Sunday, July 08, 2007

Rachel Is My Therapist

If you're not reading Rachel Lucas every day, well, then you probably don't use the word 'asshat' as often as you should. I find her highly entertaining, even her dog-blogging, which is usually a huge turnoff for me. But she seems like somebody I'd love to drink a bottle of tequila with, and then spend the day wandering The Strip here in Vegas, making fun of tourists.

These are her 'revamped' questions to an earlier survey.

1) WHAT INSULTING NICKNAMES WERE YOU CALLED IN CHILDHOOD?

Chubby, Bogey, Bogart, Lardass

2)
WHEN YOU CRY, DO YOU LOOK UGLY, OR DOES IT GIVE YOU A BEAUTIFUL SAD GLOW?

I have a beautiful sad glow, like a Renaissance fountain. With a goatee.

3)
ARE YOU FORGETTING HOW TO WRITE BECAUSE YOU SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON THE COMPUTER?

Nah, I write enough checks every month to stay in practice.

4)
DO YOU THINK VEGETARIANS ARE INSANE? (BECAUSE THEY ARE.)

Vegetarians can kiss my meaty white ass. I hate them all, especially the preachy ones driving hybrids in the left lane.

5)
DO YOU LIKE KIDS? IF SO, WHY? WHY, IN THE NAME OF GOD?

Nieces and nephews are fine. Everyone else's kids just piss me off. But the real scum of the earth are the ones who bring the kids with them to the casino. Seriously, What the F*ck?

6)
IF YOU WERE A DOG, WOULD YOU LICK YOURSELF JUST BECAUSE YOU COULD? DON'T TRY TO DENY IT.

A dog? Sure. But I'd probably try it if I were a Chinese Acrobat, too.

7)
ARE YOU AS FRIGHTENED OF CLOWNS AS YOU SHOULD BE IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU?

Yes I am. If I ever snap, you'll see me on the evening news. I'll be the guy going crazy down at Circus Circus with a chainsaw.

8)
IF YOU COULD BE EITHER VERY BEAUTIFUL OR VERY SMART, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE AND WHY?

But I'm already blessed with both! Ok, actually, I'll admit, I'm smarter than I am beautiful. I suppose if I could be as dreamy as Tom Cruise without being as short or kookie, I guess I could live with it. I mean, the dude has tagged Mimi Rogers and Nichole Kidman. I can't say that...

9)
HOW MUCH MONEY WOULD YOU REQUIRE TO HAVE INTIMATE RELATIONS WITH MICHAEL MOORE OR ROSIE O'DONNELL (DEPENDING ON YOUR SEXUAL PREFERENCE BUT DOES THAT REALLY MATTER WITH THESE TWO)?

It would take several million dollars for Michael Moore to dip me in gravy and treat me like his favorite biscuit. But I'd let Rosie give me a hummer for a hundred bucks and a case of Michelob. I'd insist that she never spoke a word the entire time, however. But if she wanted me to 'pitch', she's gonna have to cough up at least six figures, a box of extra-strength viagara, and the blindfold.

10)
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CUSS WORD?

Asshat! Rachel taught me that one a few years ago. I try to use it several times a day.

11)
IF YOU'RE A MAN, HAVE YOU EVER CAUGHT YOUR JUNK IN YOUR ZIPPER? HOW BAD DID IT HURT? IF YOU'RE A WOMAN, HOW GLAD ARE YOU THAT YOU'RE NOT A MAN?

When I was just a lad it happened. I've pretty much repressed the memory, but if I have to recall, it was like touching a red-hot poker to the tip of my Sebastian. Bad times. Very bad times, indeed.

12)
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING TO GROW OLD OR DIE TRAGICALLY YOUNG?

I'm too old to die tragically young (I'm 40 now). I just hope to die before I have to start wearing diapers again, that's all.

13)
DESCRIBE YOUR MOST RECENT NIGHTMARE.

I was stuck dealing a $5 Pai Gow game all night to a table full of stiffs. Oh wait, that really happened.

14)
DO YOU WISH THAT, INSTEAD OF PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION DEBATES, THEY INSTEAD HAD TO BOX EACH OTHER, BECAUSE THEN THERE'D NEVER EVER BE ANOTHER DEMOCRAT IN THE WHITE HOUSE?

Yeah, that'd be cool. And as a bonus, Fred Thompson could kick the shit out of John McCain several times in the primaries, just on general principle. I'd buy that on pay-per-view!

15)
ABBA: THE BLONDE OR THE BRUNETTE?

The blonde. Gotta make sure the carpet matches the drapes. And it was the Seventies--there was a lotta carpet in those days.

16)
WHAT DISEASE DO YOU MOST FEAR CONTRACTING?

The Herp.

17)
WHO DO YOU MISS THE LEAST?

That asshat at the desk next to me at my old job in Tennessee who's favorite sentence seemed to be "He's from Mississippi!"

18)
ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW MUCH DO YOU HATE SHOPPING FOR NEW CLOTHES (10 BEING SO MUCH YOU'D RATHER CLEAN THE CAT BOX WITH YOUR BARE HANDS).

I don't mind shopping so much. Being a guy, I can order stuff on the internet and it always fits. And I don't pay taxes that way, either.

19)
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE BEFORE THE LAST TIME YOU THREW UP?

A steak and some pecan pie.

20)
NAME FIVE "CLASSIC" POPULAR SONGS YOU HOPE YOU NEVER HEAR AGAIN AS LONG AS YOU LIVE.

1) Magic Man -- Heart
2) Carry On My Wayward Son -- Kansas
3) Anything by Paul McCartney after he left the Beatles
4) Abracadabra -- Steve Miller Band
5) Urgent -- Foreigner


21)
IF YOU WERE A DOG, WHICH BREED WOULD YOU BE?

I'd like to think I'd be a Great Dane, but I'm sure I'd probably just be a Bassett Hound.

22)
FAVORITE BODILY FUNCTION? (COUGH, SNEEZE, BELCH, POOP, FART, YAWN, ETC)

Nothing satisfies like a good belch. But if I could fart on command and control the intensity, that'd be a pretty cool wrench to have in the ol' toolbox.

23)
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU HAD A HUGE FIGHT WITH, WHAT WAS THE FIGHT ABOUT, AND WHO WON?

Stephani Layton. I can't remember what it was about. I guess she won--we haven't talked in 19 years. The lesson learned, don't fight with chicks, even if they are becoming a pain in the ass...

24)
AS WE ALL KNOW, PRO FOOTBALL IS THE ONLY SPORT WORTH CARING ABOUT. IN LIGHT OF THAT FACT, WHO IS THE BEST NFL QUARTERBACK OF THE LAST 10 YEARS? BEST RUNNING BACK? BEST WIDE RECEIVER? BEST DEFENSIVE PLAYER? BIGGEST PRIMA DONNA? WHINIEST BITCH?

QB -- Peyton Manning
RB -- LaDanian Thomlinson
WR -- Torry Holt
Def -- Reggie White
PD -- Deion Sanders
WB -- Terrell Owens

25)
BALD MEN ARE VERY SEXY. DISCUSS.

I've been very sexy since 1995. Before that I guess I was just moderately sexy.

26)
THE INVENTION OF THE PILL IS A GOOD ENOUGH REASON TO BELIEVE IN GOD. DISCUSS.

True dat. I still have never gotten a Father's Day card! (Knock on wood!)

27)
DO YOU HAVE PERFECT VISION? IF SO, RACHEL LUCAS ENVIES YOU WITH THE FIRE OF A THOUSAND GALAXIES.

Not perfect. I've been slowly going blind since I was about 13 or so... Heh. But I have 20/20 vision with my Beer Goggles.

28)
FOOD YOU FIND SO REPUGNANT THAT YOU SIMPLY CANNOT BELIEVE OTHER PEOPLE PUT IT IN THEIR MOUTHS?

Pig's feet. Whole anchovies with the heads still on them. And half the shiat I see at the Asian supermarket in town.

29)
WHEN YOU GO TO THE MOVIES AND THE JERK BEHIND YOU KICKS YOUR SEAT CONSTANTLY, DO YOU IGNORE/MOVE OR DO YOU CHALLENGE THEM TO FISTICUFFS?

I give them 'the look', and say "Bitch, if you kick my seat one more time, I'm gonna come back there and sit next to you and take over your armrest."

30)
LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED THAT MADE YOU GET ON YOUR KNEES AFTERWARDS AND BEG GOD TO GIVE YOU THE LAST TWO HOURS OF YOUR LIFE BACK?

Silent Hill. Oh god, what a shiatty movie.

31)
DO YOU EVER PUT CLOTHES ON YOUR PETS?

Only fake antlers at Christmastime.

32)
BEER, WINE, OR LIQUOR?

Depends on who my date is and how hard I think it's gonna be to score.

33)
FALL ASLEEP OR CUDDLE?

Depends on how hard I had to work to 'get her there'. But I try to make the effort at cuddling.

34)
FAVORITE FOOD THAT YOU KNOW WILL KILL YOU EVENTUALLY BUT YOU DON'T CARE BECAUSE IT IS JUST SO FREAKING DELICIOUS?

NY-style Pizza. Pistachio Gelato.

35)
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SO DISGUSTED BY A BOOK'S ENDING THAT YOU VIOLENTLY DESTROYED THE BOOK?

Yes. The Last True Story I'll Ever Tell-- An Accidental Soldier's Account of War in Iraq. It was such a crapload of propaganda and drivel, I wouldn't even wipe my ass with it.


36)
DO YOU HAVE P0RN ON YOUR COMPUTER? DON'T LIE.

Are you kidding? That's what computers are FOR! But since this computer is still relatively new, my collection is not exactly museum-quality just yet.

37)
TRUE OR FALSE: "REALITY" T.V. IS THE BEST REASON FOR THE REST OF THE WORLD TO HATE AMERICA.

False. Our congressional Democrats are.

38)
FAVORITE DRUNKEN SLATTERN: PARIS, LINDSEY, OR BRITNEY?

Lindsey--I've always had a thing for redheads, and drunken redheads reel me in like a moth to a flame. And since I'm deathly afraid of getting The Herp, Paris is out. Britney? She doesn't even have MILF status anymore, I'm afraid.

39)
MOST DESERVING OF CHUCK-NORRIS-STYLE ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO THE THROAT: AL GORE OR JESSE JACKSON?

Jesse Jackson. He's a complete fraud. At least Al Gore 'believes' he's doing the right thing, no matter how wrong-headed it might be.

40)
WHAT HAPPENED THE FIRST TIME YOU GOT DRUNK? 'FESS UP.

I woke up covered in gravy, with some fat guy in a Michigan State baseball cap and Peace-Sign boxers telling me to relax, quit looking at the camera, and pretend I was a biscuit... It's all a bit hazy though...

Actually, I passed out on the living room floor with my hands up Maria Slingerland's cropped sweatshirt. Sure beats pukin'.


41)
IF YOU COULD HAVE MAD SKILLZ IN DANCING OR IN SINGING, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE AND WOULD IT BE FOR YOUR OWN PERSONAL SATISFACTION OR TO IMPRESS OTHER PEOPLE AND POSSIBLY GET SOME ACTION?

Singing. I'd definitely use it to get some tail. But so far, I've never gotten laid from singing Happy Birthday to You, even when doing my Marilyn Monroe impression.

42)
IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPERPOWER, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE AND WOULD YOU USE IT FOR GOOD OR EVIL?

I'd be a time-traveler, and I'd use it mostly for personal enrichment, helping my friends and family, and getting even with people who piss me off.

43)
IF YOU NEVER SEE ANOTHER Q&A MEME AGAIN, WILL IT BE TOO SOON?

Nah, these aren't too bad, and even kind of fun...


Mikey

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