, they've decorated the room with towel animals. Some of them can be quite creative.




As tired as we are, we usually stay up a little while, talking about the past day, planning the next one, and checking the newsletter for any activities that may be of interest. But then, it's lights out for another day. Another perfect day. No bingo, shuffleboard, or square dancing required.

Mikey

Cruise Week: Costa Maya

Today's theme is Costa Maya, Mexico. As my friend Joe would say, ain't never been there, they tell me it's nice. The only reason I'm tossing it out here is because we'll be stopping there next year, and I'm looking forward to it.


The thing with Costa Maya is that it's the Mexican equivalent of that baseball diamond in the Iowa cornfield. If you build it, they will come. Costa Maya isn't really a town, an outpost, or even a fishing village. It's just a big old custom-built tourist stop, designed only to separate Americans from their money, out on the Yucatan Peninsula. Basically they carved a beach club and shopping center out of the jungle and then built a pier for the cruise ships. Ta-Daa!




So the idea here is to just pull over for the day and let everyone off the ship for some drinking, shopping, and relaxing. And I am all over that! Everyone knows that one of my favorite activities is sitting under a palm tree on the edge of the ocean, sipping a rum drink... I think I could find myself doing that very thing pretty easily. This is the kind of port stop that I really groove on, much more than overpriced, over-hyped places like Grand Cayman.


There are a few shore excursions offered, mostly snorkeling and exploring old Mayan ruins. None for me thanks. I may do a little shopping, if the prices on duty-free booze are decent. Otherwise, it's sandals, swim trunks, and flip-flops for me all day, while I roast in the sun and wait for the rasta-man with the machete to come by and lop off the end of a coconut and pour some rum inside for me.

I can think of no finer way to spend a day.

Mikey

Cruise Week: Belize

The theme for today is Belize--One of my favorite third-world countries. And I don't mean that in a snarky, insulting way. But the truth is, Belize is still pretty much behind the times and undeveloped, with lots of abject poverty and other minor social ills. But it has been blessed with some of the most awesome natural treasures in the world--beautiful beaches, amazing coral reefs, and an ecologically diverse jungle that teems with all kinds of creepy, crawly life.

However, like most of Central America, they've embraced political stability, so the place is far from being a banana republic that were so infamous just a couple of decades past in that neighborhood. On the other hand, there isn't much bringing dollars into the economy besides tourism.

But between the resorts, the fishing, and all of the cruise visitors, they're making the most of it. I've written at length about my last visit to Belize, and as I recall, it was the hottest place on earth as far as I was concerned. And that's from someone who's been living in the desert for the better part of the past 20 years.


Anyhow, the cruise we're looking at also stops in Belize, which is a-ok with me! There's just one problem with that. Because of the huge barrier reef that shields damn near the entire country, it makes for that awesome, almost unreal, blue water that you see in the above picture. But that's because it's got a shallow sandy bottom. Very shallow. Too shallow for cruise ships to get in close to dock. So what happens is that the ships anchor way offshore, and you have to ride the tender boats to and from land. And it's not like tendering in the Caymans where you're just a few hundred yards from the beach. In Belize, you're miles from shore, in deep water, so it's a royal pain in the ass to go to and from the ship.

So, is there like, a country around here somewhere?

Anyhow, once you get to land, it's well worth it. If you can ignore the Tijuana-like squalor of Belize City, and escape to one of the outlying cayes, then you've got all the tropical paradise you can handle. Palm trees, sunshine, cheap rum, beautiful clear water, friendly natives--basically all the ingredients of a perfect day.



Looking at the shore excursions that are available in Belize, nothing really strikes my fancy. Belize is relatively new to the cruising scene, so their tourist infrastructure isn't quite up to speed like most other places in the Caribbean. If you want to do anything in Belize, half of your time is spent just getting there. Tubing on a jungle river? How about a long tender ride to shore, an hour long bus ride, a 45-minute walk through the jungle, followed by an hour and a half in the water. Then do it all again, in reverse. Yep, for a 90 minute jungle cave-tubing trip, you're gone for seven hours. While it would be fun, you won't catch me wasting my whole day getting there and back. Even the Belikin brewery tour, an activity that's right up in my kitchen, requires a 45 minute bus ride once you make it to shore.

However, there are a few interesting snorkeling excursions that are available, along with a private island beach break that's not too far from the ship. If I were SCUBA certified, there are some fantastic dives available, but that's an expense not in the budget this year. So it looks like I'm leaning towards hopping on a sailboat and heading out to a remote island for a day of relaxation.


In fact, I may not even make it to the mainland while I'm there. I'd rather avoid the crowds and be someplace where the palm trees outnumber the humans. If, for some reason I *do* make it to the mainland, it'll be just long enough to grab a water taxi out to Caye Caulker where I can find a secluded beach club to hole up at all day, alternating between staring at the ocean and staring into my rum drink. It sure beats fighting the crowds at the trinket shops fighting over those stupid Belize It Or Not t-shirts, which are made in China anyways.

As beautiful as Belize is, it's the most difficult of all the stops on the itinerary. Luckily, it's in the middle of the trip, so the patience factor won't be as much of an issue. But you have to already be unwound before you get there, otherwise you're likely to hate it.

Mikey