Don't You Worry None, Little Camper--

I'll fix yer wagon...

See, there I was, in a foul mood on Friday, bitching about work. And here it is Sunday evening and it's all better now.

I was snoozin' in late today--I was up late looking at house plans again--and around 9:45 am my phone was ringing. And it was that familiar ring that means I'm either picking up a shift or getting fired. It's been pretty slow lately, but Sundays are generally busier than most other days, so my money was on picking up a shift.

And I was right--they were calling me in, asking if I could work at eleven. Oh hell yeah I could! The eleven am shift is about the best one available if you ask me. The daily tournament usually starts then, and that's a couple of downs worth of easy money, and sometime around 1pm or so, they'll usually have enough people on hand to start a no-limit game. Me and the other three dealers drew cards for our spots in the new rotation when we clocked in, and I got lucky and got the top of the push, meaning that I got the most tables before getting a break. That was just fine with me.

Once I finally got a break, a couple of hours later, I was starving. I went over to the pizza joint on property and got a couple of slices of crappy pizza and a drink for over ten bucks. I mean, I was shocked when they told me the total. A little bit proud of your prices, don't ya think? I said, as I handed over my eleven bucks. I mean, come on--greasy fake cheese and pepperoni sliced so thin you can see through it? I won't be going back.

But then I wandered over to the sports book, and took my usual spot in the back of the book by the service well, because one of my favorite gals spends her Sundays working in the book. Had I been smart about it, I could've saved almost three bucks by skipping the fountain drink from the pizza place and had the cocktail waitress bring me a drink for free. Well, I would've tossed her a buck, obviously, but I still would've gotten off cheaper.

Of course, while sitting there, I saw that my NFL picks were already in the dumper because of Miami and New Orleans, so there were no tickets to be cashed today. On the other hand, I offer this, an open letter to the 'twelf men' of Seattle:

Dear Seahawk fans:

I'm truly sorry for your recent misfortunes, but somebody has to wear the collar in the NFC West. It might as well be you clowns. Just do us Rams fans a favor--try not to mess up the basement too badly. We lived there for quite some time and found it rather comfortable, but we've since improved our lot in life. It looks like you guys will be probably there for some time, so just remember to pick up after yourselves. And try not to stain the furniture.

Thank you,

St. Louis Rams fans

Whew! That felt pretty good. And I gotta love my team beating up on the Cowboys like they did today. It just warms my heart.

Anyhow. Work pretty much flew by today--I was busy all day, and only had one bad table--four or five of our biggest stiffs and whiners were all concentrated on one table, so it was a cast-iron bitch of a half hour to sit there and grind it out and get stiffed every other hand. Ugh. But the other games more than made up for it and I had a fairly lucrative day. So I feel a whole lot better today than I did on Friday.

I'm on call for both Monday and Tuesday, but I'm hoping to avoid going in on Tuesday. It seems that I'm such a big wheel in Nevada politics that I got a 'VIP' invite to the Sarah Palin rally here in Henderson on Tuesday. I'd rather do that, obviously, but if work calls, I've gotta go answer to The Man.

Ooh, and I almost forgot. Somehow, somebody out there considers me a member of the Las Vegas press corps, and I got an invitation to Press Night at the new Ricks Cabaret Gentleman's Club (which, if I'm not mistaken, now occupies the space formerly held by Scores). Anyhow, all I needed to do was send them my RSVP and my affiliation, and a night of free cocktails and VIP service was mine for the taking. Of course, all of the lovely ladies of Rick's would be made available for pictures and interviews, also.

Can you imagine me sitting there trying to carry on an interview with a stripper? Sure beats Anne Rice's gig, I'm guessing, but it'd probably be tough to keep a straight face.

As much fun as it would be, I took a pass on that one. I know--I'm lettin' you guys down, but I've got enough problems with cocktail waitresses. I don't need to be getting friendly with any strippers. They're much further up the crazy scale, and I certainly don't need any of that right now. It's like Jay-Z said--I got 99 problems and a biatch ain't one of 'em!

I'd kinda like to keep it that way for awhile.

Mikey

Wasting The Day

Ok, I guess I'm now at peace with the fact that I've got a shiatty schedule at work this week and I'm gonna be a poor white boy for the foreseeable future. It's easy to be at peace with not working since all the bills are paid and I don't have to worry about any new ones for a few weeks. Besides, I've always been cool with that whole 'not working' thing. Maybe a little too cool with it...

Since I knew I wouldn't be working today, I embraced the insomnia last night and stayed up till well past 3:00 am. I did a few of the usual housekeeping things, but mostly I just surfed the internet. I ended up browsing new home plans all night long, which is pretty much a time-waster because I certainly can't afford my own place anytime soon, much less a new build. But you know, every now and then I get my hands on a Powerball ticket or think about riding my mad poker skills to a seven-figure payday, so it was every bit as fun for me to look at new home plans for several hours as it would be for a high-schooler to discover his uncle's porn stash while house-sitting over a long weekend.

Of course, staying up that late, I finally fell asleep once the sun started peeking up over the eastern mountains. That messed up my plans to get up early and watch Game Day, like I normally do, so I completely whiffed on the early games today.

But once I finally got up, around noon, I turned on the coffeemaker, did a load of laundry, and made some breakfast. Breakfast consisted of whole-wheat toast with butter, peanut butter, and a sprinkle of bacon salt, a pot of coffee, and some pina colada flavored Yoplait. It was pretty damn good, but I'm sure I'll be hungry again in a bit, and I have no idea what to do for dinner.

So I've done pretty much nothing all day but read, drink coffee, and keep an eye on the TV in the background. Every Saturday, I do an eight-team parlay for five bucks, which pays $1050 if I get 'em all right. Of course, I never win 'em, but to me, it's kinda like playing the lottery--a cheap and pleasant diversion which makes the college football day that much more interesting. But the cool thing is, I actually went 7 for 8 this week. Yep, Georgia cost me a thousand bucks by not covering against Vanderbilt.

I've ridden that Vandy bandwagon all year, and I think they're something like 6-1 against the spread. But starting a new quarterback and going on the road to Athens for homecoming weekend, I figured that the Dawgs would maul 'em, so I bet against the Commies. Georgia was laying fifteen points, but only won by ten, dammit. So that's a thousand bucks I won't be enjoying. Oh well, say-la-vee... Too much chalk, once again.

Anyhow, I have no big plans for the weekend. I'm livin' like a cheapass hermit for awhile, not going out and being social or trying new restaurants. First of all, I don't really have the bankroll to do it right now, and next weekend I'll be living like a tourist, staying downtown at the Nugget for three nights and playing poker with Dougie for about 72 hours straight. So I'm saving my meager ducketts for that adventure.

Tonight, I'm going to watch the Mizzou-Texas game, then I'll probably fix up a batch of my favorite recipe--Rum, Coke, Ice, and Limes, and then sit out on the back deck enjoying the view of the Strip while smoking a Black Label. Who says you gotta spend money to live large in Vegas?

Mikey

Saturday Morning Update

Hey gang, just wanted to give an update for those reclickers out there who come to visit on the weekends.

First of all, the sickness-cold-illness worry was a false alarm. My immune system was up to the task and I picked up no harmful germs from the inconsiderate poker players. In fact, when I got up on Friday morning, I felt better than I had all week.

But as healthy as I feel, I'm fairly pissed off, otherwise. Not only is it a very slow month in the poker room, but I've only got three days scheduled next week. And all-three days are those worthless shifts where I go in at six, don't do shiat for two hours, then get sent home at eleven when all the day shift dealers come in.

Lean times, indeed.

I haven't been playing hardly any poker lately, so my four-month streak of making my truck payment with poker winnings has come to an end. I actually had to 'earn' this last payment, and I'm here to tell ya, that sucks, especially in a slow month like this.

But the thing that really set me off today was that I got sent home two hours early, again, and we had three games and five dealers at the time. But they insisted that they had to send me home, which I thought was a bullshit move at the time.

Instead of leaving right away, after clocking out, I wandered over and sat in the back row of the race book. I like to sit there and make my football picks, and it's right next to the service well where the cocktail waitresses pick up their drinks. So I sit there and flirt and chat with my girlies because it's slow for them, too, and they'll bring me free drinks.

Anyhow, after about a half hour, I wandered back around the corner to the poker room, and I saw that there were four full tables--two limit games, a no-limit game, and the final table of the daily tournament. What made it worse is that they were suddenly so short-handed that the poker room manager was actually dealing at the tournament table! The boss NEVER deals.

Seriously, I could've stayed another half hour and got another down in, and they wouldn't have been in the weeds like they were. But the floor manager saw me standing there by the entrance, and saw the pissed off look on my face, and came over to smooth things over. Of course, his hands were tied, he couldn't do anything about it, but the fact that they're just so tight with the hours was the real irritation. And it kind of bit them on the ass this time. So he promised to call me in if it got that busy again over the weekend (I'm scheduled to be off for the next four days, but I told them to put me on call). Also, the weird casino rules prevent me from clocking back in again, too, so they couldn't even use me although I was available.

So next week is gonna suck, at least as it stands right now. We'll see what happens, but damn, I for one am getting sick of this weak-ass economy, or at least the chicken-little over-reactions to it. According to the guys that have been out here in Vegas forever, they all tell me that election years are always the worst, and that business is always weak until the election is over. So I'm looking forward to November, that's for sure.

Of course, back in July and August, there was another stretch where I had only three days of work scheduled each week, but I always managed to pick up a shift or two. It's just that right now, I'm in that irritated stage where I feel like I've got no control and I feel like I'm getting screwed. But it always seems to work out in the end. I just have to remember that and get in the proper frame of mind.

I've got my fingers crossed.

Mikey

I Have No Idea What I'm Talking About

But I'm trying to educate myself.

It seems that I've opened Pandora's Box again, and this time, it was full of Peirogies. One mention of it, and it's cole slaw time all over again! Yep, I got a few comments, but now my inbox is full of peirogie talk.

First of all, a picture to whet your appetite:


As far as I can tell, pierogies are basically the same thing as Italian ravioli or Chinese dumplings, although most Polish folk will insist that they came up with the idea first. (Actually, the proper plural of pierogie is, strangely enough, pierogie--no 's' on the end. Kinda like deer, I suppose). Anyhow, each culture has their own variety, and although I'm quite familiar with the Italian and Chinese versions, I've never had an official Polish pierogie.

Oh, I've had my chance before, but I took a pass and did the 'cab ride of shame' instead. About 12 or 13 years ago, I went out on New Year's Eve to a bar in Scottsdale, hooked up with a nice polish gal who had me drinking waaaaay too much vodka, and after the ball dropped, I found myself at her place.

The next morning, which was New Year's Day, of course, she insisted on cooking me pierogies for breakfast. Unfortunately, I turned her down. One, I'd never heard of them before and this was long before I was a culinary adventurist. Two, I wanted to get home and watch football and such, and three, well, once the evenings activities had concluded, conversation with her revealed that behind the attractive face and well-built chassis, she was packing a metric assload of bat-shiat crazy. So I beat a hasty retreat, home in time to catch the Rose Parade.

So I never got to try a pierogie.

Marlisha was kind enough to send me a couple of links to places here in Vegas where I can get some, and the one that intrigues me the most is a place called Polonez, down on Sahara and Maryland Parkway. So it's now at the top of the list, and although I've never heard of it, seen it, noticed it while driving by that intersection hundreds of times, I *think* it may be closed--I can't seem to find much info on the internet. There's also word of a Polish deli out on the west side at Charleston and Jones, but y'all know my thoughts about going out to the west side--I've got to have a damn good reason to cross I-15. So far, besides getting some good lovin', I've only come up with three reasons to go out there--NY Pizza & Pasta, Jamm's, and Capo's. We'll see if the desire to try some pierogies trumps my inherent laziness when it comes to driving across town.

But Suzette, the one who planted the seed in the first place, seems to be an expert on the subject, and according to her, I should only eat saurkraut or potato-filled pierogies, not those fake Russian ones with meat or prunes in them. Well, I can guarantee that I won't be eating anything with prunes in it anytime soon. And those potato or saurkraut morsels should be swimming in a pool of melted butter and grilled onions.

That actually sounds pretty damn good.


But in the course of my self-education, I've found that most pierogie-mongers will indeed offer meat-filled options, in addition to the more traditional varieties. I'm also fairly certain that I can get frozen pierogies at the grocery store if I look hard enough. So I might try a few different types if I can find them at the store.

While doing my research websurfing, I discovered a great recipe to go along with them--just brown some Kielbasa in a skillet, and then toss it in the crock pot with some onions, brown sugar, and applesauce. After a few hours, serve it with your pierogies. Sounds like my next kitchen experiment...

Mikey

Staring At the Blank Page. Again.

Man, as much as I'd love to post an entertaining update, the well is a little dry this week. Maybe Cruise Week took it out of me, but I'm also feeling a little out of sorts this week. I've not been sleeping well at all, and work has just really taken it out of me these past few days.

I'm afraid that I'm also on the way to getting sick, and probably sooner rather than later. Not only can I tell that my system isn't running at 100%, but there was some jackass at the poker table all day today coughing and wheezing all over the cards, chips, and in the air. And of course he spent the majority of the morning in seat #10, right next to me.

I did what I could--I got happy with the hand sanitizer as soon as I got off the table every time, and then when I got home, I drank an entire 46 oz bottle of V8 Fusion Light veggie & fruit juice, took some medicine and went to bed for a short nap. After work on Friday, I'm hitting the drug store for some Zycam or something to make sure that if I *do* get sick, it's a mild one.

I'd hate to get sick right now--Dougie's coming to town next weekend and we've got a three-day poker bender planned, so I've got to be feeling my best.

I haven't done much tonight--did some reading, a little online shopping, and watched Samantha Brown take a Carnival cruise that stopped in Cozumel. You know I'm lovin' that.

Otherwise, there just ain't much going on. Sorry to be so dull and boring, but I think the lack of visceral experience this week and low biorhythms are conspiring against my creative juices.

Maybe something interesting will happen this weekend.

Mikey

Strange Things Are Afoot at the Circle K

Errrr...

I think I've got some gremlins monkeying around on my computer. In addition to a few changes I was trying to make that didn't work out quite right, I lost a bunch of comments overnight, and they're not in the pending moderation file either (I don't use that as a default anyways, but I've had that happen before).

Anyhow, if your comments are MIA, I apologize, but I'm off to the poker room for a couple of hours and don't have time to scratch my head over this.

Y'all have a happy day. I'll fart around with it later.

Mikey

I've Got A New Girl Now. Or Two.

Nope, I'm not smitten with some new cocktail waitress (although I still flirt with my favorites), and no, I haven't convinced Nichole Hiltz to give up that crazy Hollywood lifestyle and come shack up with an underemployed poker dealer in Vegas. But I've got a couple of new favorite gals that I'd like to introduce to you. But first, we need a little sound and fury...

I'm almost ashamed to post this, but man, it's so chock-full of cheesy 80's goodness that I can no more resist doing it than I can resist clicking the link in an email promising pictures of Martha Quinn wearing nothing more than legwarmers and a hair scrunchie.

So here goes. Enjoy the Cheeze!




So I put that video up as an introduction to a couple of new gals I've added to my daily rotation, in addition to it being one of my favorite tunes from the Reagan years.

The first is Brigid from Home on the Range. I enjoy her writing quite a bit, and although it sometimes drifts off into the esoteric, I dig it. But it's mostly about guns and food, so there's plenty for me to enjoy. And she's a much better writer than I am, so you know, if you wanna feel smarter, get on over there for some highbrow blogging, then come on back over here for the literary equivalent of cartoons when you're done.

My other new favorite is Suzette, of Cripes, Suzette!. I wasted a couple of hours the other night giggling my way through her archives, and I must admit, I'm smitten. I don't know the first thing about her except that she's a Jersey girl and calls me "Honey" in her emails. And I can detect no overarching theme to her website, but it's a fun read. So far, it seems that she's into politics and dog-bloggin', kinda like Rachel. And her dog Stedman is so cool, it's like he's the Samuel L. Jackson of the canine world.

So I'm adding them to the daily rotation because not only do I enjoy them, I think you will too.

Mikey

At A Loss

Howdy y'all.

Here I am, home on a Tuesday night, ready to pound the keyboard for the next couple of hours, but I have a slight problem.


I just can't think of anything to write about. Life is rather dull right now. I worked (only six hours), had lunch, came home, watched the WSOP on ESPN, and saw Phil Helmuth act like a complete asshat again, just because he got outplayed on a hand.

I swear, if I were at that table when he started up again, I probably would've unloaded on him. Look, you got outplayed! Take it like a man and quit crying like a whiney little bitch, Sally... But that's just me. I have a short fuse when it comes to asshats.

I think I remember reading about it on the live update site back in July as it was happening, and I believe it was the last hand of the night and they gave him a ten minute penalty for the next day, but then they reversed it. I don't remember all the details, but the bottom line is that as good a poker player he is, he's just about as big a cocksucker as you'll ever meet at a poker table.

Anyhow...

I've been getting a lot of feedback from Cruise Week, and it seemed to be a big hit. Much bigger than Cole Slaw Day or the No More Kimmy episode. It was such a big hit that my little sister Amy called me earlier tonight and we discussed it further. She suggested that I do some other 'themed' weeks, but I was kind of stuck for a subject. She wanted me to do a Beer Week, but I'm not quite enough of a beer snob to pull that off. And nobody wants to spend a week reading about Michelob Light, Pacifico, and Amber Bock. That's about all I drink anymore. Well, I'll indulge in a Peroni draft while dining at Grimaldi's, and I still kinda like Newcastle, and oh yeah, I have some Sam Adams Octoberfest in my mini-fridge, but otherwise, I really don't have much to say about beer besides "It tastes good".

I suggested something that'll stir up the comments section, like a Candy Week, but while it sounds like a good idea at first blush, the execution would be troublesome. I dunno. I guess I'll wait for inspiration to strike. It could happen tonight, or it might never come at all. That's the world I live in...

While we were talking, I told Amy that the topics that get the most traffic are usually food-related, so we somehow started talking about the Luther Burger.

Behold the unhealthy goodness of the Luther Burger:


For those of you who don't know what a Luther Burger is, it's a bacon-cheeseburger, and instead of a bun, it's served on a Krispy Kreme donut, cut in half and grilled. Oh hell yeah. Can't you just feel your arteries hardening just by thinking of eating that thing? Oh, and a traditional Luther Burger doesn't come with any veggies at all. No pickles, onions, lettuce, or tomato. That would make it somewhat healthy.

Why is it called a Luther Burger? Well, it has nothing to do with it's Protestant roots. (Although it certainly isn't a Catholic Burger either, more commonly known as the Filet-O-Fish). Actually, word on the street is that it was a favorite of Luther Vandross, and he ordered them all the time, kinda like how Elvis liked to have grilled peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

Myself, I've never had a Luther Burger, and I don't even know where I could get one out here in Vegas, unless I make one on my own. But the truth is, it's not very high on my must-do list. I've had bacon cheeseburgers. I've had Krispy Kreme donuts. I don't need to combine them. It would be kinda like putting a scoop of moose tracks on top of my pepperoni and mushroom pizza. Some things might be better just left alone.

But you never know unless you try. I thought strawberries marinated in balsamic vinegar would taste worse than liver dipped in buttermilk, but hey, it's actually pretty damn good.

Oh well. I still have nothing to write about. The suggestion box is open.

Mikey

Because I Love You People

Hey, I know it's tough to go back to work on Monday morning following a week-long vacation. Even if you didn't go anywhere, it's hard to motivate yourself out of bed that first morning back in the real world, and it's twice as bad if you went somewhere sunny and tropical.

So you kind of have to ease back into the routine. You can't just go from Hawaiian-shirt wearing drunken buffoon to buttoned shirt-wearing office drone overnight. It's impossible. So you do little things--like wearing topsiders, so that you don't have to put on socks for another day. Or you still wear a Hawaiian print polo shirt, but at least it's tucked in while at the office. Maybe you keep your sunglasses on your head all day, giving off that I've still got one foot in the ocean vibe.

Whatever you do, I know it's hard to go back and face that pile of paperwork that was growing on your desk the entire time you were gone.

So my gift to you, dear readers, now that Cruise Week is over, is a few pictures I've collected that you can look at and daydream about when nobody's looking. Your body might be confined to a cube, a desk, and a computer monitor, but your mind can be anywhere else you want it to be.

Remember, clicky for full-sized goodness!








Mikey

Random Thoughts on a Sunday Night

Ok, so I busted out of the buffoonathon over on Poker Stars in ninth place, not even close to the money. But while I was folding my crappy cards, I let my mind wander a bit, and had the foresight to write it down.

And do you know who benefits from this? You--my loyal readers! So here we go, the random musings of my totally sober mind...


1) I think the UPS whiteboard guy is a pretentious turd who sits around in his spare time writing his own The way I see it quotes for Starbucks cups.

2) If a couple of preppie guys with sweaters tied around their shoulders are grilling ostrich burgers at a tailgate party, do you really believe for one second that they'd bring a cooler full of Miller High Life with them?

3) I've always thought that global warming was a hoax used to push a social agenda, but if it's going to make all the Reese's melt, I'm willing to listen.

4) I know it'll probably lower my IQ about a dozen points, but I'd kinda like to see that new Max Payne movie. We all have guilty pleasures, like chocolate, trashy novels, or sniffing magic markers. I like Markie Mark movies.

5) How bad do you think Fox Sports is hoping for a Boston/LA World Series? That's why I'm rooting for Tampa. And I didn't know Tim McCarver's corpse was still alive.

6) I was stuck with only ONE early game to watch this morning--Bears at Falcons. What's up with that? I thought it would suck, but damn, what a great game!

7) I noticed that the lady with two faces on the Southwest commercial also has two sets of boobs. I bet she'd be fun to slow dance with.

8) I wonder if OJ will be able to pick up a few extra bucks over the next several years by autographing the license plates he makes.

9) If chicken-fried bacon is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

10) You know it's been far too long since your last meal if a scented candle makes your stomach growl.

11) At what point are you officially too old to wear your cap backwards? How old is Tony Romo?

12) Holy shiat--The Rams actually won today! On the road! Excuse me while I peek out the window to see if the four horsemen are saddling up. If the Apocalypse doesn't happen tonight, I'm proudly wearing my Rams fleece jacket to work all week.

13) I'm really digging Daniel Craig as the new James Bond. Roger Moore was totally ghey, and nobody's afraid of Pierce Brosnan.

14) Do that many people really drink Miller Lite? Every time I have a sip of it, I think to myself Damn, that horse needs to get it's kidneys checked.

15) Jack Bauer is coming back. Oh hell yeah. Time to feel good about killin' some bad guys.

16) Online poker account, Ameritrade account, Intrade account, savings account, 401k account. So far this year, only the poker account has made any money for me.

17) The crust on this Metro Pizza is better than I remember.

18) Trade of the day -- Short Obama '08 contracts at 79.30 per. Money, baby! I figure if I lose that one, cash flow will be the least of my problems.

19) Is there anything more entertaining that seeing somebody beat Phil Helmuth with an inferior hand? Man, what an asshat.

20) I'm beginning to think that everything tastes better when you add either vanilla, cinnamon, coconut, or bacon.

21) Whatever happened to Vinnie on American Chopper after he quit? I figured he'd get his own show or something.

22) That Around the Bend song on the new iPod Touch commercials is quite catchy. It makes me want to roller skate and blow bubbles.

23) I think I've discovered the ultimate combination of pleasure and pain--Getting a paper cut from a pizza box.

24) I've always had a hard time believing that a couple of the sounds that Elton John really likes are the sounds of a switchblade and a motorbike.

25) So now they've got Cialis for daily use. I believe they're test marketing it under the name "Eighth Grade".

26) In about sixty years, all the grannies at the nursing home are gonna have tramp stamps on their backs. That's gonna be weird.


Mikey

My Favorite Season

When I woke up this morning, it was 49 degrees outside--by far the coldest it's been in months! The summer fever has finally broken, and we're getting into the best part of the year, as far as I'm concerned.

I've always preferred autumn. It's football season, of course, and while that is a great thing all by itself, well, it's not the only thing. It's nice to finally get a break from the oppressive heat of the desert. Some people think that spring is the season of renewal, but I disagree. I spent about 20 years of my life going 'back to school', so fall, to me, is the season where the slate is wiped clean.

Autumn is when you get a new set of clothes, a backpack full of new school supplies, and kinda like optimistic Cubs fans in April, this is the year you finally make straight A's. You meet new friends, get new teachers, and start all over again.

Away from the classroom, autumn is the season of apple cider, haunted houses, pumpkin pie, hayrides, family gatherings, crisp air, wood smoke, flannel sheets, chili, the fireplace, tailgating, homecoming, finally shutting off the air conditioner, harvest moons, pumpkin carving, walks in the woods, and best of all, it's the start of the holiday season. The stretch from Halloween-Thanksgiving-Christmas-New Years is the best two months of the year if you as ask me.



Of course, the blessing of living in the southwestern desert comes with sacrifices. We don't really have four seasons out here. Yeah, it gets a little cooler out here, but our mountains aren't covered in stands of golden aspens and cottonwood trees like our neighbors to the north. Back in the days before the casinos owned my ass, I'd occasionally make it back to Tennessee around this time of year to visit with the family. Flying in, my face would be glued to the window on the plane, just taking in all of the unfamiliar sights of hills covered with trees, all ablaze with fall colors. It's almost overwhelming to somebody who only sees the monochromatic browns of the desert landscape day in and day out.

Autumn is the time I miss Tennessee. We don't do hayrides in Nevada. There are no cornfield mazes, and I don't see farmers on the side of the road selling pumpkins out of the back of their pickup trucks. And there aren't enough trees out here to alter the scenery if the leaves ever get around to changing colors before they fall off.

Several years ago I saw the most picture perfect scene back in Tennessee--I wish I would've had my camera with me, but at least I've got the picture burned into my memory. Those of you familiar with the area around Franklin would know where Hillsboro Road is. Well, just out of town, where it starts to get a little more rural, you come around a bend in the road and you'll see a huge red barn sitting in the middle of a field, and hanging from the hayloft is a giant American flag. Just a few hundred yards beyond the barn, the hills are completely covered in trees, and in the fall, it looks like a Norman Rockwell painting come to life. I was driving my sister's Corvette around with my brother-in-law David that day--we were out just driving fast on the back roads outside of town--and I came around the bend and had to hit the brakes just a few yards up the road from that barn because a small herd of deer decided to cross the road right there in front of us.

It was an amazing sight. If I would've had a camera with me, I'm sure that picture would've been every bit as famous by now as the Marines raising the flag on Iwo Jima, or that one of the girl in Afghanistan with the amazing eyes, and I'd have a Pulitzer prize for photography. Yep, it was that kind of scene. An amazing portrait of an autumn afternoon in rural Tennessee. In my mind, that's what I think of when people talk about a perfect fall day.

But I won't be enjoying that kind of scene around here anytime soon. There aren't many barns in Las Vegas, palm trees don't change colors, and Sunrise Mountain is covered in nothing but rocks. But it's a cool crisp fall day outside, and I'm curled up in bed with a cup of coffee and a good book, and I've got my apple spice scented candle providing the atmosphere.

And word on the street is that Starbucks has brought back their pumpkin lattes, too. Bring on the holidays!

Mikey

Random Thoughts on a Saturday Night

I'm quite familiar with all of the seven deadlies, and I'm pretty sure that Lust and Gluttony are my favorites, but today was all about Sloth.

Oh hell yeah.

I was almost sure that I'd be called in to work today, but the phone never rang. So I slept in late. And then when I finally motivated myself to do something, all I did was roll over and hit the button on the coffeemaker, which sits on top of the mini-fridge that sits right next to my bed. Since the fridge is right there, I don't have to get up to get my coconut-flavored creamer, either. And I have two coffee cups sitting next to the coffee maker, too (because you never know when you're gonna have company), so everything I need is right on hand.

Once the coffee finished brewing, I remained in bed drinking the entire pot while I watched college football all morning long. Oh, and before you ask, I had some stellar picks again, like Vanderbilt, Illinois, Northwestern, Kentucky, and Mizzou. All of them lost.

Apparently, I really suck at picking college football games. Ace Rothstein's throne isn't going to be challenged by me anytime soon.

Anyhow, as lazy as my day began, I actually did a few productive things today. I got lots of laundry done. I scrubbed the bathroom. I straightened up my closet and my desk. And I got a bit of reading done, too. But the siren song of the boob tube couldn't keep me away, so I found myself enjoying the Tennessee/Georgia game while trying to avoid seeing the beatdown USC was putting on my pathetic Sun Devils.

In addition to all of the bad news on the college ball scene, I had to face the music in another area today, too. I dug out my quarterly 401k statement that I got back in July. At the time, I just put it in the drawer without looking at it, just because it wasn't a priority. But my next statement comes out this week, and it'll be interesting to compare the two.

In the interest of full disclosure, I'll tell you that I've got 12% of my money in cash, and 88% of it in growth stocks. Unfortunately, they've been growing in the wrong direction all year long, and back in July, my one year rate of return was -10.94% .

Ouch.

And it's gonna be waaaaaay worse this quarter. I'm looking at losses approaching 25-30% for the year. (Update--I cheated. I went online and looked, and right now, YTD, my account value is down about 18%)

But you know what? It's no big deal.

Yep. That's right. I said it. It ain't no thang.

Here's my mini-rant. So many people are, for lack of a better term, completely ignorant about finance and economics. They seriously have no clue. I couldn't even begin to count the number of people I've heard in the past week talking about how they're liquidating everything and getting out of the market until it turns around. Or they're not contributing to their 401k again until next year.

Morons.

First of all, people seem to equate the stock market with the economy. They are not the same, people! The Dow Jones Industrial Average is just an index of 30 common stocks. Yep, thirty stocks, that's it. Now, it's certainly an indicator of the economic mood of the country, a gauge, but it is not The Economy. But all of those companies are still making money, and the dividends are still getting paid, and while it's true things have slowed down a bit, the sky is definitely not falling.

The market sucks, that is true. But the economy is fundamentally sound. People are still going to work every day, producing more goods and services that almost the rest of the world combined. I've been out and about all week long, and in the gloomiest market period in a very long time, there are still lines at the restaurants in town, the casinos are still hopping, and the lights are still on. Just because the economy is growing slower than we'd like, it's still growing!

The old guys that come in and play poker every morning--half of which are true blue lefty socialists--wail about how bad the economy is, yet they're still there spending all of their money at the casino for hours on end every day. My game is full after 8:00 am every day. I did a full eight hours on Friday, and almost had to do overtime. But the economy is bad, according to everyone who is out spending their money the same way they were a few weeks ago when the economy wasn't bad. My favorite illustration of this was just the other day a couple of the old guys were saying, Oh yeah, the economy is in the shitter, people aren't playing anymore--Hank hasn't been here in two months! About a half hour later, like it was on cue, Hank showed up and sat down at the table. One of the old fellers asked him where he'd been and his answer was priceless.

I've been swamped at the shop. I've got more projects than I can handle!

Heh.

I know that the plural of anecdote is not data, but to anybody who says the economy is going bust, I say bullshiat. I've noticed that people just like to repeat what they've heard on TV or the radio. Don't think so? Watch ESPN all weekend, and then talk sports with a group of people on Monday morning. You'll hear the same stuff you heard all weekend, almost verbatim. Why? Because people are social animals and want to participate in the conversation, and they want to sound like they have an informed opinion. But if you've only got one source, and don't do your own 'due diligence', then you may sound informed, but actually, you're just as ignorant as you always were.

And speaking of the current crisis, I, for one, refuse to believe that the credit markets have dried up if somebody like me, with my sub-650 credit score, is still getting weekly offers for credit cards, lines of credit, and new car financing.

Anyhow, before I go off on too many tangents, I'll bring it back to my point. All these trillions of dollars lost in the stock market are mostly paper losses. As I always used to say, it ain't a loss until you take it. Guess what, all that negative movement in your 401k--you've still got the same number of shares, they're just worth less than they were last year. So what? If you're like me, well, I won't be cashing them for another 20+ years. My outlook is simply that stocks are on sale right now.

Another thing--all those shares that people are dumping and selling off? Somebody is buying them. And those somebodies are gonna be dirty rotten filthy stinking rich when the market turns around. And it always does. Although you can't predict when it will turn around like you can predict what time the sun will rise, you absolutely can say that it will eventually rise. So why not take advantage of the buying opportunity when it presents itself?

So I've already contacted the plan administrator for my retirement fund and upped my contribution rate from 5% to 12%, but I'm thinking of going as high as 20% by the end of the year. We'll see how it goes. I also reallocated my account so that the 12% 15% that I have in cash gets used first thing on Monday morning to buy up all the shares of the S&P 500 fund I can afford, and I changed all of my future contributions so that everything I put in goes into that same fund, also.

I am truly putting my money where my mouth is, because when the market comes back to where it was just a year ago, I'm looking at about 30% return. I've got time.

At least I hope this works out better than my football picks, because I'm ridin' this baby all the way down!


Anyhow, enough about that. I'm just tired of listening to people who don't know what they're talking about. My advice to you, dear readers, is that if you're less than 40 years old, it's time to go Blackjack in your retirement accounts and double down. Getting out of the market is the absolute last thing you should do.

So what else is new in the life of Mikey? Well, cruise week took up a boatload of my free time. On Wednesday, when I wrote that sea day post and then followed it up with the 20 questions post, all that writing took over seven hours to do. Hey, once I get going, I let 'er rip. Sometimes I can't stop. So I appreciate the indulgence y'all show me when I've got nuthin' for a few days in a row. But I remember calling Lars on Wednesday afternoon around four or five, and seeing if he could get away for dinner. It was, and I shiat you not, FREE PIZZA DAY at Grimaldi's! It was their one-year anniversary, and VIPs like me got an invite to come down and grub on free pizza and beer all day long. Well, Lars couldn't get away, he had some family coming to town, so I decided I'd just go later, once I made my sea day update. But like I said, once I started writing, answering questions, and organizing pictures, I just couldn't stop. When I realized, sometime around midnight, that I'd missed out on the anniversary party at Grimaldi's, well, I was quite bummed out.

Talk about your missed opportunities... That was almost as bad as missing out on the Bad Beat Jackpot last two weeks ago. Maybe worse. There will be other jackpots, but there may never be another free pizza day at Grimaldi's.

On Tuesday I got to experience a little bit of Vegas. Drew was still in town and he called me up with free tickets to go see Blue Man Group down at the Venetian. I had nothing going on, so I agreed to go.

When we walked into the theatre and gave the usher our tickets, he told us that it was our lucky day--we were getting upgraded. To the very front row! Yep, right smack in the middle of downtown plastic ponchoville. I don't know what we did to deserve it, but there was no way I was going to put on a big plastic body-condom and sit there sweating my ass off. So I just held it in front of me for the entire show.

The show was, shall we say, interesting. Maybe I was expecting more, but the first 45 minutes or so just dragged ass. It was boring as hell. Ok, so I get it, you do a sight gag and then stare at each other wide-eyed for thirty seconds or more. Yeah, that works once, but once was enough. Otherwise there was just a lot of uncomfortable silence while the audience waited for something funny or entertaining to happen. I almost yelled out "DO SOMETHING!" from the front row while they were just sitting there staring at each other trying to be funny with silent facial expressions. Very lame. For awhile there, I thought they should rename the act to the Blue Mime Group.

But after an hour, it picked up a bit, and when they had the entire band going with the strobe lights and whatnot, that was kind of fun. And that whole thing where they drop toilet paper on the audience, well, it all gets pushed up to the front, and I swear at one point I was buried under six feet of asswipe. Yes, it was over my head. It was so thick and so deep that I couldn't see Drew, and he was less than a foot away from me! We were completely covered during the last ten minutes of the show, and trying to root our way out of it was akin to trying to dig ourselves out of an avalanche.

As far as the show goes, we both agreed that we would've been extremely pissed if we'd paid the $90+ face value for the tickets, and even if I got free tickets again, I wouldn't go. I just really didn't enjoy it that much. Some of the stuff was pretty cool, but I guess my expectations were too high. I kept waiting for a payoff that never came. Honestly, I probably would've enjoyed a bunch of drag queens playing classic rock cover tunes on the bagpipes more than I enjoyed the Blue Man Group.

Overall, I give it a thumbs down. Save your money. And the ponchos? A lot of hype. We were about as close as you could possibly get to the performance, and I didn't get hit with a drop of paint. The only thing that came close is when one of the guys spit out a mouth full of marshmallows. I was expecting something good and messy like Gallagher's Sledge-o-Matic bit, but all we got was a bunch of guys beating on upside down garbage cans while they poured paint on them.

Woot.

After the show, however, the evening picked up considerably because we had dinner over at on of my favorite spots--the Grand Lux Cafe. Believe it or not, but I didn't get my usual Asian Nachos this time. The basket of bread they served first took the edge off the hunger, so I went with something I've wanted to eat for three years or so.

Back during March Madness of 2005, a whole bunch of us went there for dinner one night, and we ended up getting about five different appetizers to start the meal with. Well, between that and the bread, by the time the entrees arrived, I think I ate about three bites and gave up--I was full. I found out later why I had no appetite--I was about as sick as I'd ever been that week, but the symptoms didn't manifest themselves for another 24 hours or so.

Anyhow, that night I ordered something called 'Sunday Night Pasta', and it was really good. It was basically a huge tray of spaghetti made with steak, short ribs, mushrooms, cheese, and other assorted veggies.

So that's what I ordered this time around, and I still ended up taking half of it home with me and eating it for lunch the next day. It was damn good, and even better as leftovers.

Other than that, not much else has been going on. I'm on call this whole weekend, but I'd love to pick up another shift. Dougie's coming to town in two weeks for a three-day poker tournament bender, and I need to put together a bankroll. We're gonna do a couple of those Binion's Poker Open tourneys that I did back in May and June, so hopefully I'll have the same luck this time around. I'm sure there will be some side action on who lasts longer, but other than that, I just hope we both do well and have lots of fun. I think we'll be staying down at the Nugget that weekend, so I'm hoping the weather hasn't cooled off too much because it would be nice to be able to use the pool and swim alongside the shark tank during our off-time.

That's about it from here. And now that I've done all this writing, I think I'm just gonna sloth-out here for the rest of the evening watching SportsCenter with my beer and my bacon salt-seasoned popcorn.

Life is good.

Mikey

Cruise Week: Coming Home

One can't stay on vacation forever, which is too bad. Eventually the cruise ends, the vacation time is spent, and it's back to the real world. But the great thing about taking a cruise is that when it's over, you are very relaxed, probably as much as you've ever been. A small dose of 'island time' will do that to you. Stress? What's that? It's all gone.

So after a week of sunshine, salt air, umbrella drinks, and total relaxation, it's time to head back to your home port, wherever that may be.

The last night at sea is always kind of mellow. I'm kind of sad that the trip is ending, but then again, by then I'm looking forward to sleeping in my own bed and working my way through all that duty-free booze. Plus, by that time, I'm usually down to the end of my clean laundry, signaling the official end of the trip.

Debarkation day is the suckiest part of the cruise. You get up early with nothing to look forward to. No more beautiful sunrises at sea. No more coffee on deck first thing in the morning, no more lounging by the pool checking out all the bikinis from behind the anonymity of dark sunglasses, and no more interesting dinner conversations with a group of new friends who just seven short days before you never knew existed.

Instead, you get up, shower, get dressed, and hope that you remembered to keep a belt, clean underwear, and comfy shoes out of your checked baggage that was picked up the night before.

Then there's a somber breakfast in the dining room, and the balance of the morning is spent lounging around in the public areas, waiting for the P.A. system to announce your deck color so you can finally be on your way. The best part of that is listening to the Purser's Desk announcements as they go all collection-agency on people who haven't yet settled their Sail & Sign accounts.

Yeah, don't even think about trying to ditch your bill. You will be publicly humiliated.

Finally the anticipated--yet dreaded--announcement comes and you're free to leave the ship for the last time. Once you exit the gangway, it's off to the baggage claim warehouse to find your luggage amongst about 5000 other suitcases. It's then that you realize that 99% of people in the world also have black luggage.

Once you find your stuff, it's time to run the US Customs gauntlet. I'm always sweating that part, because I'm usually about ten bottles of booze above the legal limit, and I've heard they take a dim view of the several boxes of Cuban cigars I've got stashed between four or five different suitcases, my sisters unwittingly enlisted as my drug mules.

But we don't look like we're up to any nefarious misdeeds, and our declaration forms are always in order, so we've always gotten waved through with hardly a second look.

Then it's off to the airport, and I can tell you, the mood in the limo this time around is certainly more subdued than it was just a week earlier. Once we get through check-in and security, it's time to play the waiting game before flying back to the real world.



I'm sure that after this next cruise, I'll fly back to Nashville with the family, and spend the night there, reliving the adventures of the previous week, cementing the experiences forever in my memory bank.

Who knows, we may even find our way to the Pancake Pantry or Monell's for breakfast that next morning--two of my favorite places to get my brunch grub on.



But as much as I'd love to linger in Nashville for a few days, reality dictates that I get back to Vegas and get back to work as soon as possible. (After breakfast, of course) But the cool thing about that is I'll be on a plane full of people heading off on their own vacation adventures. They'll all be amped up and ready to get their Vegas on, and I'll be the only guy peacefully snoozing away for the entire four-hour flight, my outlook 180 degrees different than everyone else on the flight.

But then, after a week of seeing all the sights I love, topping off the lifeblood tanks of my Caribbean Soul, with the people that mean the most to me, I'll find myself back where I belong. My second-favorite place on earth.


Mikey

Cruise Week: The Bahamas

They say it's better in The Bahamas, and I think they may be right. After spending the week motoring around the western Caribbean, we have to start thinking about getting back to reality and the real world. But not quite yet. How's about we stop in Nassau for the day before going home?

I've been there a couple of times--maybe three--but at this late hour I can't quite remember. But the bottom line is that The Bahamas are a great stop at the beginning or end of any cruise if your embarkation port is in Florida. Yeah, they've got the same duty-free shopping available, with locals trying their darndest to sell you stuff, but there is an island charm that's just a bit different from everywhere else in the Caribbean. The Bahamas have been playing the tourist game ever since the golden age of piracy, and they've become quite good at it.

Most cruise ships stop in Nassau, which is just a hop, skip, and a jump to Paradise Island, home to some really nice beaches, but more importantly, the Atlantis Resort & Casino.

Now, if one is so inclined, they can spend the whole day hanging out at the resort, using their beaches and facilities, gambling in the casino, and playing in their waterpark. That would be cool, because everything there must be seen to be believed. But I've got better casinos in my hometown, and if I want to take a water slide through a shark tank, well, the Golden Nugget is just 20 minutes from my front door.

So instead of hanging out at Atlantis, I'd prefer to hop a boat out to one of the most beautiful and relaxing places I've ever been--Blue Lagoon Island.


I remember the first time I was there, and I was just mesmerized by the color of the water. It was clear, but it was also the most amazing neon green/blue I've ever seen. It was was so bright that it almost looked fake--I couldn't believe that colors like that actually existed in nature. This was in the days before digital cameras, so the only pictures I have that do it justice are prints, and I'm not quite sure exactly where they are, so I can't scan them and load them up right now. But take my word for it--you will never see color like that anywhere else.



What makes it even better than being a treat for the eyes is the temperature of the water. It's just a shade south of tepid bathwater, so on a hot day it feels cool, but you don't get chilled at all--you can swim all day long and you end up not wanting to get out of the ocean. Most people that go out there just hang out at the stingray enclosure, doing their best to avoid being stabbed in the chest, or they go to the dolphin encounter facility there where folks can jump in and swim with Flipper and the gang.

But I'm not really into that so much. Dolphins are awesome, but I prefer seeing them in the wild, like I do every time I sail out to Catalina. So I don't participate in that activity. However, at Blue Lagoon Island, interestingly enough, they have an awesome lagoon right up front that is straight out of a post card or travel poster. It's warm, clear, and the setting is unbelievable. But again, I skip that too.

The island is covered in mostly palm trees, with a bunch of low-lying shrubbery scattered about to give it a wild look. But the ground is all soft white sand, and you can damn near walk the entire length of the island barefoot if you want to. And what makes it so cool is that on the backside of the island, there is a trail that winds along through the palm trees beside the water, with a couple of secluded coves here and there where few people visit. I spent a very enjoyable afternoon back there one day, taking part in a re-enactment of that scene in From Here to Eternity (you know the one I'm talking about), and I swear at the time, I couldn't have imagined a more perfect day, or a more perfect place.

But once you decide to come back to the 'civilized' end of the island by the lagoon, it's got everything you need to feed that tropical island fantasy we all have. There are double-sized rope hammocks strung between the trees, perfect for lounging in the shade with that special someone. There are picnic tables, a bar, and a snack bar where they grill burgers and such. And of course there is a small stage, usually featuring a Calypso band, and dancing barefoot in the sand is highly encouraged.

It's quite the place, and if money were no object, I'd buy that island and keep it for myself. It is exactly what comes to mind when you think of a romantic tropical paradise. When you're lying there in that hammock, smelling the seductive combination of salt air and coconut, sipping on a cold frothy rum drink, feeling the ocean breeze, and listening to the lilting music of a steel drum band in the distance, it's the kind of place that makes you want to quit your job, sell your stuff, and move down to the Caribbean forever.

It's the ultimate battery recharger, especially if you're wired like me.

Mikey

20 Questions, Cruise Week Style

Wow, this Cruise Week thing seems to be more popular than Cole Slaw Week ever was, so I'm just running with it. It's generated tons of traffic, three hits to the tip jar, and a boatload (pardon the pun) of email.

Most of that email is from folks who've never been on a cruise before, so I've been getting lots of questions. Instead of answering them all individually, I figured that since I now have a nice round number of them, I'd make a post of it instead. Here we go, in no particular order:


1) Which cruise lines do you prefer and why? I've only cruised on Carnival and Royal Caribbean so far. I give an edge to Royal Caribbean though. I like their ships better, the food is slightly better, and there's just that subjective intangible something that makes me prefer them. The cabins on Carnival are slightly larger, and I've always had a great time aboard Carnival ships, but I think I prefer the overall experience of Royal Caribbean. It's hard to say exactly why, though. Maybe because I think that RC is slightly classier than Carnival. I'm pretty sure that our next cruise, however, will be on a Carnival ship.

2) Where are the best cabins? Wow, talk about subjective, that's a tough question. Well, to tell you the truth, I've never been anywhere near the best cabins. I can't afford that neighborhood. I'm usually holed up down on the Immigrant Deck in an inside cabin across from the un-deloused Irishmen. Just kidding. Me? I prefer to be someplace close to the elevator at the same end of the ship as the cafe. On Royal Caribbean, that's mostly up front. On Carnival, that's mostly aft. It's just easier to get my coffee in the morning that way. Of course, I could call room service, but the ladies are usually still sleeping. If you're prone to seasickness, it's better to be near the center of the ship, as close to the center of gravity as possible, to alleviate most of the motion. And higher up is better. If you're down low, you'll be awakened every morning by the bow and stern thrusters as they maneuver the ship into port.

3) What is 'duty-free' booze? It's liquor that doesn't have any import/export taxes, excise taxes, or sales taxes attached to the price. In other words, it's dirt cheap. Every time I think of paying just $5 for a bottle of Captain Morgan, I get a faraway look in my eyes. But it's not just booze that's duty free--cigarettes are dirt cheap too, as is jewelry and perfume, too. In fact, one time I got me a very cool Citizen watch down in St. Thomas for just $60, but the exact same one back in Nashville was over $200 at the jewelry store near my office. Best watch I've ever owned, but I lost in on New Years Eve a few years ago. I'm gonna buy another one next time I get down there.

4) You said that Cozumel was your favorite port of call. Any others? Any ports you don't like? Well, besides Cozumel, I really love St. Thomas and St. Martin. I swear, I could live pretty well in St Martin if I ever have to go witness protection or something. I think my least favorite spot I've visited so far would be Grand Cayman. Overpriced, overhyped, crowded, and trading on it's name instead of offering anything unique. Now, before you get the wrong idea, choosing my least favorite Caribbean island is a lot like picking my least favorite Playboy bunny. It may not be my favorite, but damn, it'll sure do in a pinch. A lot of people don't particularly care for San Juan Puerto Rico, but I liked it a lot. But I bet if you polled a bunch of cruisers, asking for their least favorite ports, they'd either say Belize or Progreso, Mexico.

5) You said that you didn't like buffets and would rather eat in the dining room. I thought the dining room was all you can eat. What's the difference? Well, the dining room is technically 'all you can eat', but you have a wait staff and you order from a set menu. The cafe is a buffet for all three meals where you serve yourself like at a traditional buffet. Here is a typical dinner menu for the dining room on a Carnival cruise, and here is a dessert menu. And they change daily. But if you're so inclined, you can try as many appetizers, entrees, and desserts as you want. If you find you really like something, they'll be happy to bring you another serving. For whatever reason, I've never had good lobster on a cruise ship, although most everything else is very good to excellent.

6) Assuming I don't spend $700 on booze or gambling, how much spending money can I get away with for a week? Well, that depends. If you don't pay for shore excursions or photos, then it can be pretty cheap. With just a few souvenirs here and there and not much shopping while onshore, you could easily go all week without spending $250. But me, I like to go a little crazy when I'm on vacation, so a large bar tab and a few hundy worth of Cuban cigars stashed in my luggage is well within my planned budget.

7) Clearly, you love going on cruises. But there has to be some downside. What are the 'cons' of cruising that nobody talks about? Well, the lifeboat drill on embarkation day sucks like crap on a stick. It's hot as hell, humid, and it's a complete pain in the ass, especially if you're on a lower deck and have to hike your ass up ten flights of steps (they shut off the elevators for the drill) while wearing that ridiculous life jacket. We've learned not to go as soon as they announce the drill, but to wait until the absolute last possible minute when your room steward finds you hiding out in your room. Then, it's over in less than five minutes. Also, I don't much care for all of the ways the cruise lines try to sell you stuff once you're onboard. You can't get a massage without a sales pitch for some overpriced products. Or a haircut. All of their 'recommended' merchants on shore have a cruise-line markup. And I get tired of having my picture taken twenty times a day, too. But the absolute worst thing is the cruise director's constant announcements on the PA system. I swear, they all love the sound of their own voice. Oh, and European guys wearing Speedos. Seriously, what the f*ck? Nobody wants to see that.


8) How are the casinos on the ships? Is it like an entire deck? If you're used to Vegas, you might be disappointed. Usually, there's just one craps table and one roulette wheel. Maybe four or five blackjack tables and several dozen slot machines. And no, it's not an entire deck. The casino on a cruise ship is maybe two or three thousand square feet, not very big at all--about the same size as a tract home. But the casinos on Royal Caribbean are definitely much nicer than the ones on Carnival. And no free drinks, either, except with a few notable exceptions.

9) You never mention topless sunbathing on cruise ships. Is it allowed or is just a European thing? It's allowed, but only on the very top-most Sun Deck or Sports Deck. I went up once to check it out, and turned around and went back down about thirty seconds later. It was a bunch of large foreign women who you don't wanna see anyways, and one of my sisters. Never went back.

10) Do they have poker tables in the casino? They didn't on any of the cruises I've been on, but then again, I haven't been since 2004, right when the poker boom started. However, in 2003 when my sister Nancy got married and there were about 30 of us, I brought along my own set of poker chips and we played in the card room a few times. Won't do that again--those things weigh a ton. Word around the campfire is that they now have those electronic poker tables like they have at the Excalibur, but one of the guys I talked to said that they took up to a $20 rake on the cruise he took earlier this summer. F*ck that shiat. I'd never play that!

11) I heard you can't bring booze on board, but then other people said you can. Which is it? Well, you're not supposed to bring liquor on board, only wine. But then they'll charge you a corkage fee in the dining room anyways. But I've managed to sneak a bottle of rum in my checked luggage to keep in the cabin to mix with Coke. If it's in your carry-on luggage when you embark, they'll confiscate it. Also, all that duty-free booze I buy onshore--they take that from you when you get back on the boat, and they hold it all week, delivering it back to your stateroom the last night of the cruise. They want you to pay their prices for booze. As far as the wine goes, I don't think it's worth the hassle to bring my own, so I'll just pay for what I want onboard. But one of my sisters insists on bringing her own every time. To me, it's just a pain in the ass.

12) What do I pack versus a normal vacation? Any cruise-specific clothes I should have? What's the old cliche? Bring half as many clothes and twice as much money as you think you'll need... Actually, that's kind of true. I remember on our first cruise, we all waaaaaay overpacked. I think my sister Sherry actually brought 18 pairs of shoes. Hell, I even packed two pairs of jeans that I didn't wear once. And I'm surprised and how few socks I went through. Of course I went through seven pairs of dark socks, dressing for dinner, but I didn't use one pair of athletic socks all week, nor did I ever wear my tennis shoes. All I wore was sandals or topsiders during the day, otherwise I went barefoot. So I never pack tennis shoes or jeans. But I took three pairs of swimming trunks, lots of underwear and t-shirts, several polo shirts, cargo shorts, and two pairs of Dockers. And of course, I pack a tuxedo for formal nights. If I ever go to Belize again, I'm bringing a big damn floppy hat, too.

13) Are cruise ships like casinos when it comes to smoking? I mean, they're offshore, not subject to state law, right? Well, it's true they're not subject to state law, but since they operate in US ports and territorial waters, they have to comply with all US Coast Guard safety regulations. So you can't smoke just anywhere--not in most public areas at all except the bars and casino, and never in the dining room or restaurants. And a lot of cruise ships only allow smoking one one side of the deck, even when outdoors. The first ship I ever cruised on was the Carnival Paradise, and at the time, it was completely non-smoking. No cigarettes or tobacco of any kind was even allowed on board. You even had to sign a waiver saying that if they found you with cigarettes, tobacco, cigars, or even a lighter, they would put you off at the next port, and then you were on your own. I don't think that's their policy anymore, though.

14) What's that extra-fee dining you mentioned? I thought all the food was free. A lot of ships are going upscale now, and offering supper-club alternatives for an additional fee (usually around $25 each). Usually it's a steakhouse and also nicer Italian restaurant too. It's definitely worth doing once or twice, but not something to do every night. Also, while almost all the food on board is free, some ships have stuff like sushi bars, Starbucks, or Ben & Jerry's outlets where you can get some high-end grub for a modest fee, I mean, not even retail. I got a serving of yellowtail sashimi for like five bucks, and the ice cream was like a buck. I believe there are some Johnnie Rockets hamburger stands on some Royal Caribbean ships now, and they charge around five bucks for a full-on meal. But everything else is still free--the pizza joint, the burger grill, the buffets, the dining room, room service, etc. And I love love love the cheese pizza they have on Carnival ships. Great crust!

15) So, uh, how easy is it to hook-up on a cruise? It's a lot easier than you'd think. While most of the people on cruises go as couples, the single folk always seem to find each other. I met a gal on my first cruise, and we stayed in contact for months afterwards, even planning a trip to Hawaii together. But it fizzled, of course. There have been a couple of other brief shipboard romances interludes, but I'll spare the details because my mom and sisters read this... But to answer your question, yeah, if you're lookin' for love, you'll probably find it. There's something about that salt air and those starry nights...

16) Have you ever dined at the Captain's table, like on Love Boat? Hell, I've never even seen the Captain's table. But since most cruise ships have two dining rooms and two main seatings, well, I only had a 25% chance of spotting it. But I've never been one of the chosen ones. However, I have been invited a couple of times to cocktails with the captain before dinner, but it's not really exclusive--there must have been 300 other people there too, and all we did was wander through a reception line like at a wedding. But it gave me a chance to dress up, sip champagne, and act like an upper-crust gentleman for an hour or so.

17) Do people get seasick? Oh hell yeah they do. A few years back during Hurricane Ivan, we were out at the edge of it, and the boat was rolling like a sumbitch the first night or two. Even with the stabilizers, it was pretty rocky. It's never affected me much, but there are lots and lots of people all over the ship wearing those dramamine patches behind their left ears at the beginning of each week.

18) You mentioned a newsletter. What's that about? Can I get one before the cruise? I don't know about getting one before a cruise--don't think it would do much good. It's basically the daily ship's newspaper that they put in your cabin each night, outlining the next day's schedule of activities. It's usually about eight pages long, most of it is ads for trinkets and junk and "sales" they're having on board, but there is a lot of useful stuff on there--maps of the next day's port, a list of all the activities on board, arrival and departure times, stuff like that. I can't remember what the one on Royal Caribbean is called, but on Carnival, it's called the Carnival Capers.

19) Do they throw confetti when the boat leaves port? Uh, no, never seen that happen. Besides, there's nobody down on the dock to throw it to. And the hippies nowadays would just shiat. I saw a kid throw his life jacket over the side after the lifeboat drill, and they tossed him and his entire family off the boat, no refund. Dumbass.

20) Are the pools and hot tubs open 24 hours? Usually not--most of them are drained around 10pm and they throw a big net over the top of them to keep the drunks out. A lot of times, however, the hot tubs are open till midnight or later. On Royal Caribbean, I've been out in the 'adults only' hot tubs until pretty late at night. By the way, some ships have fresh water pools, but most cruise ships fill up their swimming pool with ocean water. But there are plenty of freshwater showers on deck to rinse off with afterwards.

21) Everything I know about cruise ships comes from reading your site and watching Titanic. Can you stand up front on the bow and do the King of the World thing? Nope, you can't even get close to the bow--the front part of the main deck is blocked off for crew access only--it's covered in mooring and anchoring equipment anyways, no place for tourists who would only hurt themselves. But if you wanna do the whole Titanic thing, there's nothing stopping you from hopping over the stern rail and bidding adieu to that endless parade of parties and cotillions, yachts and polo matches.

I think that about covers it.

Mikey